I am so tired of being chronically ill. My ears hurt right now because I need to cry but I can't. I am isolated enough already and the holidays are coming...which for me means even more isolation due to the state of my health right now. My husband will go to holiday events and see his family. He may take the kids to see them. I will stay home and miss out and be hypervigilant that my family will show up and try to harm me. I will panic and try not to worry that all of us will get sick from exposure to germs from all the people visiting.
But what's more is the topic of my social world....or more the lack of it.
Right now what is on my mind is the nature of my social world. I get so tired of always being the one reaching out. Always being the one to give and check in with people, but rarely being the one checked on or reached out to. It truly sucks. All of my life I have been the "outcast" the "loner" and the one who doesn't have friends. It's absolutely exhausting to be this isolated and this alone when all you want is someone to just be there.
I haven't spent quality time with a healthy good friend in over 2 years. The last time I had some sort of social interaction it was when I had a couple times where random mom's whom I am not close to have offered to come stop by with their kids for playdates so my kids could be with friends. The hard part of these get togethers is that I don't actually consider these people to be good friends. While I could work to get to know them....what happened is that I discovered quickly that they aren't trustworthy healthy people I can be myself with. We ended up just "staring" at each other and making awkward small talk.
I just want a good friend to spend time with....just once. I don't want someone to tell me to count my blessings; flood me with toxic positivity; or tell me I should be glad to have x,y, or z....I am well aware of what I do have and am so glad for what I have....it's what I don't that is draining on my mental health. Humans are social beings. We are meant for community. And I need some. It's just not safe right now, and I am lacking emotionally and mentally healthy community members.
Can't wait for the holidays to be over. I will enjoy the snuggles with my kids and try to ignore the pressure of all of the gatherings and hope these emotional stirrings end soon.