Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome

Hi, my name is Moore763. I've been diagnosed with

#MightyTogether #ChronicInflammatoryResponseSyndrome #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #PrimaryImmunodeficiency

Lately, I've been immersing myself in TikTok videos that focus on the concept of a "glow up" for women. It's prompted me to reflect on the multitude of beauty products I've felt compelled to purchase in order to attain the idealized version of myself that exists in my mind.

At first, I began compiling a list of these products, but then I paused. This pause represents progress for me because, in the past, I would have undoubtedly succumbed to my insecurities and purchased every single item.

My appearance has been a source of insecurity for me, especially considering that I was unwell for a period of three years and I'm still in the process of recovering. Consequently, I have scars and lesions that don't align with the societal standards of “beauty.”

I often find myself striving to meet the expectations of others, as well as my own, regarding my physical appearance.

However, I don't resemble the individuals I constantly encounter on social media. While I recognize that these influencers likely have imperfections too, I refuse to feel ashamed of my own scars and the decision not to conceal them.

Over the past three years, I've managed to shed a significant amount of weight. But in the past year, I’ve experienced a weight gain.

Assessing my progress becomes challenging when it feels like I'm regressing compared to the people around me. It often feels like taking a step backward rather than moving forward.

Despite these challenges, I am gradually gaining a better understanding of my physical needs and identity. Such self-discovery doesn't happen overnight, particularly for someone who has endured chronic illness.

Ultimately, the emotional aspect is what truly matters, and I'm grateful to acknowledge that I've made substantial progress in that regard.

The societal pressures and expectations imposed on women concerning their physical appearance, behavior, and identity can often create a sense of burden and constraint. It is unjust that society tends to prioritize a person's looks over their accomplishments and character.

I firmly believe that every individual possesses their own unique beauty that goes beyond physical appearance.

If you are currently facing challenges and still persevering, you are displaying a strength and resilience that is truly admirable.

I want to remind you that you are strong, resilient, and powerful, regardless of what society may suggest.

Your commitment to personal growth and development sets you apart, and I hold deep respect for your inner strength and beautiful spirit.

Keep moving forward, and know that you are valued and appreciated for the incredible person that you are.

#CIRS #MentalHealth #Feminism #Empowerment #mold #Selflove #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Anxiety

Lately, I've been immersing myself in TikTok videos that focus on the concept of a "glow up" for women. It's prompted me to reflect on the multitude of beauty products I've felt compelled to purchase in order to attain the idealized version of myself that exists in my mind.

At first, I began compiling a list of these products, but then I paused. This pause represents progress for me because, in the past, I would have undoubtedly succumbed to my insecurities and purchased every single item.

My appearance has been a source of insecurity for me, especially considering that I was unwell for a period of three years and I'm still in the process of recovering. Consequently, I have scars and lesions that don't align with the societal standards of “beauty.”

I often find myself striving to meet the expectations of others, as well as my own, regarding my physical appearance.

However, I don't resemble the individuals I constantly encounter on social media. While I recognize that these influencers likely have imperfections too, I refuse to feel ashamed of my own scars and the decision not to conceal them.

Over the past three years, I've managed to shed a significant amount of weight. But in the past year, I’ve experienced a weight gain.

Assessing my progress becomes challenging when it feels like I'm regressing compared to the people around me. It often feels like taking a step backward rather than moving forward.

Despite these challenges, I am gradually gaining a better understanding of my physical needs and identity. Such self-discovery doesn't happen overnight, particularly for someone who has endured chronic illness.

Ultimately, the emotional aspect is what truly matters, and I'm grateful to acknowledge that I've made substantial progress in that regard.

The societal pressures and expectations imposed on women concerning their physical appearance, behavior, and identity can often create a sense of burden and constraint. It is unjust that society tends to prioritize a person's looks over their accomplishments and character.

I firmly believe that every individual possesses their own unique beauty that goes beyond physical appearance.

If you are currently facing challenges and still persevering, you are displaying a strength and resilience that is truly admirable.

