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It’s been a long month this week, but today I had a victory.

I completed a 14-minute dance workout video. That’s not very long and the video wasn’t very physically challenging, but man... it was hard. I’m proud of myself for finishing it while also being afraid that I’ll give in next time and quit. Today I had a victory though so I’ll hold onto that. #Depression #tryingtobepositive #fitnessmotivation #fitnesswithdepression


It's not easy but I still manage. It's not something people can see or pick up on unless they really know me. But I still manage to smile and laugh. It's not something that is easy to talk about. Sometimes no one can understand it or wants to hear it. Going through it without meds is a nightmare but I've managed through it. Life's changes and hurdles have impacted me a whole lot but I still manage to keep on going with my head held high. I'm quiet yes and I keep too much in. Its not good but when I have time whem everyone is asleep I let out everything through my eyes. I know I'm stronger than I am. Realizing my strength and self worth is tough some days but I still force myself to look in the mirror and see the woman that falls down and gets back up again. I see the woman who has a heart of gold and smiles through pain and tears. I see a warrior and a survivor. #emotional mental abuse #Anxiety #Depression #tryingtobepositive

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A Mix of Emotions

Dear Friend,

I am concerned about tomorrow. It's going into week 2 of my return to work after being on medical leave since January. I have not been feeling the best about some most recent news about requests for time off. I pretty much was told "fat chance" of me having off the week of my anniversary at the end of November, all because it's the week of Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Theme parks are rough around the holidays, and do not always make you feel good. Instead it can be depressing to have to miss out on time with family... Especially when your family is aging.

I also had some problems with my schedule being all over the place, so my therapy appointment yesterday gave me a note that says I need to have morning shifts so I can sleep at night. I also ran into the problem of my schedule being messed up for week 3. They messed up my normal days off of Monday and Tuesday by scheduling me on Monday and giving my days off as Tuesday and Wednesday. It was alarming. I wish that I could feel better right now.. but I have 2 schedule problems to fix.
1.) Getting morning shifts.
2.) Making sure my days off are not messes up.

I hate how theme park life is brutal some days. It drains me physically these days. Week 1 was busy, and very time consuming. It's time consuming more than I wish it was. I live an hour away from work and it takes me almost an hour to get checked in past security and past our wardrobe building and over to the front of the park.

I need help. I need #Inspiration .
#Work #emotional #tired #exhausted #Concerned #tryingtobepositive #Trying


So I've been fighting my dark depressive period with self care. Trying to get involved in positive activities, groups in my new local area.. I went to a floation tank and massage today, then my first N.A meeting this evening, I shared openly, the people there were nice.
Came back and drank a bottle of wine with someone else that lives in the building. It's like it will always pop out somewhere, over eating, smoking, wine or worse..
It's a pattern, I'm not addicted to any one thing but the pattern of addiction runs through my life. I am willing and ready to face that fact.

Anyway I've been trying my hardest to block out the anxious over thinking or panicked thoughts, self care and be proactive socially and even take steps to engage with communities with my new local area, I'm doing well, should be able to pat myself on the back.?..

then it pops up somewhere else, night terrors are back it's like my subconscious is like 'your doing well, but here's All the flashbacks you are blocking out to do it.. compressed into 1 dream, blam!' Take that brain!
I woke up like I'd been slapped in the face at 4:20am. So I guess my old friend insomnia is back.. "hello piece of my over worked, overwelmed subconscious that wakes me in the dead if night, I didn't miss you when I was in my depressed slumber! But I suppose I slept for a month so it was most likely time to wake up.."
I don't want to think about my trauma 24/7 but if I try to push it back even if positive activities just for a day and half a bottle of wine. I might go to sleep fine but my brain still has to replay or relive the details of it all. No rest from it even when I'm asleep. #CPTSD #Insomnia #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #BipolarDepression #bipolarswitch #Anxiety #Bipolar2Disorder #warrior #RapeSurvivors #tryingtobepositive #believinginyourself



