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    Too much on my mind #Depression #drugaddiction #activeaddiction #idkwhattodo #iwanttostop #Whyisthissohard

    Idk why but i can’t stop thinking about how much I want to be clean and stop using. But no matter what I feel like when it comes time to finally getting clean and quitting. I never can. A literal battle with a demon that is my own mind. And idk how to escape it or what to do. #helpme #idontwanttodothisanymore #juststop #whatswrongwithme

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    “This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou, American poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist

    A fresh start, new perspective, empty slate, limitless possibilities, put yesterday behind you and move forward, and breathe and lean into a new day. You can set new objectives, new goals, and new challenges for yourself. There is only the new moment…be present and enjoy the day. It will pass too, then the cycle begins again. Like Ground Hog’s day, as each new day comes you can adapt with new knowledge and confidence from your past experiences. Take a new step…knowing you can achieve whatever you desire…

    … but it’s not always easy leaving the past behind. Painful memories can linger, past failures take away our confidence. Depression can hold us back and only have us thinking of struggles behind us and future worries, but it really is a new wonderful day! Enjoy!

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Fear #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #ADHD #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #Alcoholism #drugaddiction #Sexaddiction #Codependency #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #BackPain #COVID19 #longcovid #Migraine #Headache #Disability #MightyTogether #MightyMinute #MentalHealthHero #Hope #Joy #Happiness #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope

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    Lost in addiction my life was unmanageable, but I couldn't stop!

    Since I was a young teenager I always struggled with addiction. It totally overshadowed my life as a secret second world. I was what they call a Functioning Addict who still showed up in life while coming home to a scary life of hell. But my job, friendships and connections to family really suffered. I went to family functions in a haze, tired from acting out in my addiction, not fully focused, not present, and I wasn't able to support others or be supported. Of course I never asked for help because not only was I not fully aware of my addiction, but I also didn't want to show weakness.

    My friendships faded as I think people thought I didn't care about them...but how could I? Addiction is partially a very selfish thing...not intentionally, but I lived only for my next fix. And I hid it well, or so I thought. I cancelled commitments, didn't show up on time or at all, without any plausible excuses. I didn't know what was going on in my friends’ lives because even when I was with them I had no focus and was paranoid they’d see right through me & tried to say the right thing but looking back I usually didn't do that well.

    I was a great employee when I was there on good days, but being late was a regular pattern, I didn't focus with customers and often my manager or other employees had to step in and cover for me! On my yearly reviews I got 10’s for product knowledge & customer service, but 4’s and 5’s for tardiness, lack of focus & follow through on tasks. I was passed over for promotions numerous times and was resentful and angry. In my mind I was a great employee, but in reality I was usually either zoned out or hung over from the night before, or already planning my next fix.

    I was out of control on some levels but just couldn't stop. I tried to change with will power and every time I sobered up I promised myself I’d change, I’d never do that again, and in the moment thought I could, but usually the next night I’d be right back struggling lost in addictive throes. I put my life at risk hanging out in the wrong neighborhoods and with the wrong people. One of these nights I was raped and contracted HIV! There were real life consequences for my dangerous lifestyle.

    I can't remember exactly when it was that I hit rock bottom, but I do remember proposing to a girl I barely knew on the 4th date and getting engaged. Turns out she too was an addict, she just hid it from me really well. I tracked her down one night into a bar and tried unsuccessfully to take her home and I came face to face that I was an addict too! I broke up with her and almost immediately went to my first 12 step meeting, learned that I was not alone and admitted that I was powerless over my addiction and my life was unmanageable.

    After many ups and downs, trials and tribulations, today I have been sober for 9.5 years & each night I pray thanks for another sober day! #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #Depression #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #Alcoholism #Sexaddiction #drugaddiction #12step


    To my Drug Addicted Mum -

    Growing up the hardest thing for me was accepting that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough to make you want to win the battle of addiction.

    I wasn’t enough for you to choose me and that’s something that will hurt me forever. Now that I’m grown I’ve come to understand that Drugs are like a chaotic vortex that sucks in the vulnerable and the helpless and unfortunately mum that person was you.

    You allowed yourself to become captive in its grasp and allowed it to consume you and subsequently ruined many lives in the process.

    Being the child of an addict bares its own consequences, the emotional turmoil I’ve faced from the lies and deception from you mum should be enough to make me hate you forever but you are my creator, for that I am thankful and I can’t take that away from you.

    I am your daughter, your little girl and yet you can lie so easily to my face, time after time you betray me and crush the last remaining bits of trust I have left and then expect me to be waiting for you with open arms.

    Mum I’m lost. I try to remind myself that these are the actions of an ill and addicted mind but ultimately YOU chose this path. No one forced a pipe into your mouth and that’s something I struggle to get my head around. If your 3 heartbroken children isn’t enough to make you stop then what will? At this rate it will be death.

