Memories and Sadness
My Mom passed away 21 years ago. Today, I had the courage to sell her silverware that she’d given to me before she died. She gave it to me after we’d had an argument. I know she was suffering through pancreatic cancer. She’d become unhinged at the time and actually said she didn’t “trust me.” I was visiting once a week, driving 350 miles (one way) to see her, spending time with her and my Dad, and just trying to show her I cared. I think it was her illness talking, and her pushing me away because she knew she was going..
Anyway, I never wanted her silverware. I can’t stand to eat with silverware as it has a metallic taste to me. My Mom never knew that about me. She gave it to me because of the engraved M’s on it for her first name and mine as she named me after her. In 21 years I think I used the flatware once.
So, I’m also sad because I’m thinking about my own daughter who has metastatic Stage 4 cancer. I’m thinking about the amount of disrespect and disregard she has for me and her Dad, about how she’s basically thrown us away as her parents, as her friends..
I feel that we mean nothing to her, and so sleep won’t come easily for me. I just hope I don’t have #Nightmares because mentally I’m a mess right now…
#depressed #Insomnia #PTSD #sad #Regression I thought I was getting over being #ghosted by my own child, but F’ it still hurts, especially when I think of how I treated my parents, and about how she treats us!
I just don’t understand how I could Love someone so much, only to have them disregard me completely..