I want to remind you that you are strong, resilient, and powerful, regardless of what society may suggest.

Your commitment to personal growth and development sets you apart, and I hold deep respect for your inner strength and beautiful spirit.

Keep moving forward, and know that you are valued and appreciated for the incredible person that you are.

#CIRS #MentalHealth #Feminism #Empowerment #mold #Selflove #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Anxiety

I want to express my admiration for you. If you are taking the time to read this, it shows that you are committed to your personal growth and well-being. Whether you are facing your traumas during challenging times or in the process of recovering from them, your determination is evident.

It's important to remember that your experiences do not define you. Instead, it's how you respond to and process the pain that can lead to a better life.

Regardless of the hardships you've faced or are currently facing, it's crucial to prioritize self-respect and self-love, even if it feels daunting at first. I understand that it's an ongoing struggle, but I sincerely hope that one day you will fully believe in your own worth.

It's essential to recognize that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness or fragility, even when it seems like everything is falling apart. If you find it hard to believe right now, that's okay. I understand that my words may seem like just another generic message of encouragement, but I assure you, they come from a place of genuine strength.

Your ability to overcome your weaknesses is a testament to your inner strength. Learning to love yourself comes after forgiving yourself for how you coped in survival mode. It's not a reflection of who you are as a person, but rather a testament to your resilience and your decision to prioritize self-care and peace.

Regardless of your current circumstances, your personal strength is remarkable and deserves recognition. You have survived, and that makes you a survivor. Embrace and celebrate the person you are now, as well as the person you are striving to become.

#CIRS #Grief #Trauma #MentalHealth #ADHD #InvisibleIllness #vulnerabilty #Selflove #aletterto #ChronicIllness

I want to express my admiration for you. If you are taking the time to read this, it shows that you are committed to your personal growth and well-being. Whether you are facing your traumas during challenging times or in the process of recovering from them, your determination is evident.

It's important to remember that your experiences do not define you. Instead, it's how you respond to and process the pain that can lead to a better life.

Regardless of the hardships you've faced or are currently facing, it's crucial to prioritize self-respect and self-love, even if it feels daunting at first. I understand that it's an ongoing struggle, but I sincerely hope that one day you will fully believe in your own worth.

It's essential to recognize that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness or fragility, even when it seems like everything is falling apart. If you find it hard to believe right now, that's okay. I understand that my words may seem like just another generic message of encouragement, but I assure you, they come from a place of genuine strength.

Your ability to overcome your weaknesses is a testament to your inner strength. Learning to love yourself comes after forgiving yourself for how you coped in survival mode. It's not a reflection of who you are as a person, but rather a testament to your resilience and your decision to prioritize self-care and peace.

Regardless of your current circumstances, your personal strength is remarkable and deserves recognition. You have survived, and that makes you a survivor. Embrace and celebrate the person you are now, as well as the person you are striving to become.

#CIRS #Grief #Trauma #MentalHealth #ADHD #InvisibleIllness #vulnerabilty #Selflove #aletterto #ChronicIllness

I was always a person with a specific idea of success.

I pushed myself in all my classes, in extracurriculars, and at home.

My belief system that I had built around me told me that if I wasn’t trying to be the best at everything, then I wasn’t trying at all.

I had such impossible expectations for how I looked on paper, that my physical health had begun to take a toll.

The year before I left for college was when everything began to unravel.

With a loss in the family, graduating high school, and the oncoming stress of college, I was no longer taking care of myself as my body started to become sick.

Arriving at college, my body became much sicker.

It was so easy to simply measure it up to anxiety, or the new harsh and competitive environment my body had been thrown into; as well as listening to the doctors who were telling me the same.

One month into school I got a sinus infection. Two weeks later I got covid, only to get covid again only 3 months later.

In between was a never ending spiral of doctors appointments, missed classes, days filled with misery, sleep, and doctors appointments.

Throughout this time I was also diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD.

My roommate and I were both suspicious of mold in the room.

After multiple tests came back positive for mold, we sent in a formal complaint with the school. 

