fibroflare

It’s 6am ish where I live and been taking meds for pain and insomnia but nothing is working. I’m in agony. I’m really exhausted but my back muscles wouldn’t stop aching and spasming. Anyone out there? Idk what else to do. This happens all too often and i feel defeated. #Painsomnia #Insomnia #fibroflare #BrainFog #ChronicFatigue #Pain #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis

Hi I’m Caroline and in the UK. I’m not exactly new here, I’ve been hanging around for months, reading a few posts and stuff. I’m currently having an 18 month long flare up which is making it really hard to function. About 12 years ago this wouldn’t have been a major problem but these days I work full time as a teacher. I’m the only one in my family who’s been well enough to work and what with covid and stuff and we have a lot of debt so I’m struggling along trying to do my best at work, while home descends into a filthy, cluttered hole.
I’m lucky that I have friends who understand how I feel, but I’ll be honest, before this current flare it has been over 15 years since I’d had one and I can’t get used to the permanent exhaustion. It’s really getting me down 😢 #fibroflare #SpoonieProblems #Working

Summer break is over and I'm back to work. Since I've started back, I've noticed that my fibro symptoms and flares have been worse on Thursdays than any other days.
My guess is because we have 4 day school weeks here (off on Mondays) and I push myself too hard on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I usually end up miserable on Thursday nights and don't do much and rely on my trusty heating pad. Fridays I usually feel better.
Do you have certain days of the week that are worse for you? #Fibromyalgia #fibrowarrior #fibroflare

Today I had a really bad flare (fibro)...it was so bad I could barely get out of bed. It was also the first day of school. I wasn't able to help my son get ready, or get up and take any photos of his first day of 4th grade. I laid in bed, curled up in pain, and listened as my husband helped him get ready, silently thanking him that he was able to be there for our son, and cursing myself that I was not. As I scrolled through social media (to distract myself from the pain) and saw all of the other mom's posts of their smiling children documenting their first days...I felt like an absolute failure. Sometimes I feel like I need to document every moment of his life, and if I don't, I'm a crappy Mom.

But you know what? I was able to give him a hug (even though it hurt), and wish him a fantastic first day. I did what I could, but I still felt like it wasn't nearly enough. I just feel like we have so much pressure to show the world we are perfect...and I need to get over it. I am NOT a perfect Mom. Most of the time, I wish I could be. I admittedly try to be. But I'm trying to be a little easier on myself these days; a little nicer to myself.

I just wanted to give a shout out to all of the parents out there that are struggling right now. It's okay that you're not perfect. Your kids don't want (or need) a "perfect" parent....they want and need YOU. Flaws and all. ❤ #fibroflare #notperfect #youareenough #Moms

My kids took this picture of me on day four of this last flare. Days 1-3 are me not showering, staying in PJs, and staying in bed or on the couch as much except to go to the bathroom. No appetite. 🤢😣

Day 4 I take a shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, and even put on eye makeup and jewelry. I keep my appointments. It takes willpower to transition. I wear only the softest clothes.

In this picture I am proud of myself and happy to be home with my pets. Barry gets so relaxed when I hold and pet him and starts to purr. That makes me happy. 🥰

I want to remember this picture of day four. This is the building up my strength day. It is me pacing myself, picking myself up by my bootstraps again because my kids need me. Next time I flare, I want to remember day four is coming and I can get through the darkness of 1-3 days in hell. 😑

Day five is today...I went on a small walk with my rollator and saw beautiful flowers, heard an excited red squirrel, felt rain on my skin and smelled the earth. I mopped the floor. I like the smell of Murphy's oil on the wood floors. I am careful and still end up straining. The rest of the day I will make myself rest because the mopping wiped me out and the humidity raises my pain levels. I won't go to the events I was invited to attend. I know if I do, I will start the flare up again.

It's hard to say no. However a no to others is a yes to myself.🙂

Tomorrow brings the weekly preparations, the laundry, and the grocery shopping. I will attempt it with modifications. I will ask for help. 🐢

I notice with my flares there are 3-4days that lead up to day one, where I can see the signs and try to prevent it. I feel pretty bad but I am not flared yet. I carry on the best I can. 🤔

Then there are 3 days of intense misery. 😖😵‍💫

Then 3-4days of recovery where I'm still very tired and weak but I make the effort to rebuild. I might have a few days off or even a week before the next one starts brewing. There is a lot I have to catch up on from the days I was unable. 😶‍🌫️

Day 4 though, is my favorite. It is the turning point. There is light again. Another victory!⭐

My next step is to build a kit for flare days, when I'm too exhausted, foggy, and in pain to help myself. Maybe I need a list or mantras, or music, or permission to reschedule. What are your ideas that work for you?

Every time I begin to start typing out hashtags for diagnoses I stop. I have too many to keep up with yet I haven’t even talked about most of them. All I know is all of the letters confused me. I have cptafbendadhocdocdocd 😄

Today I’m in a #fibroflare after an intense week of breakdowns and breakthroughs. I’m in the process of healing my inner child and reparenting myself. All while trying to understand this new diagnosis of #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #CPTSD #severeanxiety and some strange neurological thing happening. Brain scan clear. And many more hashtags to come.

I had therapy and PT today. I also made myself go outside today and go for a solo Vespa ride. We just got one so I could learn how to drive one. When/If we ever go back to Italy or Thailand. I’ve been terrified my entire life. My husband who I’ve been with for 20 years, is helping me learn new things.

He doesn’t speak my medical language or emotional language either. So I literally have only a few people I can talk to. And even then, I don’t tell them everything because it’s SOOOOO much. I’m getting no where with therapist because I don’t feel like she’s on the same page as me. I mean I don’t know what page I’m in even.

I’m attempting to be a writer. I mean, I am a writer. I just keep everything to myself. Because of my #ADD OR #ADHD I have no idea which one. I can’t comprehend things at times. So because of inability to keep focus, I have multiple stories started. Then I fizzle out. Anyhoo, 41, I love music and dancing when I can. I try to steeech daily. But when I’m in the thick of a flare, I can’t even move. It’s all I can do to get myself into the shower or to lay on the floor because that helps more than anything.

Everything just feels heavy. Trying to figure out who I am and why I tick the way I do. It’s exhausting and I just don’t want to do this anymore. Not that I want to quit all together. I just feel that I need a break. But how can I tell my brain to just stop for a week. Let me go on a sabbatical or something. I don’t know why I’m ruminating on everything and can’t just be free of thought. The curse of a writer who can’t stop thinking long enough to write? Sounds about right.

Maybe I should start a group for writers who just need a place to vent their thoughts out so that we can release the block? Or maybe there already is one.

I know this is apart of the process. Learning what I’m grieving. Learning how to love myself and give myself some compassion. To be gentle. To be kind. But I’m throwing a HUGE BUT out there. But I don’t want to have to do that. I just would really love to wake up and not think about thinking. To not think about pain. To not think about healing and to be healed. I’m tired and exhausted of the pain and of the healing. I don’t even know what I’m saying r why I am. It’s just the automatic writing that happens. I’m not going to edit this so if there’s a ton of typos, so be it! I think most can figure it out. Thanks for reading