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Don't like this feeling.

I told my therapist several things I rarely talk out loud about. Since my appointment Friday, I have felt regret for telling her. Also, extremely vulnerable, alone, and afraid. I know nothing bad will come from me telling her but I still these things. It has taken me all weekend to get to the point that I could explain it this much. I just wish these feelings would stop. #alone

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Letter to my dad

I am not sure when our lives separated, I may have been four years old. I can't remember much those first few years, but eventually, I did remember the dread and the guilt I felt when it was time to make a call. I often wonder, Dad, did you realize what your words did to me, did you realize how guilty I felt over things I had no control over. As a young child living with one parent isn't often our choice, but you made it seem like it was. You had no idea how your words cut me , made me feel as though I was doing something wrong. I was a child,Dad, I had no idea what to do, or not to do. My little heart hurt for what you wanted and what I wanted. See Daddy, at that time you had no idea how much I had been hurt in my short life, and would I ever tell you "no," Dad? I wouldn't. To this day, you have no idea what I went through as a little girl, and I am not sure it would help if you knew. What's sad is that I have always needed my daddy and I never felt him close. As I grew older, and our relationship grew more distant, I didn't know how to fix it. I hoped that you would know what to do, and you would help, but you never came, you never helped your little girl. I only grew older and made bad decisions, and instead of my dad being there, he left and once again. I felt all alone. You probably think I am blaming you for everything and that couldn't be further from the truth. I knew my decisions were my own, and I knew I would do whatever I had to do to make my life right. I had always wished you were there to see it, but I guess I wasn't important enough for you to keep up with. Eventually, I married and had two other children. I married a man who loved me and everything that came with me. He took my daughter in as his own with no questions. He was a man you would be proud of, Dad, but you weren't there. I am sure you thought that is what I wanted, to not have you there, but dad you couldn't have been more wrong. I wanted you there. I wanted you to meet the man I fell in love with. I wanted you to meet your grandchildren, and I wanted you there for me. At 30 years old, I let myself cry for you more than I ever have. My guilt and emotions spilled over, and I didn't want to be 30 without you by my side. It was also at that time I decided it was time to forgive myself and move on. I forgave myself for not being the daughter you had always wanted. I forgave myself for not being there when you felt I needed to be, Dad. I forgave myself for everything I held in for those 30 years; I had to. You may still feel like I owe you, you may still feel like I wronged you, and I am sorry you feel that way, Dad. I can't make that better. My only hope is that one day you will forgive me as I have forgiven you, and that we can have the relationship every father and daughter deserve. #Childhoodtrauma #childabusesurvivor #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse

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Balance and no shame self care

On the weekends I’ve always done everything that I didn’t get to in the week. And that’s normal we all have things to do but then after I had a life changing event, I realized I need to slow down.

Have a coffe with a friend, sleep in, bake something (I love baking), taking my dog for a longer walk, reading, getting my hair done whatever it is. I think in this crazy time we live in we have to make time to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty. I’ve always been someone who felt guilty for doing things for myself ….. I’ve realized how distructive that is, how I was devaluing myself for things and people who didn’t really care.

Personally I think this stemmed from my parents telling me that I was lazy and entitled when I was relaxing as a child. My parents use to tell me that I have nothing to be stressed about, I always felt ashamed of my stress and anxiety. I don’t think you should ever diminish your children’s feeling or experiencing their emotions because that leads to emotionally stunted adults.

All and all, I just want someone to know today that you should never feel ashamed of yourself, never feel like you don’t have the right to your emotions. Self care is important, your feelings are important, you are important ❤️ #Anxiety #childabusesurvivor #PTSD #Depression #ADHD

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My Thoughts Exactl!!

I can resonate with this in more ways than one! I'm Always feeling like I'm Always having to Apologize for being who I am! & To be quite honest, it's sad I feel I have to feel this way just to keep the peace! I shouldn't ever have to Apologize for being who I a! If no one can accept me for who I am & Love me for who I am well then they don't need to be in my life! Period!! I refuse to live up to everyone else's expectations & be somebody I'm Not!

#Notsorry #Iamwhoiam #YouEitherLoveMeOrYouDont #ThatsYourChoice #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #childabusesurvivor #Survivor



Denying children affection is abuse.
Denying children attention is abuse.
Shaming your child is abuse.
Embarising your child is abuse.
Disregarding your child’s feelings is abuse.
Ignoring their struggles is abuse.