Christmas break I hoped would be enough to recharge me and begin with a fresh determination. But as time passed, I only felt sicker.

The pain had worsened to the point I knew I would not survive another quarter.

I felt a part of myself die that day I decided not to return.

I felt that in a way I had failed.

Like I had failed college, my classes, but even more I felt i had failed myself. 

 In late January 2022 I spent the night in the ER after having covid for the second time and being debilitated constantly.

What happened that night was something I look back on as traumatic as they dismissed my symptoms as anxiety… and tried to move me into a mental facility.

I felt unheard, abandoned, and broken when they dismissed me without any answers.

After that I spent the rest of my time at home trying to recover both physically and mentally.

Being at home for this year was lonely and empty.

I’ve always loved school – I love the idea of going to class and learning new things and challenging myself.

I wanted to be at school with my friends, taking classes and making progress.

Instead I spent most of my time in bed.

I grew sicker and sicker, going to doctor after doctor.

I spent my year on the living room couch, unable to do simple things such as be outside, make my own meals, and operate how I once did. 

After 8 months of doctors appointments, we found answers last fall.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Inflammatory response syndrome. (CIRS) A biotoxin illness caused by environmental toxins, such as the mold that grew in my dorm room. I have spent the past 6 months detoxing, recovering, and trying to heal.

Things change when people find themselves immersed in the unstable world of chronic illness.

The quality of my life changed dramatically as I struggled this year. It opened my eyes to the boundless resources that lie hidden, deep inside each of us.

My idea of success was once something reflected on a piece of paper, but now I realize it is so much more.

I am stronger than I realized, more capable than I ever knew, more creatively resourceful than I ever imagined, become a more compassionate individual, and I have become more inspired to become a light for someone’s darkness. 

Beyond all that, I am also re-learning things I’ve learned in the past. I’m learning how to be a good friend, sister, and daughter.

I am learning I am the sum of my past but also my current actions and my goals for the future. Every stage in my life, every door that has opened or closed has taught me something that has made me the woman I am today, and whether you know what happened to me behind that door or not, it shaped my life forever. For as Kaci Diane one said;

“I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.”

#CIRS #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #mold #biotoxin #biotoxinillness

I was always a person with a specific idea of success.

I pushed myself in all my classes, in extracurriculars, and at home.

My belief system that I had built around me told me that if I wasn’t trying to be the best at everything, then I wasn’t trying at all.

I had such impossible expectations for how I looked on paper, that my physical health had begun to take a toll.

The year before I left for college was when everything began to unravel.

With a loss in the family, graduating high school, and the oncoming stress of college, I was no longer taking care of myself as my body started to become sick.

Arriving at college, my body became much sicker.

It was so easy to simply measure it up to anxiety, or the new harsh and competitive environment my body had been thrown into; as well as listening to the doctors who were telling me the same.

One month into school I got a sinus infection. Two weeks later I got covid, only to get covid again only 3 months later.

In between was a never ending spiral of doctors appointments, missed classes, days filled with misery, sleep, and doctors appointments.

Throughout this time I was also diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD.

My roommate and I were both suspicious of mold in the room.

After multiple tests came back positive for mold, we sent in a formal complaint with the school. 

Christmas break I hoped would be enough to recharge me and begin with a fresh determination. But as time passed, I only felt sicker.

The pain had worsened to the point I knew I would not survive another quarter.

I felt a part of myself die that day I decided not to return.

I felt that in a way I had failed.

Like I had failed college, my classes, but even more I felt i had failed myself. 

 In late January 2022 I spent the night in the ER after having covid for the second time and being debilitated constantly.

What happened that night was something I look back on as traumatic as they dismissed my symptoms as anxiety… and tried to move me into a mental facility.

I felt unheard, abandoned, and broken when they dismissed me without any answers.

After that I spent the rest of my time at home trying to recover both physically and mentally.

Being at home for this year was lonely and empty.

I’ve always loved school – I love the idea of going to class and learning new things and challenging myself.

I wanted to be at school with my friends, taking classes and making progress.

