Hello everyone, I am pretty new to this app. My experience so far has been insightful and strengthening. Thank you Mighties 💕
Lately, I have been struggling with my dad’s cancer diagnosis. I understand that he is the one with the cancer, but it is disheartening for everyone in the family.
My relationship with my dad, in short, has been a complicated one. I believe most girls go through a stage where their dads distance themselves. Mine did this but it was due to a traumatic brain injury. He went from my most favorite person in the world to a person I feared above all others.
I used to be “daddy’s little girl” but then I was “ignorant” “hysterical” “stupid” and a “disappointment”. My brother and I used to hide from him in our rafters in the barn so we wouldn’t have to work. If I was talking while he was on the phone, he would throw the nearest object he could find at me. I swam my fastest race and he told me I should have done it two years prior. I was being a brat and he held me up by the ponytail and screamed at me...the list goes on.
Like I said...he changed.
Now he has extra skeletal osteosarcoma. This is a rare disease and it is slowly killing him. I initially moved away from a job I loved to be at home with he and my mom. Then he got better. It came back. I chose a Masters program close to home instead of traveling away (I liked this school for other reasons too) and he got better again. Overall, his diagnosis has been like a yo-yo.
Now, he no longer has one kidney, is missing part of his left atrium, has had a stroke and has two tumors back in his lungs. I was going to go off to nursing school but deferred to stay again. All the while, I am wondering what I am doing. Why am I doing this for someone who has treated me so horribly. I know why. He is my Dad. Still, I wish the feelings of resentment wouldn’t cross my mind.
The past year, I have also been gaslighted and accused of being a pathological liar. My friends and even family members were convinced by others that I am a liar. This makes it even harder to have someone to explain this all to. People here about my dad dying and then surviving and do not believe me. Or they hear about the past and they think it isn’t true.
My mom and my brother know the truth and I have them to turn to. However, they are of the same mindset. We all have been hurt by my dad in one way or another and we all feel similar about his cancer. “Is this really the end?” “Why can’t be see that God keeps giving him chances?” “What did we do to deserve this?”
My family is not selfish. They are the kindest people you could ever meet. I just want to know if we are alone in feeling this way.
Have any of you ever felt this way? That you hate yourself for resenting the person who is physically suffering? Have you ever tried to squash those feelings inside because you knew they were impure but they rear up anyway? #Caretakers #Cancer #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChildhoodAbuse #Gaslighting #MightyTogether