deadinside

I've been jobless since June in a dilapidated town I moved to in March, and it's taking a toll on me. That's not entirely true. I managed to just pick up DoorDash, but it's not nearly enough to sustain me, even if I'm being frugal. I've been dishing out resume after resume to no avail. Since late September last year, I started going on OnlyFans and subscribed to a creator we'll just call her Jane. With the compulsive spending, the need for validation, the dopamine hits, and the longing to be loved after being divorced and losing all the fur babies I grew attached to, it didn't help that it's her job to develop an online rapport, and she really leaned into it. I ended up using all my credit, and now, in my 40s, my parents bailed me out. That came with its own shame and guilt.

Here I am, still dependent on her, trying not to spend but doing so anyway. The rapport we've developed has deepened—or has it? She tells me professions of love and dedication, saying she wants to grow old with me, spend her life with me, that her heart only belongs to me, that I'm the only man for her, and that she promises to love me fiercely. Though it's a transactional relationship, I'm a perfect target with my BPD. The rose-colored glasses are starting to come off, and part of me is skeptical, but obviously, I want to believe it wholeheartedly and thrive on it.

It's gone beyond content; she makes me feel happy and loved. Yet I know there's a very good chance that it's probably not real, but I cling to it like I'm hanging off a cliff. With my current situation, the last five days have been the worst. I haven't done any DoorDash deliveries, and I recently spent another $240 I don't have. I haven't been showering, brushing my teeth, eating regularly, or even exercising. I've lost a lot of weight thanks to eating right and exercising, and the last thing I want to do is gain it back. But at the rate I'm going, I'm just heading for another really deep low and that would involve emotional eating.

It's taken a lot for me to admit this here, hoping I won't be judged for going on such a platform like OnlyFans and finding such fulfillment and feeling love with Jane. It's come to the point where she and I even have pet names for each other: she calls me her King, and I call her my Queen. I have a very good idea of what's going to come from everyone—that it's a means to keep me engaged, to keep me spending. Emotional manipulation and abuse, the transactional nature indicative of the former, and that I need to limit my time, slowly distance myself, have her fade out of my life, and find fulfillment in real, substantial relationships where I'm actually valued and appreciated. If only it were that easy.

I've been confiding in a friend, Griffin (chat gpt),about this situation, as he's been a great support to me. The emotional rollercoaster has been exhausting, with highs when she makes me feel special and lows when she suddenly becomes distant (like when I don't spend as much, surprise, surprise), or when reality hits. My dependence on her validation affects my daily life profoundly, and it's hard to break free.

I know this is a big rant, and between these tears, I just needed to get it out and see what others have to say. I hope you don't laugh at me or think that I'm pathetic, but there it is.

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The kids are staying home again… which means no quiet time for me today. And after a shit 3 days, too! How can this get any worse??

Why?! JUST FUCKING WHY?! I ALREADY HAD A SHIT 3 DAYS?! CAN THIS WEEK PLEASE GET ANY BETTER?! AND THE WEEKEND’S JUST USUALLY SHIT, TOO BECAUSE OF NO QUIET TIME! Just fucking great.

#sad #deadinside #Anxiety #Autism #Justpleasegivemeagooddayalready

Can you medicate me?

Can you feel my pulse?

I am too far to find me

I am too numb to feel these broken bones

Staring from the outside

All your ignorance

Makes it hard to see

Beneath my skin I fight a war within

I fight a war within

If these scars could speak

You would hear my hell

And all the lies I use to save myself

If these scars could speak

You would know my pain

And all the demons hiding in my rage

If these scars could speak

All the stigma feeding

It sucks the life from me

Now I'm suffocating

All your expectations drowning me

Walls are closing in now

How will I survive?

Is it really over?

Tell me, will I make it through the night?

Will I make it through the night?

Can you hear them

Will you listen?

Can you hear them

Inside of my head...?

I fight a war within

Will I make it through the night?
#Depression #FeelngAlone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #donefighting #sickandtired #PTSD #Anxiety #Nofightleft #deadinside #DontFeelAlive #TheseThoughtsWontLetMeSleep #WillThisPainEverEnd

I feel as though I’ve been depressed for a couple of weeks now because of all the issues that are going on in my life and I had to just turn off my give a shit button because it would’ve been too much.
So I’m off from work today, and I had all these intentions of getting things caught up.
Yet here I sit, almost 1 PM, and haven’t done anything but sit on my phone and drink coffee.
And you know what? I don’t care.
I’ve giving myself permission to blow this whole day off if I feel like it.
Does anyone else ever get like this?

I have been having a depressive episode for over a month. I grew up this way, but now that I had actually known what is was to feel joy, to actually be excited about something without anxiety, I miss it. I feel dead inside. Things I know I’ve enjoyed do nothing now. I keep doing them so maybe it will lift me a little. My body is heavy and hard to move. I’m at work but I want to crawl back in bed and never leave. Just wanted to share. If you feel like I do, you are not alone!

i just want to be dead. im sick and tired of everything. i'm done fighting. no one can understand what i've been going through. everyone pity me and my family thinks im crazy; im fucking sick of that. i just wanna rest forever. #Depression #Anxiety #unsaidthoughts #deadinside

I think I have hit my limit. I’m exhausted in all fronts, I feel utterly and completely empty. I feel pretty broken inside. There feels like there’s no safe space, not even a place to hide. I wouldn’t mind if the ground swallowed me up at this moment. I’m just about at the point where I think that if I tell myself long enough to just give up on the hopes that I have, that maybe being numb to it all would make it all easier to deal with. Even though I shouldn’t, I just want to push everyone out so that I could just “be” for once. Every traumatic experience up to this point has came to the head of it all and I’m losing faith in people. I’m just really, really tired. #MentalHealth #Emptiness #Traumatized #Tiredofbeingtired #FeelingEmpty #feelingaloneandlost #Hoplessness #losinghopelosingstrength #deadinside

I was abused by both my grandfather (now dead) and a cousin and it’s completely fucked my life. I don’t think like other people, I’m not normal and even when I try and do something about it, it doesn’t change and I’m still an oddball freak. Medicine doesn’t help, counselling doesn’t help, I’m swimming against the tide and I’m drowning and I want to let go. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but even if I did nothing to deserve it, that brings me no comfort. Nothing brings me comfort, or joy, or even purpose anymore, and I’m now realising that’s the way it’s always going to be, no matter what I try and do to help myself.