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I Cleaned From My Wheelchair!

Let me start by saying I am proud I did it. I'm having to re-learn my body over it feels like- from one thing to another and now another. But this is a good step in regaining my feeling of strength.

I got my wheelchair about two and a half years ago to use when I had to run errands, due to a mix of pain and collapsing. Eventually I was able to find a walker with a seat and basket, which I was able to use just as effectively and felt less guilty for using (imposter syndrome, anyone?).

But my wheelchair has come out of its corner now, as my heart has decided it, too, shall cause me more to manage and I've both found and been told to rest to reduce my symptoms until I can get in to the Cardiologist.

Between my physical and mental health, my house was neglected for a month. Erm, how do I do this from my chair..?

Sweeping more instead of vacuuming, smaller bags for trash instead of a giant one, a grabber for things on the floor or up high if I am too weak to stand, asking the kids for help, extendable cleaning items like dust wands or spinning brushes to clean the shower walls, more things have been put into totes and drawers to make less to clean in some spaces, and just sitting on the floor and scooting my way across it to wipe up spots or sort bins for the kids.

I'll be honest, my back isn't used to this yet and hurts. I'm leaning on a heating pad right now. My shoulders are sore from adjusting to the chair, but both pains will pass as I learn and adapt better. But boy am I proud. Despite feeling extra burdensome to my family due to my declining health, worrying I'm not trying hard enough, I still got my house back into shape. I might be able to do this after all. :)

#Wheelchair #HeartProblems #ChronicPain #Fainting #Ididit #learning #Independence #MobilityAids

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I finally finished something all the way

Finally, I finished something. It was my job to go to town and register our motor home today. I've never done anything like that before, so I was nervous. I left the house at 8am this morning and went to the treasurers office. I waited in line for 30 minutes, and she said I needed a paper that I didnt have, so I had to leave, print it off, and come back. I did not plan to go back because I was frustrated and wanted to give up, but my husband said we need it done and asked me to go back. So I went back, waited in line for 15/20 minutes and then, after I got everything completed, the guy told me i wasnt allowed to use my husbands debit card (my only method of payment) to pay. They had an ATM in the corner, but it was out of order. So, I had to leave to go to an atm and come back. At that point, I went into the bathroom and just cried, I was so frustrated I wanted to scream but I couldnt. I composed myself, went to my car and prepared to go home. But, instead I went down the street to the ATM, it was like I wasn't controlling myself because I wanted and planned to head home. I went to the ATM, went back to the treasurers office and waited in line for 30/40 minutes and when I got to the payment part, the price was higher than I had previously been quoted. At that point, I wished my mask had covered my eyes because I felt them tearing up.Thankfully, I took $20 extra out of the ATM, and then I was able to round up an extra $2.50 from the bottom of my purse. I left with my motorhome registered and plated after 7 hours of back and forth nonsense. I cried almost the full 40 minute drive home. But I did it #Accomplishments #Ididit #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #suicideattemptsurvivor


Did some chores today! #Depression #Motivation

Today I finally (after a few months of trying) mopped my kitchen and dining room floors. I knew it needed to be done for a while but could never build up enough motivation to get it done. Of course, because I waited so long to do it I really had to put work in to get some parts clean.
Once it was dry and I sat and looked at it, I felt better looking at it compared to before when it was dirty. To anyone else it’s a no biggie, but for me it was a major accomplishment and I’m feeling really proud of myself. I think you guys would understand. #fightingdepression #Ididit


I did it!

So as planned I met my new friend today. I was super nervous and almost didn’t want to go. Just kept telling myself that I can do it and it’s ok. A lot of self-soothing.

We had some good chats about where we come from and what we’d like to do in the future. Even had some deep conversation which I didn’t think I was ready for but it felt safe as he also shared some very private details about his life.

He is super busy with work and life so I’m grateful he took to the time to meet up with me today. I’m proud of myself for sticking to my plan even though I was doubting it.

Now I will do my best to be a good friend to him as I hope he will do the same for me. We will see how it goes. I even explained to him that I almost wasn’t going to follow through due to just having issues with trusting people. He understood.

Today was big for me! I conquered a lot of fears and did it on my own. It wasn’t easy and I’m very tired but I feel happy. Some light in my darkness...

#CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Ididit #Proudofmyself

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I know you guys understand my victory today! #CheerMeOn

Hi my mighty family! So I have issues with anxiety and depression, and both of these contribute to the fact that it is difficult for me to sit still very long. My family likes to watch movies together and that’s very hard for me- but today I overcame my anxiety and sat through the whole thing without even getting up. I’m proud of myself.
P.S. For anyone having a bad day, here are my two cats, Amoka and Richard Parker. I found them together today. A friend is never far away! ❤️ #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Depression #Family #victoryforselfcare #Ididit


I did it!

I've had so much anxiety about opening up my university email because of courses and assignments that I left undone last semester. It's taken me a couple weeks, but I just did it. My heart is still pounding and I'm feeling kind of dizzy, but I took the first step by emailing our course coordinator and asking for support. I hope the teachers will still accept my assignments... and that I'll be able to get them done.

#Anxiety #University #GradSchool #Onestepatatime #Ididit

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I got pinned!!!

The behavioral health hospitalization program (Depression Recovery, PHP, IOP) I’ve been attending daily for the last four and a half months just ended today and they gave me a graduation and pinned me!

All of the staff and other patients were there. The starfish they pinned on me has a story. It kinda goes there is a child throwing starfish back into the sea and a woman comes by and asks her why she’s doing that. The girl explains she learned starfish die if out of water for too long so she’s throwing them back in. The woman tells her there are far too many starfish, you’ll never make a difference. She picked up one more and said, “I will with this one.” And throws it back in the sea. Each of the patients and staff told me what I meant to them, what a difference I made in their lives, and what they wished for me. I tried to do the same for them through many tears... And then we ate Affy Tapples. 💗 I did it, guys!!! And if I can, that goes double for you! #CPTSD #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #SuicideIdeation #SuicideAttempt #Ididit #Starfish #CheerMeOn #TheMighty

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My name is Sasha and six years ago this month, I was diagnosed with severe depression. The past six years have been ugly, hard, lethargic, and quite literally depressing. College for anyone comes with challenges and obstacles, but trying to overcome those challenges while summoning the will to live broke me down. I failed out of college, nearly committed suicide multiple times, and ended up in a mental hospital for a few days. But despite the ugly falls I had, I pushed myself back up each time. I took a year off of school and found motivation to finish. I sought help through multiple outlets every time I wanted to hurt myself. My time in the mental hospital ended up being the most important and beautiful days of my life.

My workout regime over the past six years has been little to nonexistent. How on earth could I find the energy to run or lift weights when I couldn’t find the energy to get out of bed? I am guilty of sleeping over 20 hours a day, the thought of working out for even five minutes drained all the mental energy I had.

But today, I finished a Spartan Sprint in one hour, 13 minutes. I successfully completed 16 of 20 obstacles and finished 37th of 121 in my age group. I worked equally as hard to overcome my own mental obstacles as I did to overcome the physical obstacles of the race.

The past six years of my life have been hell and there is no guarantee that the next six will be different, but I overcame a huge obstacle today. I threw up the biggest middle finger to depression today and it is all through the grace of God. All glory be to Him above for getting me through this race. I am so overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude that through His help, I motivated myself to train for and finish this race.

Glory be to God and thank you to my amazing friends for helping me get through this and standing by my side through it all. I could not have done this without you, nor would I have wanted to. #Ididit #GlorytoGod #Depression #MentalHealthAwareness