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Struggling to set my boundaries with a toxic friend...

To put a long story short when we talk or meet I always feel as if I always owe her something ...and do what she asks me for even if I don't want to. And as a result I feel irritated, empty and exhausted...but it's so hard to start setting boundaries after so many years of such" friendship".
I do my best to become a better person and to be gentle with other people's feelings...but is it possible to let her know politely that our meetups have become too exhausting for me and I'm tired of feeling guilty and that I owe her?
Do you have such toxic friends?
#toxicfriends #Depression #Anxiety #Fatigue #IntrusiveThoughts #ChronicIllness #MultipleSclerosis

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Awake at night

It's almost 1 am and I can't sleep. My mind keeps playing several scenes, like a movie. Scenes of my friend and our friendship. The friend who has been hurting me. Or, better, the friend who has been the reason why I have been hurting myself. He didn't do anything, he is just staying away struggling with depression and engaged in his own life, while I watch my self esteem being challenged. Maybe I am a reinforcing seeker. Why would a person be so attached to someone when there's absolutely no romantic feelings involved? Why am I so? This question tricks me. A side of me which doesn't make any sense. Maybe I am just to proud to walk away from what has become now a toxic friendship. It's all in my mind anyway.

#obsessivethoughts #toxicfriendships #toxicfriends #Sleeplessnight


I feel like such an idiot

I have a habit of either listening to music and completely ignoring people or arguing for no reason and all I do it tick people off and sound like an idiot. All of my friends hate on me half the time just because of this and I don’t think they are wrong to do so but I don’t know why I can’t just stop and shut up for once. I absolutely freaking hate BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #toxicfriends


My mind thought #1

There’s a lot on my mind and honestly I don’t know what to think sometimes like its been a month since I talked “my best friend” calling me a narcissist. They have been produced bad behaviors as well. I’m glad that i’m not in that friendship anymore but I do miss the good memories. My father is another narcissist as well. Just cutting two people off who didn’t give no craps or give any support about you in the beginning. It hurts but I don’t know if I can deal with emotional abuse and pain. #EmotionalAbuse #Narcissiticabuse #toxicfriends #Abandoned


The worst days #Depression #ChronicPain

#CheckInWithMe I find that, on the worst, most suicidal days, that it is hard to remember that there are different days. I won't say great days or better days because that falls into platitudes and that make us feel worse. I'd rather be ignored than have some platitude , marijuana advice or shut up and be positive denial bullsh%t.
I just wish ,that on my bleakest days, I could remember that some days are less bleak. Even slightly less bleak just because a cat purrs.
I felt really brave. I told my only two friends that I am so depressed that if I didn't have a cat I would kill myself. One changed the subject, the other told me to get out of my pity pajamas and be grateful for what I have. Then asked me for a favor. I realized that I make bad friendships. So I am grateful that I can cut people out of my life. Sarcasm is a plus.
It's hard enough having a chronic painful life without including heartless people in it.
Being alone is better than being lonely with people. #toxicfriends #toxicfamily


Questionable #Friendship #Borderline #Narsissistic #unstable #UnstableEmotions #toxicfriends #Selfcentered #Selfabsorbed

I have been through a friendship where 1) I’m not sure it was a real friendship, 2) my awareness and expectations of who this person really was was entirely wrong, 3) I’m not sure if I did anything to bring about her rapid change in tone with me, and 4) I’m sure I was dealing with a person with one or more personality and mood disorders.

Let’s call this friend (or should I say “friend”?) Tara. Tara works with me in the same company. She’s a couple years older than me, now in her mid-40s, and has been in this company a couple more years as well, not a supervisor, more of a senior colleague. Tara was divorced/single when we met, and I am married.

Some background: Tara had married young, she married her husband when they were classmates in grad school, and then were classmates during an arduous 5-year training program, and then another year in practice working together until they had - what I heard to be - an ugly divorce (he had taken money from her, I heard). She never spoke much about him, occasionally mentioned she thought he was an alcoholic, but said they probably would have stayed together if they had had kids (they never did, she didn’t talk about that).

So she had been in her early thirties, divorced and single. She proceeded to go through several relationships, none lasting more than two years (one man she mentioned she had been “almost engaged” to, not sure what that means). She had also been through several jobs in the same field, with different companies.

