ImFine

I had a bit of a rough session on Monday and afterward I sent my theraapist a follow-up email explaining that there were some things I hadn't told her about and also that I don't really want to talk about them, I just wanted to explain that those things likely had an impack on why I reacted the way I did. But because I'm me I added at the end of my email "I really want to add that I'm fine, somehow I feel like you probably won't believe/agree with that. But like really I'm fine:) " AND THIS LADY responded with "I know you are "fine." AND it sounds like there are other feelings you have too that maybe we can talk through next session?"

Like ma'am, why is fine IN QUOTATION MARKS?! That's just rude 😂 Has my world completely changed in the last month? Yes. Am I overwhlemed and occassionally very passively suicidal? Yes. Have I had multiple selfharm relapses recently? Also yes. But those are all totally besides the point. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is FINE. She doesn't seem convienced tho and I'm offended (said scarstically).

Like why do we have to go and bring emotions into the conversation? Those things can get stuffed into a box and shoved in a corner where they belong.

#Therapy #dbttherapist #DBT #Emotions #ImFine #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #relaspe #College #almostfinals #itsokaytonotbeokay #butnotmetho #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD

I wish I could say I was sad because I’ve been binge eating trash food for the last few weeks, which I’m sure isn’t helping and my jeans agree. I wish I could say I was sad because the character I loved most died in my book, though to be honest I usually see it coming and cry about it sooner. I wish I could say that sad was an acceptable word for this sensation, but honestly calling it “sad” is a really lazy fucking way to describe it.
I wish I didn’t need the copious amounts of affection that I do, and some days you suffocate the ever loving shit outta me. Get off, get off, GET OFF!! I wish I could say I didn’t need to hear that you love me more because anything less would give me an anxiety attack that not even my Ativan could make nice with.
I wish I could say that when I smile and support your choices and watch your phone ring that I didn’t hate you for it. Not because I’m not supportive because Christ you ARE amazing, it just seems like there is always someone or something else to finish. And I don’t want to stop thriving because of my abandonment issues.
But see here’s the kicker, I wish I could say all of this to your face but I won’t. These words will wad up like dry cotton at the back of my throat and choke me. I flip through my Rolodex of simple phrases I hope you still believe like “I’m fine” and “I’m just tired”. The words that DO come out are like fists full of glass and gravel and I wish I could take them back.
So, I will just sit here and silently shame myself for the piece of cheesecake I ate for lunch and hope my jeans don’t have too much to say when I try to put them on tomorrow.

#Anxiety #Depression #Sadness #ImFine

Does anyone else just think it’s too exhausting to keep explaining to your family/ friends/work colleagues what’s been going on? you do this because you know it’s the ‘right’ thing to do, that speaking about your troubles helps you, but in turn you just think, wouldn’t it just be easier to answer questions with a ‘I’m fine’?

I'm only 12 (almost 13) and I have struggled since the age 11 #Depression #Anorexia #Anxiety #helpmeout #ImFine #loveyouall #alwayshereforyou

A tear slid from one eye
Then down to the floor
Fear and trauma lay trapped
As shame knocked at the door

A lump choked her throat
As she bit both lips hard
To stifle a cry
From the soul life had scarred

She so wants to release
And just let it all go
Yet a weakness is felt
Whenever tears start to flow

For she never was taught
What it meant to be free
To let the night tide
Sail her grief out to sea

Cause it was by example
She had learned to design
A mask meant for the world
Which said only, " I'm fine".

By: Debra Brent
08.01.2019

#Poetry #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Trauma #poets #Emotions #cry #Crying #tears #feelings #ImFine