Do you ever feel like you died and went to Hell? Because this life has been so cruel and difficult, that it seriously feels like I'm in hell sometimes. No matter how much you try to live a better life, make better choices and grow out of my comfort zones, unlearn toxic behaviors,  things just seem to go wrong anyway? Nothing but the consequences of my mistakes are forever in my face and nothing I do to try and correct them seem to work? Yea that's gotta be as close to Hell as you can get. Some days I just want to give up. Some days, just living is too much. #Shame #Anxiety #tryingtobepositive #Depression #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #PTSD #dissociativedisorders

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We’re finally on the Disney Wonder, embarking on our very first Disney cruise. I did really well all morning, but anxiety bit me hard as we approached customs and I had a seizure. It came on fast. My Mom caught the movements of my hands. My sisters immediately formed a circle around me while my Mom guided me to the ground (no chairs close by). Fortunately, one of the workers in the port terminal came up and asked if everything was okay. I got to ride in a wheelchair and bypass most of the crowds. Now, I’m just tired and ready for bed. My anxiety is still all over the place, and it spikes whenever one of my sisters starts nit-picking and getting all hot-and-bothered about something. The tension only makes me more agitated, but I’m trying to ignore it. A little calm and less angst would be nice. #Anxiety #Seizures #Travel #tryingtobepositive #calm



Today is a new day! Trying to get back to myself, less miserable. Maybe I’ll get out into the sun today, sometimes that helps. Still want to #isolate but trying not to.
#RheumatoidArthritis #CVID #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ChronicIllness


Throwing This Into the Void - #Lupus #Fibromyalgia

I hurt. So bad right now. I'm just going to cry.

Yesterday was a very bad day. I woke up okay. A small headache, but okay.

But as I was on mum's phone, I suddenly got hit with a panic/anxiety attack.

My heart started racing, I got really hot, I couldn't comprehend anything. I started freaking out.

It lasted all day.

Today, well... Let's just say yesterday rolled into today. But let's add that I got irritated at the smallest thing.

I tried to nap. No such luck.

Then we went to Richfield Park with Alpha (our neighbor ❤️) and I was okay-ish. When we were leaving the park, I tried climbing this big pine tree (she was beautiful 😍🌲), and all of a sudden, I started panicking again. Like I wouldn't be able to get down from it. I tried to hide it, but my mom saw.

Then (after we got home) I got a message from my old boss asking me to work part time. I wanted to say yes so bad. But mum reminded me that I can't do things like I used to be able to do. She reminded me of my bad brain days, like today and yesterday. I mean I have to think about, What would happen if I was talking to a client and couldn't remember what I needed to? What if I screwed up a $5,000 sale? What if I forgot to lock the safe? Or walked away from a $2,000 diamond ring?!

So... I had to pass. It hurt to tell her (my old boss) that I couldn't do it. I want to so bad.

Tomorrow I call a disability lawyer, and try to get a consultation, so I can appeal my denial for Soc. Security. (They think I can work around my Fibromyalgia and Lupus. - Must be nice not having it.)

But now, now I must finish my soup and try to sleep. I took my meds (and by my meds I mean either Ibuprofen, Aspirin or Alieve with Tylenol (and yes, you can take an NSAID with Tylenol. Practically, my whole family, is in the medical field so I do know what can go with what. Heck, I can even read most of a medical chart. Lol) It's the only thing that dulls the pain, so I can kind of sleep). Goodnight Loves. 💕💜

(Oh, and to top everything off... Today I got bit by a Mosquito! Ughhhhh... 🤞 It's all good and there's no EEE)

#Fibromyalgia #Lupus #tryingtobepositive #PositiveVibes #whataday

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Hate this feeling #tryingtobepositive #sodepressed

I hate this pit of emptiness in my stomach. I hate being fake, smiling on the outside, because I have to for my job, so icky on the inside. If life gave awards I would win an Oscar and an Emmy!!!!😔