sexual trauma

I got knocked out cold very early yesterday until 6am today. I woke up with an awful tummy ache and I got really sick. I slept through Valentine's day on purpose. I was having double flashbacks yesterday morning and my back was really messed up so I took 2 THC gummies to knock me on my ass.
When I was 20 my boyfriend proposed to me on Valentine's Day. Shortly after he proposed I found out I was pregnant. I didn't plan to keep the baby but I was going to give them up for adoption. His family is Mormon and very strict. When I was 3 months pregnant he beat me and raped me quite hard and he kept pushing my abdomen. At some point he said "you did good. Now go clean up." I waddled to the bathroom... the rest of this story is too gory to share.
When I was just a kid 16 years ago I came out as transgender to my family and my mom beat the shit out of me. My family had a big reunion party at my house on Valentine's Day. One of my cousins said I looked very handsome. I told her I was coming out as transgender and she was so kind. My mom freaked out and punched me in the head and pushed me up against the bathroom wall so she could hit me and scream at me. She started crying and asked me"where did I go wrong!?!"
Later that night I sat behind my dad's bar and I found a glass jug of mogen David. I drank 2 thirds of the jug. Then I had my cousin mix me a screwdriver. I knew my daughter was safe cuz everyone just loved her to pieces. So I went and got my bag and car keys and snuck out and yeah I drove myself to the coffee shop...where my ex fiance was with his new whatever. I realized I couldn't handle seeing them so I wandered outside and went to 7-Eleven next to the coffee shop. I got 30 bucks worth of alcohol which I chugged in my car. My ex and his friends came out, somehow took my keys and my undrunk 4Loco. They shoved me in the car and closed the door. My brilliant idea was to crawl over to the other door... Which I did with about as much grace as a sloth hanging by 1 claw. I face planted. They picked me up and shoved me back in the car. A few minutes later my dad showed up and he was with my sister. They drove me home and I just went right to bed. What happened next?
I got disowned. 16 years ago today. My dad said I was deranged for wanting to have surgery to fix my gender dysphoria. He said I wanted to mutilate my body and he was disgusted by my decision.
So February is a difficult month for me.
I never told anyone about that.
10 years of history between me and Pauley and I never told her. I was trying to forget my past. There was so much violence and trauma during my teens and 20s. I've never known how to detach from my past trauma.
But this is the first valentines day I got triggered so hard in over 12 years. I don't know why. I was hoping to make happy memories this year with Pauley. But I got sick this morning. And then as I was sitting on the toilet I had another flashback about my daughter. So yeah I'm not doing so well.
#SexualTrauma #Abuse #PTSD