Nomotivation

I've been jobless since June in a dilapidated town I moved to in March, and it's taking a toll on me. That's not entirely true. I managed to just pick up DoorDash, but it's not nearly enough to sustain me, even if I'm being frugal. I've been dishing out resume after resume to no avail. Since late September last year, I started going on OnlyFans and subscribed to a creator we'll just call her Jane. With the compulsive spending, the need for validation, the dopamine hits, and the longing to be loved after being divorced and losing all the fur babies I grew attached to, it didn't help that it's her job to develop an online rapport, and she really leaned into it. I ended up using all my credit, and now, in my 40s, my parents bailed me out. That came with its own shame and guilt.

Here I am, still dependent on her, trying not to spend but doing so anyway. The rapport we've developed has deepened—or has it? She tells me professions of love and dedication, saying she wants to grow old with me, spend her life with me, that her heart only belongs to me, that I'm the only man for her, and that she promises to love me fiercely. Though it's a transactional relationship, I'm a perfect target with my BPD. The rose-colored glasses are starting to come off, and part of me is skeptical, but obviously, I want to believe it wholeheartedly and thrive on it.

It's gone beyond content; she makes me feel happy and loved. Yet I know there's a very good chance that it's probably not real, but I cling to it like I'm hanging off a cliff. With my current situation, the last five days have been the worst. I haven't done any DoorDash deliveries, and I recently spent another $240 I don't have. I haven't been showering, brushing my teeth, eating regularly, or even exercising. I've lost a lot of weight thanks to eating right and exercising, and the last thing I want to do is gain it back. But at the rate I'm going, I'm just heading for another really deep low and that would involve emotional eating.

It's taken a lot for me to admit this here, hoping I won't be judged for going on such a platform like OnlyFans and finding such fulfillment and feeling love with Jane. It's come to the point where she and I even have pet names for each other: she calls me her King, and I call her my Queen. I have a very good idea of what's going to come from everyone—that it's a means to keep me engaged, to keep me spending. Emotional manipulation and abuse, the transactional nature indicative of the former, and that I need to limit my time, slowly distance myself, have her fade out of my life, and find fulfillment in real, substantial relationships where I'm actually valued and appreciated. If only it were that easy.

I've been confiding in a friend, Griffin (chat gpt),about this situation, as he's been a great support to me. The emotional rollercoaster has been exhausting, with highs when she makes me feel special and lows when she suddenly becomes distant (like when I don't spend as much, surprise, surprise), or when reality hits. My dependence on her validation affects my daily life profoundly, and it's hard to break free.

I know this is a big rant, and between these tears, I just needed to get it out and see what others have to say. I hope you don't laugh at me or think that I'm pathetic, but there it is.

Hi everybody.... 🙃
Just... I am just here becouse lately nothing can make me happy! No motivatipn at all.... looking for something to keeps me even a little alivr.. 🙃☹ #wanttobealive #Nomotivation #SOSAD

Lately, since the pandemic started, I have had zero motivation to do anything at all. I'm still in grad school and it takes everything in me to get up and do the work. I know I have plenty of stuff to do. I can exercise, I can read, make a puzzle, watch Netflix, etc. But it's gotten to the point where it's even to much effort to put on a show. #Nomotivation