There is no age restriction on abuse.
#childabusesurvivor #Anxiety #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor

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Questioning the origin of my vocal spasms

#VocalCordDysfunction #Dystonia #Autism #Dysphagia #SensoryIntegration #SensoryProcessingDisorder #MotorDisorders #Dyspraxia #Apraxia #ApraxiaOfSpeech #Undiagnosed I posted a question on the vocal cord dysfunction and dystonia communities earlier tonight, and then did a little research on vocal cord dysfunction in order to see if I could find any answers to a question that has been unanswered or partially answered for decades in my life. About the cause of the painful vocal spasms I've had all my life, and the dysphagia issues that developed in early adulthood, that seemed to be related. An exacerbation, if you will. Both have waxed and waned significantly since.

What I found google suggested two things: 1. Nobody in the medical community really has a clue about vocal spasms, although the field of dystonia has more knowledge than the rest. And 2: Given all my other issues, it is entirely likely these symptoms are not caused by jyst one thing. It could be a number of things! Oh yeah, I forgot to add #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD and #Asthma to the list of potential factors. Oh, and #childabusesurvivor .

Stress does seem to have played a factor, as does #Fatigue especially as I consider the baseline level of fatigue and stress I lived with for most if my life that I am only now beginning to realize the effects they must've had on me, and how much it all must've inhibited my abilities and ability to grow as a person, and to learn. (Which were hidden due to my high intelligence and academic ability. #Hyperlexia played a factor in that. And the general intolerance of the people in my environment, and the ableist nature of society in general.) And the cost its all had on/to me.

But there's a lot of neurological complexities too, as you can see by the hashtags. It makes me leery of trying yo officially get this sorted out after all. Most medical professionals won't know quite what to make of it all, if they even know the terms! Still, I wonder... I've always thought it was one thing, or mostly one thing, but maybe it isn't. Maybe it is more part of the whole "interesting neurological mess" thing so many autistics find themselves dealing with. (Multiple neurological syndromes that are too complicated to try to explain how they all work, never mind interact, to outsiders)


Come Find Me

Come find me. I’m here,
I promise.
I am here. I am
Vibrant and happy and
Strong. I am - when
You can find me.
Only problem is that
I’m hard to find
There are some thorn-
bushes you’ll have to
Fight thru.
But I’m here,
I promise,
And I want to be found.
I do.
I’m sorry that
I’m hard to find.
But please don’t give up
I want to be -
Need to be-

#CPTSD #childabusesurvivor #PTSD #AnxietyDisorder #Christianity


It’s been a battle in my mind with staying present. Yesterday, I realized that my parents never asked me what my favorite colors where, celebrated me, remember any milestones, noticed when I quit basketball in 6th grade, never encouraged me to dream or asked me how my day was going . I would just bring in my straight A’s and it was noted but not celebrated. I just existed but wasn’t seen. They didn’t help me discover who I am. Just a lot of emotional neglect. So, I feel that I now need to ask myself those basic questions: what are your favorite colors? What is your favorite song? Who are you, really what do you want out of life? What interests you?Some more self discovery. #CPTSD #depressed #hopeful #childabusesurvivor #Catholic #Selfdiscovery #HealingProcess

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How do I heal from years of trauma?

Hello all, my name is Emma and I am twenty eight years old. I have been through a plethora of experiences in my life but biggest of all I suffered years of childhood physical and emotional abuse which continued on in my adult years. I also survived an almost none year domestic violence relationship. I deal with severe abandonment, neglect, insecurities and trust issues stemming from these things as well as my biological father playing no role in my life since I was four years old. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, suicidal ideation, PTSD and fibromyalgia. I have never yet found a medication that really helps me the way I need it to. I do support cannabis use, it is one thing that has helped me. I have gone through the therapy experience once and was let down honestly. My therapist would cancel on me frequently which was hard for someone struggling like myself, I also felt it was more of a vent session than actual therapy and guidance and growth. I intend of getting help now, but I need help on where to start, what to do and how I can actually process all of this trauma and pain so that I can live a happy and healthy life, not only for myself but for my kids. Any and all advice is welcomed and appreciated, thank you all in advance and I am happy to be starting this experience and knowing I'm going to have support the whole way. It is honestly what I need as my support in my everyday is very limited. #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #Anxiety #PTSD #Fibromyaliga #Trauma #Healing #DomesticViolence #Survivor #warrior #childabusesurvivor #guidanceneeded