Atrial Fibrillation and Stroke

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Drained

I have bipolar and PTSD. I had been doing pretty good. I’m on disability because of my mental illnesses but working a little. I tutor a couple of kids and started to do substitute teaching last fall. Tutoring is 4 days a week, a couple of hours each day and I sub a few days a month.

Like I said, I’ve been pretty good. I haven’t felt overwhelmed and I’m thinking mostly positive thoughts. I’m grateful for what I have and how I’m able to take care of myself.

But then last week, my heart went into AFIB really bad with my heart rate at around 140. I’ve never had any heart problems before so it was kind of scary.

My daughter brought me to the ER where I got tests, plugged into monitors, drugs, etc. My heart kept flipping out for about 12 hours, stayed in the ER for 24 hours. Docs were really concerned and then it finally popped back to regular rhythm. Got transferred to the cardiac unit for another day. No one could tell me why it happed.

I’m waiting to get an appt with a regular cardiologist. The hospital doc put me on blood thinners now so need to change my life some. I don’t know if I will have to change my mental health meds. I hope not. They’ve been working pretty good for quite a while.

Now I get really exhausted and drained just walking around and it’s affecting me mentally. I feel myself going down into depression. I can’t even go outside for a walk because it’s too tiring. I don’t think I should be so tired. I’ve had to stop tutoring for a bit. The kids I tutor are special needs and I don’t want them to fall farther behind. I’m feeling guilt because of that and overwhelmed in general because I can’t seem to get anything done. I don’t want to go into full blown depression again but I don’t see a way out right now.

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I feel silly for even posting this but it's a weird kind of grief I'm really struggling with so please have mercy on me.

So, I've never really been into children, I've always loved animals. I'm married, now aged 55. I've had countless dogs, cats, even horses. I did livestock for the fairs when I was young, I know and have experienced the life and death cycles of the all too short lives of our pets. And I've had some really special animals over the past, from my first dog when I was 5, to the dogs and horses I have today. I also have a long history of depression and anxiety. I have ptsd from medical trauma (I had a pulmonary embolism due to AFib and the ER doc had told me that my situation was very dire and might not survive, it was extremely frightening for me) so COVID was initially quite terrifying for me and still remains a point of fear (I still mask) due to my underlying health conditions. OK, enough of the background.

I have two rescue dogs, Bella and Lola. Lola we got as a puppy, and she is one of a kind. I've never had a dog like this. Smart, emotive, intuitive, funny, vocal, beautiful, unique...much to the point where I have found myself grieving her loss in advance, if that makes any sense. We became even closer over the pandemic, working from home, and then she had both knees replaced so I was her nursemaid and she lived in my bedroom where she's pretty much stayed ever since.

I often find myself looking at Lola and saddened, sometimes to the point of tears, knowing that I will lose her and feeling like when that day comes, I won't be whole again. I'm not sure how this has happened. I've never fixated on an animal like this before. It's like knowing that someone has a terminal illness. In an animal's case, it's knowing that their life is short. But instead of enjoying her while I have her, every day feels bittersweet because it's a day less instead of a day more. Now she's aged 8, and as a larger breed, the feeling that time is growing short is getting more intense and my grief seems to be growing with it.

I know the obvious answer is to see a therapist. I just wonder, has this happened to any of you, whether about an animal or a human? Or is this really way out there? It's so painful, it's such a painful thing to look at her with such love and such hurt at the same time. I sometimes feel like I won't survive her loss when it happens. Despite having family, and friends, that the absence will be too much for me. Maybe this is a pandemic/lockdown mental health issue. I just don't know. But I had to get this out somewhere, even if it's weird. Because I don't understand it and it scares me a little. Thanks for listening, and I hope you can be kind.

#Grief #Depression #Anxiety #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #PulmonaryEmbolism #AtrialFibrillationAndStroke

5 reactions 5 comments
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Covid at 73 - dark times

My husband and I have been very careful over the last two years to not contract Covid.

I have comorbidities of lung disease and afib and kidney issues. My husband is healthy with severe joint issues . My husband is our food shopper and always wears a mask in public. On Jan 2 he began to feel very ill with a terrible headache and sore throat. He stayed in bed two days. I tested him and he showed positive right away. I was staying in the living room. That night I experienced terrible drowning coughing, fever of 102 and excruciating body pains. I tested that morning and was negative. I spoke to our Doctors who said I would be positive the next day. They were correct. From this time on is a very lonely and frightening ordeal. There was no caregiver as each of us were struggling. His sickness caused vertigo and weakness and headaches. Mine, perhaps due to my lung disease centered upon my chest and awful weakness.
We lost our sense of smell and taste. On day six I warmed up soup and ate it. I always drank tea.
The pervasive feeling of being so ill and so alone really overwhelmed us. It is day 18 now and we now get up and move to living room couches. We are unable to clean, do laundry or put away our Christmas tree which we have grown to dislike.
I know I sound terribly whiny but so many people have said Covid isn’t bad- and we are two old souls who say - wrong. We long for a “ good” day when we can do our chores and feel happy. This is our Covid- day 18.

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Im always sad at night when everyone else gets to sleep but not me

Im up to battle my pains alone…I can take a few pain killers and others… but that would take away my days and leave me asleep for a few days too. I don’t want to sleep my life away…don’t like to not be able to function and feel sleepy all the time too. To all my fellow night warriors-let us not grow weary and cheer each other on because no one else knows of these battles we deal with but us! Fighting!! I hope some of you warriors are able to sleep tonight at least… #warriors #FamilialHemiplegicMigraine #IBSD #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #Neuropathy #BackPain #insomia #AtrialFibrillationAndStroke #ChronicMigraines #chronic

9 comments
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I screwed up again 🙃

It's difficult to see who is friend and who is trying to scam you.
This is an apology to the person that I wrongfully assumed was trying to scam me.
I'm sorry, I really, really am. I jumped to the wrong conclusions about your intentions, and I hope you can forgive me for this.
On my behalf though, I get so many messages from people with bad intentions that I wrongfully assumed yours were.
I'm sorry 😞 and hope you forgive me.
#MentalHealth
#BipolarDepression
#PanicDisorder
#AtrialFibrillationAndStroke
#HeartAttack
#Guilt
#SuicidalIdeation
#ChildhoodAbuse
#CPTSD
#ChildhoodSexualAbuse
#abandonment
#ChronicPain
#AndSoOn

16 comments