I hate this cancer & everything it’s done!
In April of this year I was diagnosed with stage 4 bile duct liver #Cancer . I’ve been in #Chemotherapy since May. I recently found out I’ll be in chemo for the rest of my life or until it either stops working or becomes too toxic for my body to handle.
I hate chemo, I thought I only had a few treatments left in this “round” but turns out there is no round. My arms are so marked up and bruised from the IVs since I’m a hard stick. I had a faulty painful port put in and taken out, the complication was so severe that I might not be able to have a replacement put in. I’ve lost 53lbs and most of my hair. I’ve developed #ChemotherapyinducedPeripheralNeuropathy . It makes me so sick, so weak, so tired. I’ve had to have platelet and plasma transfusions because of chemo.
The chemo has helped shrink my main tumor from grapefruit size to a lime so far and helped with the spreading so I put up with it and I’m grateful for it even though I hate it.
Nobody tells you that cancer physically hurts. It’s does, a lot. And the smaller that damned tumor gets the more it hurts. Mine vibrates, it’s such a weird sensation. My oncologist and I joke that it’s the wicked witch melting as the chemo shrinks her. Of course I have a dramatic tumor. I have to pick and choose when I take pain killers for it because of my heart disease and fragile heart. So unless the pain is around a 9, I just try to deal with it. It’s been a 7-8 24/7 here lately.
Nobody tells you that cancer doesn’t take away your hunger but it does take away your ability to eat. So you’re just hangry and unable to eat all the time, makes me such a pleasant person to be around I’m sure. The moment I try to eat I’m instantly nauseous and feel full whilst my stomach growls. And everything tastes like crap courtesy of chemo.
Nobody tells you that cancer robs your ability to take care of yourself. It takes your energy, your balance, your strength, your concentration. It leaves you weak and exhausted and ravaged by pain and treatment side effects. I now rely 100% on my mother to care for me as if I were a child, I’m 40. If I try to walk around Walmart for more than 15 min, I pass out. So my elderly mother has to do everything.
They don’t tell you how lonely cancer makes you, how your immune system is so fragile that you’re basically on lockdown. Especially in 2021! I can’t trust others to socially distance or mask all the time or be totally vaccinated and not interact with others who may be sick so I can’t see anyone outside my household which is just my mother and our pets.
When you get told you have stage 4 cancer you’re given a lot of hope, however false (or not) it may be. You’re not told at 40 how to plan for the “just in case but probably the case” or what the legalities are.
Cancer sucks but y’all are great for letting me vent, thank you!