peoplepleasing

People pleasing is an incredibly maladaptive coping mechanism that we use to try to control our environment and make sure we are safe. It’s a way to manipulate a response from someone else. Ultimately our goal is to have them love us, to depend on us, to incorporate us into their lives by providing this invaluable irreplaceable inauthentic service to them whether they deserve that level of energy from us or not.

Based on that, does that not make us manipulators and toxic parts of their life? Regardless of the actions we do and how much they provide good and genuine value to their lives, the ultimate impetus for the action has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us attempting to manipulate them into giving us something in return.

I’m not saying this because I want you to have yet another way to beat yourself up, I’m saying it as a recognition of the fact that your attempt to control your own safety and peace and to seek validation for the amazing person you are is toxic to another person and to yourself.

You are absolutely giving up your own limited energy to try to manipulate another person into loving you because you can’t love yourself. You do things you wouldn’t even do for yourself and spend your time, money, and energy to convince another human that you are someone they should place value on.

Why is it so easy to spend those precious limited resources (time, money, energy) on someone else, but we can’t be bothered to give those things to ourselves??

Just food for thought. Wish I had the solution, but the first step is admitting the ugly truth. I am not a Dr. Phil fan, but one thing he used to say that is absolutely true is this “You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge!” Admitting that there is a problem means we can work towards a solution.

I’m going to publicly challenge myself to make efforts to change my actions in order to heal myself. I don’t want to manipulate other people into loving and validating me in lieu of loving myself. I want to communicate honestly and give only as much of myself as I have available after I am done taking care of me.

Anyone else ready to acknowledge this and move forward with a future where you no longer believe you have to do extra just to be worth someone’s time and attention?

#PTSD #CPTSD #peoplepleasing #fawning

My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. he has to do chemo therapy, then he will have surgery. The risk of death is about 95%.
Our relationship isn’t quite easy. When I was 10, my parents got divorced and my mother left us. My father, my brother and I were left alone. Then he hired a maid because he couldn‘t work and take care of the house and us kids. I was getting bad in school and always came back with poor grades. He yelled at me and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days or sometimes weeks.
I took care of my brother when my father or his maid weren’t around. I guess it was exhausting, but I don’t remember much from this age (0-14). I was told that my brother ran after my mother when she left us.

When I grew up, I showed the first symptoms of bpd. Of course I didn’t know it by then, but now I know, at the age of 24.
things got difficult and worse, and I didn’t like myself, nor was I happy.

I didn’t know that I was allowed to have needs. Feelings. I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know I could ask for help. I didn’t even know there were emotions.

I was terrified of making mistakes because of the silent treatment. However, years later he started to date a women from parship. Apperently they liked each other and still do. She was..different. Speaking directly and giving me orders don’t work on me.
My walls were all up and I wasn’t even close to put them down.
At the age of 20 or 21 (I don’t remember) I moved out, to my mothers place. It was horrifying. But I made it to my own apartment with my girlfriend (we both have own apartments) and I’m definitely more happy like this.
I cut contact with my mother and brother, but there is my dad and his cancer.

On Friday I had to see him to change tires, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I felt guilty. I found myself in my people pleasing copy mechanism.
However, his girlfriend wouldn’t want to say hello because „I don’t want to spend more time with them, we don’t have to discuss this now“.
I hate her. I’m sorry, but for one time I have to admit it.

His Life expectancy depends on the cancers growth at the end of chemo therapy. Mabye three months, mabye six, mabye longer. But I don’t know. He doesn’t know.

And I’m worried.
I’m worried that I’m the worst person on earth.

But I have bpd and I can’t control my episodes. And right now I feel like a fool writing this (I don’t even know if I am going to post this)

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Pain #silenttreatment #peoplepleasing #traumaresponse #Traumatized #help

I've cracked half the issues I've got in my life. I don't allow any boundaries, people treat me like rubbish and I let them, because I'm a people pleaser. How on earth do I change this?

It's okay, you can have it.
It's okay, I don't want to upset him.
No, really, I'm okay with it.
Sure! I'll do it.
Yeah, no problem.
Oh, I won't tell her that.
But I would never actually ask.
WHAT IF HE'S MAD AT ME.
WHAT IF SHE NEVER ASKS ME TO HANG OUT AGAIN?!
Am I talking too much?
Am I annoying?
Should I have said that nicer?
Did I sound like a b****?
Did I offend her?
But don't tell anyone I said that, I don't want to piss people off.
I can't... I uhh.... have a family thing.

As she sits and frets about whether or not to speak up. To meet her needs. To speak her mind. To be real. She can't stop the wheels of dread from turning. She can't let logic control emotion. She can't prioritize herself. She can't let go of the cognitive distortions. The negative self-talk. She can't choose herself. She has to be liked- although deep down she really knows this is about control. Isn't it always? Oh, what she will do to have control. Oh, how she will obsess. Oh, how she will dig her own grave. Oh, how she wants to keep the peace. But is this peace? Is this control? Or is this a nightmare?

#Anxiety #peoplepleasing