    Mum why wasn’t I enough? :(
    #Addiction #Addict #childofanaddict #MentalHealth #BPD #betrayed #Drugs #help #alone #drugaddiction #HeroinAddiction


    Now that I've pushed everyone away, how do I get them back?

    I was just recently told that I have BPD. I am an addict and, have pushed away everyone Matters to me in my life. Thinking all along that the reason behind me pushing them away with so that I can utilize the time to party more. Now that they have distanced themselves I'm finally feeling the solitude that is deafening.
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #confused #lonely #drugaddiction #selfsabotage

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    My Story, Life Traumas & Finding Myself #MyStoryMatters

    PART 1

    I like to tell myself that not everyone gets the traditional story. Us kids sure didn’t have the ‘typical’ childhood & up bringing most did. My parents weren’t fit to be parents as a lot of their choices were made around drugs and crime. That led my sisters, brother and myself to be put in either an aunts care or in and out of foster homes for quite some time. Being in my mums aunts care is what really saved us kids. She had stability and structure. Every time we left my aunties that would all go out the window. My dad had landed himself in prison yet again. This time was different though, he wasn’t able to do his time nor even get a sentencing as he was murdered before trial. My mum couldn’t take care of us kids on her own at the best of times. Now this massive traumatic event, the one person that somewhat held our family together, was gone. Everything honestly got worse after that. Mum abruptly (without anyone knowing) moved us all to Queensland, and it wasn’t long after that, she had another overdose on heroin.

    Im sure you’re prepared for what was next.

    Back into foster care with complete strangers we went. We lived a very tortured and slaved life in this particular ‘home’. We tried expressing ourselves to DHS (department of human services) but no one would listen. It wasn’t until 2 and a half years later, when we had more foster children enter the house, that something was actually done and our voices were heard. Finally the abuse and bs stopped as all us kids were removed and placed in different homes again. Finally, our aunty found us, fought for us and flew out to Queensland to bring us back home to Melbourne. Back to our family and a place we knew we were loved and safe. Mum continued to live in Queensland for a further few years before returning to Melbourne.

    You’d think after going through such traumatising events that I’d be happy to be back with family, in a safe environment with safe and loving people. But I know it wasn’t me being unhappy where I was, it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate it either. I think because so much happened in so little time, i was feeling so very lost. I had that many things running through my mind. I didn’t know who I was anymore or what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted, why I was feeling the way I was, what was triggering me. I had the crappiest mentality. I always felt attacked, i mean half the time I was. My family assumed that I would be the child to follow in my parents footsteps. That I would be the first out of my siblings to have a child, that I would go down a ‘that’ path. I always felt such negativity towards me. I was being accused of smoking cigarettes when in actual fact I wasn’t. Lots of things pushed me to rebel. I became so fricken stubborn & such an angry person.

    #Trauma #Stress #FosterCare #cigarettes #PTSD #drugaddiction #anger #Grief #Early Childhood Trauma


    Who knows

    I haven’t been on this site in a while but thank God you’re still here. My depression and anxiety have been on full blast lately but it has nothing to do with COV19. that’s just my life for the last 40 years. With trying to just hold on day to day to deal with my mental illnesses I just simply don’t have the strength to get all up in the air about this virus. I’m handling it like I do my sickness, it is what it is. The only difference is I know my mental illnesses are real but I don’t think we’ll ever know the actual truth and real deal behind all this COV19 stuff and I feel Ike we’re being fed a bunch of bullshit about the whole thing because so much about what they’re telling us and how they’re reacting just isn’t adding up. I have not seen one news person or one government person wearing a mask, are they immune or something. My focus is what it has always been and that’s holing on by a string from day to day. #Depression#Anxiety#mental Illness#Agoraphobia #drugaddiction


    You lost your biggest fan.

    As a kid you were my biggest inspiration, regardless of countless promises broken and the sadness I left unspoken I still naively looked up to you. As a kid I thought you had won the battle of addiction but really you just got better at hiding it.

    I was your biggest fan. I watched you jump from man to man but yet I still had so much respect for you. I told everyone they were wrong that it was no longer drugs you do. You see mum I had so much faith in you. I use stay awake at night and cry because I was scared that one day you were going to die and I couldn't understand why. Why you would choose drugs over your children...

    But mum at only 10 i realised that you were still letting me down I no longer had that same 5 year old frown, I was over it. Over you, over loving you, over wondering what I was suppose to do because I no longer cared.
    Mum you lost your biggest fan.
    You lost a little girl that loved you dear, a little girl who soothed your fears and would wipe your tears, who loved you regardless of how long it was between seeing you, whether it be months or years.
    I now no longer have that same emotion towards you.
    And I'm sorry if that hurts you.
    But I guess the empty promises you broke cut much deeper than I had ever spoke.
    I'm now 22 mum, and I guess in someways you're still an inspiration.
    You inspire me to be nothing like you, and to ensure I do everything I need to do and when I have a child they'll be my biggest fan just like I was for you.

    #drugaddiction #Drugs #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #brokenrelationship #struggle #Battle #Addiction #alone