whatswrongwithme

Idk why but i can’t stop thinking about how much I want to be clean and stop using. But no matter what I feel like when it comes time to finally getting clean and quitting. I never can. A literal battle with a demon that is my own mind. And idk how to escape it or what to do. #helpme #idontwanttodothisanymore #juststop #whatswrongwithme

TW: R*pe.

I do not react the way I should. At least, that's what I've been told and what has been implied by those without the guts to explicitly say it.

My mother broke down tonight, saying that she's accepted that I don't love her. Now, this may seem harsh and guilt-trippy on her part, but just listen for a second.
A couple months ago, a week or two before summer break, she told me that my father r*ped her 3 separate times. In front of my, (at the time), two year old brother. We were driving home from shopping and talking about the beginning years of their marriage, (they are now divorced btw), when it just sort of slipped out. I was shocked and mortified, and I showed it.

'Well, obviously. How could you NOT show it?' I'm glad you asked. I have a difficult time expressing my emotions. Sometimes I'm secretive about them intentionally, sometimes not. It's a blessing and a curse.

She then realized that it was something that needed to be addressed with her psychiatrist/therapist. Since then, she's struggled with all of this being brought up, especially because it's been about 2 decades and she hadn't really told anyone about it till now.
Although my initial reaction was expected, my attitude towards it and her has since been cruel. Why did she stay after the first time? How can I trust her decisions? (I already had a major difficulty with that.) Why would she leave me alone with him after that? (Even if he showed no sign of wanting to attempt such a thing with me, he is still a r*pist.)
I've grown cold, verbally abusive, etc, even more than before. So, now you see why she talked about her reasonably-inferred, stark realization tonight.

The thing is, I don't think she's necessarily wrong. She's taken me to Europe multiple times, gives me proper freedoms, accepts me for who I am (for the most part), she's never left/given up on me - all reasons that I SHOULD love her, care about her. But, I don't. I don't think so, at least.

It feels like everyone gets the same answer to this math problem, and I'm trying, but I don't have the right formula to solve it. I mean, why do people who hate their families spend their valuable time off on holidays with them? Why do people come out of the womb, loving their family unconditionally?
I see my family as regular people, not entities that I can't help but love because our DNA is more similar than in comparison to the rest of the population.

I should feel bad. I should be rushing into her room to say that I do love her and that she's got it all wrong. But, I'm not. I can't. She said tonight that she wants honesty, not just me pretending to like/love her so that I don't get punished or reprimanded. I've told her before to just leave me alone, that she needs to cut off this toxic relationship between us, etc, but now I think she finally gets it. Finally. Finally.

#Familyproblems #Loveless #whatswrongwithme

I think my anxiety has been getting worse lately. I basically self mutilated myself trying to remove an ingrown toenail (i should have never tried cutting it out myself) now it hurts so bad to walk and the truth is maybe I dont want to walk. I keep doing things to prevent me from getting out of bed or leaving the house...something keeps weighing me down. I've been eating poorly, drinking too much soda, and not taking care of myself. The world feels like this faraway dream/nightmare. I feel like an alien to it. I'm not sure where i'm going...I just want to feel that secure/happy place again. I skipped my last dr appointment due to not being able to get out of bed. I think i need more help. The only thing i can really do to make the anxiety stop is to play puzzles like sudoku, crosswords, or other games like that. I don't know who to talk to.... #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Dissociation #whatswrongwithme

This memory just haunts me even 12 years later, and it shouldn’t, and I don’t know why it does. But when I was 12 and my grandma was in the hospital an older lady Asked me for help out of her wheelchair. Me (not realizing the purpose of her being buckled in) helped untie her. Obviously a nurse saw, and came over and got so mad at me. I don’t know why but this memory still just makes me sick to my stomach thinking of. I just wish I could get over it I shouldn’t still be upset by it. #whatswrongwithme #Anxiety #Diagnosis #help

does anyone else have a really hard time with "friends"? If I had a dime for every time someone walked away and said it was because of my mental health I would be rich. I'm an extremely intense person. I love HARD. There isn't a single thing I wouldn't do for someone I called a friend, but I have NEVER received that type of loyalty in return. I have given people a place to stay when they had nothing and nobody. But as the most recent person told my husband, she just couldn't be the type of friend I needed I'm curious is it me? Am I unloveable? Or is it a BPD thing where I push to hard to fast? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #friendshipstruggles #whatswrongwithme #Depression #PanicDisorder #PTSD #Agoraphobia

I am dealing with one of the biggest battles of my depression and anxiety I have had yet. I feel like im falling and drowning within my own head and i feel like im taking everyone around down with me. I feel like everything i do is wrong and that i am failing at even the simplest of things because i am stuck in my own head, my anger, guilt. I feel broken. I feel ive completely failed my wife and am failing in my marriage. I want to give up #Inadequate #Insecure #whatswrongwithme #Drowning #failing #Falling #help #Demons

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel tired. Sure, I push through the day the best I can but I’m always thinking about when I can curl up in a ball and sleep. I can’t decide if sleep is deep need now or still an escape. I’m physically exhausted all the time. Sometimes it’s so bad, just lifting my arm takes everything out of me. Just typing this out is making me feel weak and exhausting me. Is it depression? Anxiety? Psychological at all? Is it a physical condition? Is it my medications? Is some part of me giving up and I haven’t accepted it?
And the pain? It’s always there. Somewhere in my abdomen twisting and wringing my insides like a wet towel. The aches in my muscles. Aches in my joints. Cold threads pulsing throughout my veins and throughout my body. The cold weather makes it so much worse; my lungs ache.
And the nausea? It shows up out of nowhere and it doesn’t even have the courtesy to make me vomit to ease it. It lingers. All of it lingers. I’m always floating on a cloud and watching my whole life pass below me. Sometimes I don’t feel connected to my body. I’ve left it behind, floating away on a cloud. Time is flying by and I’m stuck, there’s no wind pushing me to a set destination. And I lack the desire to climb down.
I fight every day, but some days I can’t keep going. I give up. I bury myself under blankets and pillows and escape from the world; too exhausted to continue.
I hope my upcoming doctor’s appointment gives me answers. Until then, on my cloud I rest.

#Depression #empty #Pain #MoodDisorder #whatswrongwithme