post-traumatic growth

“Forgive me hands, for I have held everything but myself.” -Unknown

Holding our own sacredness is incredibly difficult for survivors of trauma. We are able to hold everyone else’s sacredness but when ours needs us we turn away from it.

Over the last few years, I have had to make a conscious and consistent effort to lean into my own needs and heal on purpose. Many years of running left my mind and body in a constant state of hyper vigilance. I was unattuned to my body’s most basic needs and desires.

I had to work diligently and constantly on leaning in to myself, my body’s responses: both conscious and unconscious.

Friend, I know it’s unconventional and incredibly uncomfortable but I promise it will be worth all the time, energy, and resources you invest! You are worth holding your sacredness.

If you need someone to hold space with you I am.

NARRATIVES

Narratives are powerful they have the potential to shape our future and even influence the memories of our past.

Take a minute and think about it, purposefully, what are a few of yours? How are they impacting your life?

Narratives can be positive, negative, or just indifferent. But within each of them there is opportunity.

Opportunity for growth.
Opportunity to gain wisdom.
Opportunity for staying stuck.
Opportunity for seeing through a new lens.

So many! Right there within YOUR reach and you are the only one that can do it. You hold the answer key to your life.

Next week, I have an amazing opportunity but in order to be fully present in that experience I have to travel to a place that I cried so many tears. A place where so many people stole my dignity, my humanity, even parts of me I had yet to discover- stolen from me.

Yesterday as I was in my weekly therapy session, my therapist and I were talking through my plans and about the place I am going back to that holds so much pain but also so much opportunity. She said to me there are times in our life that we need to go back and laugh in the places that we used to cry.

I sat with her words a minute. I knew in my heart she was absolutely right! The project that I’m working on is one that is healing balm to my soul. I have the opportunity to go back to a place that once held destruction and find healing. I get to create something in that space that has the potential to bring that healing to so many people.

How awesome is that? I get to change the narrative and bring it all full circle. I will be surrounded by love and support and all the new narratives I’ve implemented through the years that have been healing.

I also get the chance to make beautiful memories and to laugh in a place that once only held ugliness and pain.

Friend, you are not powerless. Look around you. Search within. What narratives bring you growth & healing and what narratives do you have the opportunity to change, reshape, and make new?

You know next week there will be some tears BUT I guarantee you that there will be laughter, joy, & healing too.

Update: I made this journey a year ago and it was beyond healing. I will add I had supports in place and an active plan of action.

JOURNEY

Healing is hard work!
There are endless days that no one sees. Days where the tears flow like rivers from so deep from the places you’d long forgotten even existed.
💧Cry, let your tears flow freely!

Days where you don’t even have the ability or the wherewithal to get out of bed but you have people you love depending on just that.
🏋🏼‍♀️ Get up, and just take those next step.

There are days that you know you’ve got nothing. I’m talking about nothing: nada, zip, zilch! You’ve depleted yourself to your bones.
🌻 Rest, like your life depends on it.

Friend, it’s not our job to wear ourselves out or to hustle for our worthiness. The only thing we do, when we are ready, is to own our truth then give ourselves the permission and the compassion to heal. ☀️

You do not owe anyone an explanation of how you heal! It’s not a one size fits all!

I believe in different healing modalities to engage my body to release trauma. I believe the body keeps the score. So I need to move. You choose whatever works for you!

Some of mine include backpacking 🎒 , hiking 🥾 , and yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️ What people see on social media are the results of my journey. What they do not see on social media is what it took and what it cost me to get here!

The bottom line is this: YOU ARE WORTH WHATEVER IT TAKES TO DO THE WORK OF HEALING. It’ll be messy. It’ll take grit. Rest. But it is possible!

I’m rooting for you!

This photo shows a tree which produces large flowers before any leaves start growing in the spring. Later on, the petals splay apart and the flowers begin to look awkward and haphazard before disintegrating, falling to the ground, and decomposing.

If I am like this type of tree, and my trauma was the winter season, I feel as if what seemed to be "post-traumatic growth" (i.e. the flowers) in my life is now just a sodden, decomposing mass on the ground. Was it real? Was I really moving on, growing, giving back, gaining perspective? Or was it just some kind of "false spring" that tricked me into blooming and then killed all my flowers with another frost?

Somehow having had this positive period (several years ago now) makes where I'm at now feel even worse. Having experienced what felt like positive effects of my trauma (increased empathy, better boundaries, new opportunities, etc.), having hope, and seeing potential in my future feels like a liability now instead of a gift. All I can think now is that my possessions, privilege, and life should just be given to someone else who can make better use of them than I apparently can. I feel like I am just using up resources and wasting opportunities that someone else needs and probably wants a lot more than I do.

I guess it's a symptom of depression when even positive things feel bad.

#Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Trauma #PosttraumaticGrowth #metaphor #SuicidalThoughts #Hope #hopeless

I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and sexual abuse as an adult. I’d like to experience “safe touch”, aka touch that is consensual slow, and I decide how far it goes. Patience is key. I have a friend that I talked to about wanting to practice safe touch with them, and they will help meWe haven’t tried it yet. I’m thinking of having them hold my hand, hug me for a little bit. I asked them if we could do the safe touch on my bed, because that is where the abuse happened. I’m trying to take my power back and reframe my mind into associating my bed with rest and safe touch. Right now my bed is a huge trigger for me. I have multiple nightmares about the abuse happening again in my bed.

I’m starting to take steps to heal. I’m so relieved that my friend is here to support me and help me take my first “big steps”. I’m grateful for them.

Would love to know your thoughts on this! Thank you ❤️❤️

#PTSD #CPTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Trauma #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualTrauma #ChildhoodAbuse #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PosttraumaticGrowth #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #youarenotalone #MightyTogether

There are hundreds of tiny beings right outside your door just waiting to love you. Growing before your very eyes, they beam when interaction comes within their space and shine from the same sun we thrive on. Even if you can’t tolerate the sun, when nighttime comes, venture outdoors. Murmur to flowers, feel the soft winds, and listen to the rustle of tree leaves or bird wings. All of these things were created in love - just like us. A simple reconnect with them is sometimes all we need to jostle us and our memories towards more positive things. So, get outdoors a second. And, when you’re ready, we can speak on what planting and growing things can do for you. Love is growing everywhere - and your attention and love can make lots of things grow! Including you!! Be well.

#ASmileAsBigAsTheMoon #SocialAnxiety #AnxietyDisorder #Selflove