I was doing very well for a while, and then one morning, the first thought that I had was, “I really don’t want to do this”. I do experience depressive episodes, sometimes I have intense periods of loneliness, other times I feel this gapping hole in my chest. Even though I feel this way from time to time, I still push myself to go about my daily activities. Some days are harder because I’m one question away from being in tears. Today, I decided to open up to my mom how I’ve been feeling. (We were out in public at the time, and I started crying out in the open.) She gave me some suggestions: to take up a hobby with other people, to get out of the house, stuff like that. And after all of that... I felt no better than I did before I opened up. I felt that I had to do it because I felt that’s what I’m “supposed to do”. I live in an environment where I have to get it out there even if it’s too hard to express. Unfortunately, after thinking things over, I only felt ashamed and frustrated. I was never good at expressing myself verbally to begin with, so getting my grievances out in the open only made me feel worse than better. I will say that in a number of situations when I felt this way, I would write it all down in my notebook or use Google Docs on my tablet whenever there was something on my mind that was bothering me. That, I will say, does help. And even though I’m suffering from a headache from crying all morning, I do feel better at this moment as I’m typing all of this out. My go-to thing was writing whenever I felt depressed, and I have no idea why I stopped. I do need to start painting again as well. I do realize that I need to take better care of myself physically, emotionally, and otherwise. Speaking of which, I need to eat something and go to bed. #Depression #DepressiveEpisodes #Emptiness #Expressfeelings #Writing #creativity