Instead I spent most of my time in bed.

I grew sicker and sicker, going to doctor after doctor.

I spent my year on the living room couch, unable to do simple things such as be outside, make my own meals, and operate how I once did. 

After 8 months of doctors appointments, we found answers last fall.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Inflammatory response syndrome. (CIRS) A biotoxin illness caused by environmental toxins, such as the mold that grew in my dorm room. I have spent the past 6 months detoxing, recovering, and trying to heal.

Things change when people find themselves immersed in the unstable world of chronic illness.

The quality of my life changed dramatically as I struggled this year. It opened my eyes to the boundless resources that lie hidden, deep inside each of us.

My idea of success was once something reflected on a piece of paper, but now I realize it is so much more.

I am stronger than I realized, more capable than I ever knew, more creatively resourceful than I ever imagined, become a more compassionate individual, and I have become more inspired to become a light for someone’s darkness. 

Beyond all that, I am also re-learning things I’ve learned in the past. I’m learning how to be a good friend, sister, and daughter.

I am learning I am the sum of my past but also my current actions and my goals for the future. Every stage in my life, every door that has opened or closed has taught me something that has made me the woman I am today, and whether you know what happened to me behind that door or not, it shaped my life forever. For as Kaci Diane one said;

“I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.”

#CIRS #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #mold #biotoxin #biotoxinillness

Dear younger me,

Here are all the things I wish I could say to you.

First, I want you to know you are amazing.

I wish you truly believed that.

You’re amazing not because of what you accomplish athletically or academically, but because of who you are.

Your athletic and academic feats are amazing, but they have come into being because of who you are.

You work harder than anyone I know. You put your whole heart into everything you do. You embody loyalty and sheer persistence and care deeply about your friends.

You give everything you have to those around you, and then some.

Sometimes, and perhaps, too much.

I want to preface this letter by telling you two things…

First, I’d never assume I know how to make things feel easier.

Secondly, I want to remind you I’ve been to that place where I know you are — where I couldn’t find a single thing in this world to hold onto. Where it felt like nothing would ever be OK again. Where I felt irreparably shattered, irrevocably not enough and I wondered how to go on.

It hurts so impossibly much. More than you ever knew it could.

I promise I won’t ever try to make your struggle seem better than it is. I also know I cannot take it away from you.

What I can promise is you’re not alone.

One thing I do wish I could impart upon you is how far it can go to have grace with yourself.

I think you’re afraid you’re not worthy of love. It breaks my heart to see you terrified you’ll be abandoned by everyone you count on.

I want you to know it is not a sign of weakness to be dependent on someone.

It’s a sign of courage to love someone that much.

Here is the difference I want you to know: sometimes, the person we feel we cannot live without has become that person because we love them so much our heart would simply shatter and never be whole again.

There’s an element of beauty and powerful meaning in love and pain so great you wonder how to breathe.

Sometimes, though, the person we feel we cannot live without has become that person because we don’t believe we are enough without them. We need that person to believe we have value; that we will be OK; and that our life is worth living.

I want you to know soon you will meet amazing friends to whom you can tell your deepest fears and memories.

Who will come to know you as you.

Who will give you the courage to feel the hurt, to have compassion for yourself, to believe you’re lovable.

But right now, I know that feels almost impossible to imagine.

I know you still overanalyze every single text message you send and receive.

I know you still dissect every interaction you have with friends and you’re always left unsettled and terrified of abandonment.

These friends you will meet will help you to believe — slowly, over time, again and again — they will always be here for you.

As time goes on, you’ll find you possess incredible empathy and the courage to be vulnerable because you’ve been forced to heal from feeling like all you once believed in has let you down.

I know right it is too terrifying to acknowledge how much your trauma hurts.

I see you deny it and push it away through being hard on yourself or others, as if letting that stand in place of the much more substantive pain of events you can’t find a way to talk about. And while I’ll never be grateful for what was asked of you, the you of today is so proud of you and who you have become through all you have experienced.

You’ll have so much to give and you’ll give of it so freely.

