Badthoughts

I feel horrible. I haven’t visited my gram who’s dying of cancer. Reason is I’m too depressed to get out of bed before noon. But I just want to be with her. I lie awake at night thinking about her sleeping at the nursing home. How lonely she feels, angry and depressed. When I leave her I feel so guilty. I feel even more guilty that I don’t see her more than once a week. When I think about these things about myself, I spiral into dark thoughts. How I’m a worthless asshole, piece of shit, who doesn’t even visit his gram. How I disappointed her. How I’ve let her down. I think that I should be punished for not visiting her. She’s suffering so much so I have to suffer too. I’ve thought about really bad thoughts when I think of her and I’m not there. I just am a burden and a disappointment. I won’t hurt myself, I just have these thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares where she dies. My heart just aches. I’m scared of her dying. But I also want her to not be in pain anymore. Her cancer is spreading. When she dies I don’t know what I’ll do.. mental breakdown. #Grief #Depression #lonely #ihatemyself #MentalHealth #Cancer #Anxiety #Badthoughts #Selfhate #lonely #alone

Everytime I close my eyes, all I can see are wells. Deep, dark wells. I can't imagine the future or visualize the past anymore. And when I can, it takes me back to happier days that seem to have happened in another lifetime, and then I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I feel stuck and in pain, and I just want this pain to end. I feel like I don't matter, like my life makes no sense and I'm not needed. Like if I wasn't here, the world would be exactly the same, because no one depends on me for anything. When we lived abroad, I had a nice job that I loved and I was respected. I was finding my place in society and was even making plans to run my own business. And then we decided to move back home to be closer to family, but it's a much smaller town, we live a bit far, there's barely any buses and I can't drive, because I have this paralizing fear of driving, and this is like a rock weighing me down while I try to stay afloat. Not being able to drive is like a cancer eating away my insides and stopping me from doing things I should be doing. And then there's COVID-19, this thing that came out of nowhere and ruined so many people's lives. I was supposed to be looking for jobs, instead I'm stuck at home, afraid of catching it and passing it on to my parents. Plus I miss hugging people. Gosh I miss a good hug😞 My husband isn't helping, he's so immersed in his own job that he doesn't seem to see me. Like he literally doesn't see me. Right now, to top it all off, he's upset with me for something I said a week ago, and he treats me like I'm not even there. I feel ugly and lonely and stuck and in pain and I desperately need a hug. And I feel useless, like an empty shell. Can't it just end? Can I just go to sleep one day and... that's it? At least all worries would stop and it wouldn't hurt anymore. I'm sorry everyone for the dark post, but this is the only place where I feel safe to say these things without being judged. I wish I had a picture of puppies to put here, to lighten the mood, but I'm in no mood to look for one. I don't seem to have any light in me. #Depression #Anxiety #covid19anxiety #Badthoughts #ineedhelp #INeedAHug

There is more going on than I can handle. I often wonder what is the point. I get tired, exhausted actually. And I know I am preaching to the choir...so I'm not sure if I'm venting or whining bc that inner monologue of mine is telling me to "suck it up... some of the people here are worse and have bigger problems than you princess..." And I can't shut it up or turn it off.
You know I haven't thought about doing anything out of character in a long time but suddenly I remembered that I'm a tiger and I still have stripes and maybe it's harder to change to spots than I thought...
Idk...$h!t...
#Anxiety #Depression #Badthoughts #exhausted #Stress

I am so caught up in my fxxxxxx #Depression I couldn't manage to go out with my dog properly. She was only out in the garden, the whole weekend. I am so exhausted and other people start to scare me. I even hate shopping now, I used to love it. I don't care about anything anymore. I had so much plans for taking care of me and getting better again but I cannot manage to get up and do it. All I want is to stay in bed by myself. I signed up for veganuary before #Depression hit me again but now I don't bother. I am scared that I won't come out this in time. I know I need to be strong for when my beloved husband is going into surgery next month but I feel paralysed. Do you know that? What are you doing to get moving again? I love my dog and feel so bad for her. Which makes me even more depressed, thinking about it. It's like I can never break this cycle of #Badthoughts and feeling constantly #Guilty because I am so exhausted.

Everyday of my life I try to fight the thought that I’m worth nothing, but at the end of the day I know is true, I’m replaceable and there’s nothing I can do to change that, I don’t want anyone to hurt me but I always end up opening my heart to people and they leave

I’m scared that the important people I have in my life right now will leave too, and if I’m going to live with that fear all my life then what’s the point of living anyway

#Depression #Anxiety #Sadness #Badthoughts

the past 2 weeks have been bad. I thought I was getting my shit together but I've been thinking about suicide and self harm and honestly just running away from everything. I'm a mess I have been for months but only in the past few weeks have I realized how bad I actually am and how much it isn't just my anxiety that is keeping me down but also my depression is starting up again and dragging me down so deep I cant see any light ahead of me. I'm trying to make plans for things to look forward to but everyone keeps cancelling on me and its dragging me down deeper. doctors on Monday morning so hopefully I can get some more help but it isn't easy and I dont know how to start climbing out of this hole. #Depression #Downdays #help #struggling #Suicide #Selfharm #Badthoughts

I dunno what to do, I dunno if I have depression all my friends think I have really bad and recently I have been having thoughts and things in my head telling me to do things. I can’t get them out of my head ##TheMighty #Selfharm #Badthoughts

Soo today I had the worse breakdown yet was fully prepared to make a stupid decision, luckily I had my mums voice in my head “breath, take deep breaths and breath” I found the courage to pick up the phone and call my best friend and mum to come and save me from these dark thoughts running through my head.

I’m not sure I feel any clearer but I do know I nearly gave up today and despite still not knowing how I will get through tomorrow I got through today in the end!

Please can people share there coping skills!

#NeverGiveUp #ITSOKAYTOTALK