chooselife

A little progress is still progress. It gets said all the time but focus on the positives, the small victories and each day will seem a little brighter.
Depression to me is an inability to feel at all, an inability to focus, an inability to see life, an inability to do, I just sit and stare at nothing while I feel dead inside. On the other hand there can also be times when it is hyperactive and the overthinking causes my anxiety to spiral, triggering my depression surrounding my lack of control in my mind.
I know people care about me, I often just don't care about myself enough to 'see' that or certainly feel it. Just like ripples of grace do good and affect people around me in a positive way, my mental health stuggle can have ripples of pain and uncertainty, fear, stress.
I am almost 3 years removed from almost not getting the noose off my neck and life is better, more manageable today, thanks to the doctors, friends, family that have taken the time and love to pour into me since I opened up about my #MentalHealth challenges.
Today, even in the midst of my struggles, heloing others helps me.
Please reach out, do not be embarrassed or ashamed, I am here for all, without prejudice or judgment.

#peoplehelpingpeople #gethealthy #stayhealthy #journey #MentalIllness #wellness #Depression #Anxiety #chronicpain #chronicillness #trauma #ocd #newday #purpose #restoration #makeroomforthenew #offwiththeoldonwiththenew

I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself about "everything I’ve been through"...it’s time to stand up and take responsibility for my health, security and physical and mental health. I’ve learned over the years that "playing the victim" because one has an illness that nobody understands is not going to help me. I’ve instead learned to stand...even when it’s difficult and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry...but I’ve learned to stand nonetheless. I’m such a beautiful human being, with so many wonderful moments and memories to celebrate - I’ve decided not to dwell on the pain anymore. My bipolar disorder contributes to my creativity and excellence in my work and academics. My BPD may however wreak havoc on some relationships, but I’m learning how to sustain healthy relationships look like, and hopefully I’ll get there one day... I’ve learned to choose life everyday...and I hope you do too. #Bipolar disorder #BPD #Hope #chooselife

I was discharged from the hospital 2 weeks ago, after staying there 10 days for attempted suicide. I randomly heard this song. After many times of listening, I've just realized the lyrics are exactly what I just went through. My husband was really there for me. He is the only person in this world that makes me feel truly loved, aside from our 2 children. I didn't understand what I meant to the 3 of them until I came back home. I've lost many relationships I've had to let go yet this has made me realize to hold on like hell to the love in my life I've been blessed with. I am depressed, suicidal, and traumatized from severe abuse but I will remember that is not all I am. I am strong, a fighter, a loving person, a believer in God, a wife to an amazing husband, a mother to two angelic children... I am much more than my illness. To be ill is not my choice, to be alive will now stay my choice.

Lyrics

Loving and fighting

Accusing, uniting

I can't imagine a world with you gone

The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of

I'd be so lost if you left me alone

You locked yourself in the bathroom

Lying on the floor when I break through

I pull you in to feel your heartbeat

Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me"

Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right

I swear to love you all my life

Hold on, I still need you

A long endless highway, you're silent beside me

Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from

Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'

Hiding in the shock and the chill in my bones

They took you away on a table

I pace back and forth as you lay still

I pull you in to feel your heartbeat

Can you hear me screaming, "please don't leave me"

Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right

I swear to love you all my life

Hold on, I still need you

I don't wanna let go

I know I'm not that strong

I just wanna hear you

Saying baby, let's go home

Let's go home

Yeah, I just wanna take you home

Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you

#Suicide #Depression #CPTSD #Love #chooselife

its been a really rough couple of weeks and I tend to fixate on my plan of escape. What I’ve realized over the years is suicidal ideation is a symptom for me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. For me, there is power in knowing that I certainly could, but I can choose to do other things also.
#CheckInWithMe

My name is Amanda. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about a year ago. But shortly after I was diagnosed with stage 4 non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The past year has I have been in survival mode. Now that I’m in remission you think I’d be happy but the grief and loss is so profound! My borderline personality is rearing it’s ugly head. I have my parents but because of this disorder I have pushed every single person that cared away. Now I’m facing fixing myself and realizing the damage I’ve let this disorder cause in my life. I’m a 38 year old woman with no children and no partner. But you know what I realize. There is hope. I have a Councellor. I can change my life. I can grieve my cancer loses and change how my emotions take over my actions. Using DBT and a lot of work I will overcome these obstacles. Because I deserve happiness. I deserve to live the life I dream of. ##Cancer #Borderline #Survivor #chooselife