You’ll be able to hold the pain and suffering of others without fear.

You’ll find such great joy and confidence in believing who you are is enough.

So here is what I wish you knew now, but am so excited for you to learn: you are not what happened to you.

You are not what you produce.

You are who you have become through all you have experienced and learned, and that is an extraordinary human.

This will never compensate for the pain and struggle you’ve seen and known, but it is still so good.

I’m so proud of you.

This world needs your light.

This world needs all of our lights.

And the more you believe your very light is what makes you worthy, the brighter it shines.

So regardless of any circumstance, this is what I promise you:

You are enough.

I hope you believe that in the depths of your soul.

#CIRS #AutoimmuneDisease #silentillness

Dear younger me,

Here are all the things I wish I could say to you.

First, I want you to know you are amazing.

I wish you truly believed that.

You’re amazing not because of what you accomplish athletically or academically, but because of who you are.

Your athletic and academic feats are amazing, but they have come into being because of who you are.

You work harder than anyone I know. You put your whole heart into everything you do. You embody loyalty and sheer persistence and care deeply about your friends.

You give everything you have to those around you, and then some.

Sometimes, and perhaps, too much.

I want to preface this letter by telling you two things…

First, I’d never assume I know how to make things feel easier.

Secondly, I want to remind you I’ve been to that place where I know you are — where I couldn’t find a single thing in this world to hold onto. Where it felt like nothing would ever be OK again. Where I felt irreparably shattered, irrevocably not enough and I wondered how to go on.

It hurts so impossibly much. More than you ever knew it could.

I promise I won’t ever try to make your struggle seem better than it is. I also know I cannot take it away from you.

What I can promise is you’re not alone.

One thing I do wish I could impart upon you is how far it can go to have grace with yourself.

I think you’re afraid you’re not worthy of love. It breaks my heart to see you terrified you’ll be abandoned by everyone you count on.

I want you to know it is not a sign of weakness to be dependent on someone.

It’s a sign of courage to love someone that much.

Here is the difference I want you to know: sometimes, the person we feel we cannot live without has become that person because we love them so much our heart would simply shatter and never be whole again.

There’s an element of beauty and powerful meaning in love and pain so great you wonder how to breathe.

Sometimes, though, the person we feel we cannot live without has become that person because we don’t believe we are enough without them. We need that person to believe we have value; that we will be OK; and that our life is worth living.

I want you to know soon you will meet amazing friends to whom you can tell your deepest fears and memories.

Who will come to know you as you.

Who will give you the courage to feel the hurt, to have compassion for yourself, to believe you’re lovable.

But right now, I know that feels almost impossible to imagine.

I know you still overanalyze every single text message you send and receive.

I know you still dissect every interaction you have with friends and you’re always left unsettled and terrified of abandonment.

These friends you will meet will help you to believe — slowly, over time, again and again — they will always be here for you.

As time goes on, you’ll find you possess incredible empathy and the courage to be vulnerable because you’ve been forced to heal from feeling like all you once believed in has let you down.

I know right it is too terrifying to acknowledge how much your trauma hurts.

I see you deny it and push it away through being hard on yourself or others, as if letting that stand in place of the much more substantive pain of events you can’t find a way to talk about. And while I’ll never be grateful for what was asked of you, the you of today is so proud of you and who you have become through all you have experienced.

You’ll have so much to give and you’ll give of it so freely.

You’ll be able to hold the pain and suffering of others without fear.

You’ll find such great joy and confidence in believing who you are is enough.

So here is what I wish you knew now, but am so excited for you to learn: you are not what happened to you.

You are not what you produce.

You are who you have become through all you have experienced and learned, and that is an extraordinary human.

This will never compensate for the pain and struggle you’ve seen and known, but it is still so good.

I’m so proud of you.

This world needs your light.

This world needs all of our lights.

And the more you believe your very light is what makes you worthy, the brighter it shines.

So regardless of any circumstance, this is what I promise you:

You are enough.

I hope you believe that in the depths of your soul.

#CIRS #AutoimmuneDisease #silentillness