At our company, she worked two floors above me for the first couple years after I joined. She was always friendly and cordial with me, I only saw her occasionally. But I began to hear that there was some rift between her and our other staff on her floor. I never heard what exactly had happened, but know Tara to sometimes be defensive, irritable, and territorial about her work - which she occasionally expressed in angry emails to the team!

The chiefs of the department had to switch her office for other purposes, so they transferred her downstairs to my floor, a quieter floor.

Our friendship started pretty quickly then. I had been one of the few coworkers who she had been casually friendly with even before she came downstairs and I felt sorry for her about how the others were treating her upstairs. Although I didn’t know the details about what happened up there, I felt that she was a good worker who was being unfairly maligned.

We hit it off quickly. Mornings and afternoons chatting in each others’ offices, lunch together in the team breakroom, went to conferences together, walks to the company store together. We began emailing and texting quite frequently. Text conversations almost every day. Book and movie ideas, political discussions, you name it, fun chats. Her mother passed away and I spent several long phone conversations with Tara, although she later told me she generally did not like to talk on the phone. Tara describes herself as an introvert, she certainly is, and when s


Back up #Friendship #back me up #toxicfriends

Why do people support you to your face but behind your back they can’t back you up? If you can’t be my friend behind my back then don’t be my friend at all....

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They all left #Depression #Anxiety #betrayed

i thought i had friends, until i told them about my anxiety and depression, thats when they disappeared, like ashes, everyone left. That is the part where i feel betrayed. Backstabbed, I was there when they needed someone, but where are they when i need someone? give me a little hope,please anyone, , because i know i have no room for hope anymore. I give up because i don’t care anymore. No one does, so why should I? I tried,but no one else did. They tell you “Don’t give up, keep dreaming” , but is there still a dream? Is there, because i have seemed to lost mine.

the girl who seemed unbrokeable, broke
the girl who seemed strong, crumbled
the girl who always smiled, cried
the girl who never gave up, quit trying.
finally, she dropped her fake smile and whispered:
i cant do this anymore...

nobody knows how many times i’ve had to hold back tears, how many times i’ve felt like i’m about to snap but don’t just for the sake of others. Nobody knows how the thoughts that have gone through my head whenever i’m sad and how horrible they really are. I’m not worth it, am i? I don’t want to wake up anymore. I’m told to stay strong, keep fighting but they don’t understand….i’ve already lost,lost every battle, every war. People ask me “how are you?” what should i tell them?*broken, tired, sad, lonely, lost, suicidal*

But they all come out as “i’m fine”. 

And today I realized that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all. I tell everyone to keep holding on that there is light at the end. That everything gets better as long as you continue to wait. I always tell people to have hope. That they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, that they have so much to live for. Then there is me. And i am barely holding on. I’m always there for everyone when they need someone, but where is everyone when i need someone? #toxicfriends 
but here, we are all a big family - i decided to end my thought with a positive note, i love all of you and be strong, im here if you want to talk<3


Why does it hurt? #SocialAnxiety #Depression

So we were good being friends and talking, then you stopped for 2 months. I asked if I upset you and you said I did but wouldn’t tell me what or how. Gave you space again for over a month. Now you talk to me like nothing happened, and get offended when I don’t want to talk and say our friendship now feels one-sided? And you take it as me picking a fight not me explaining what you did? I thought I didn’t deserve you as a friend but now I’m thinking you didn’t deserve me #FamilyAndFriends #Badfriends #toxicfriends



Why is it always you?
Why does it have to always be about you?
For once, think about others.
Did you know the night you abandoned me,
I almost killed myself?
Probably not cause you don't ask about me.
Did you know my dog has been almost 3 months?
You knew she was sick for months.
But you never asked about her.
It's always about you.
My feelings don't matter to you.
You use me till I'm dry.
You mentally screw me up.
I'm so lost of what to do.
Your not a friend to me.
I'm just supporting you to keep you afloat.
I'm hoping one day you'll realize what I've done yo make you happy.
To push you to achieve things.
Yet you blow me off when I needed you at my lowest points.
Yet, I'm still here.
I'm your safety net.
What will you do if I give out?
Your safety net is hanging on by a thread.
You better come to realization before my last thread breaks.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #MightyPoets #toxicfriends #friendships #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder