My wife is scheduled to be induced with our second child early tomorrow morning. I’ve been preparing myself for this since she told me we were expecting, and this is our second child, but as excited as I am I am also full of dread.
Some of my anxiety stems from how difficult raising our son has been for me. He turned 3 in February and has all the “energy” and complexity I was expecting in a toddler (and then some ... and then some more). I’m concerned we have developed some really bad habits (super late bed times, little or no personal time for ourselves, etc.). Essentially, he rules the roost. I’m concerned with what this transition is going to put him (and us) through.
On top of that, I’ve been overwhelmed and stressed with our marriage, increasingly since our son was born. My wife insisted on staying home with him from the start, essentially cutting our income nearly in half with a mortgage, car payment, a few student loans, and several pets. We’ve been very fortunate to make it work for the time being, but aren’t able to mark a lot of progress on our home repairs, or big goals that require money.
I also feel like I end up doing more than “my share” of housework and chores, since my wife essentially spends her days following our 3-year old around and keeping him happy and having fun. Secretly I wish she would let him spend more time entertaining himself and free time up for some of these tasks and for herself. To put it in perspective, we literally see 2-3 movies a year in the theater, where we used to go almost weekly. We cannot watch anything on TV, streaming, etc. without our son throwing a fit (which has had some surprise benefits actually, but is still ridiculous). Basically, I feel like we as a couple are smothering ourselves and I individually feel lost, detached, robotic, and starved of almost everything that I enjoy about life.
I have struggled increasingly with depression since the second or third year of our marriage (now approaching ten years), and often think about dying. I wouldn’t say I “contemplate suicide” regularly, but I am growing increasingly worn out with my life and feel useless and powerless. I don’t know who I am anymore. The main thought that keeps me going is realizing that my wife and child(ren) depend on me.
Now, we are adding a second child to the mix. I was hesitant for a while to have a second, but after a lot of thought and discussion, my wife and I decided we could do it. Of course the past seven or eight months (since I found out) has given me plenty of time to imagine every possible scenario and experience the full range of emotion. Now that the moment has arrived, I am feeling as if the world is ending, definitely more anxious than I was with our first.
Anyway, thanks for letting me spill my thoughts. Any positive encouragement is greatly appreciated. Hopefully we come through with a healthy baby who we can manage relatively easily and our family will grow stronger.
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