Itsoktonotbeok

Of course, I can't now find the post, but it said "its ok to be ok". It hit so many check marks for me. I was unwanted..and somehow compounded that error by being born a useless worthless female instead of the expected son and heir. My mom was basically a non participant in my life, doing bare minimum. My dad was Jekyll or Hyde..for 20 years then I married to escape and ended up in a loveless abusive relationship with a narcissistic sociopath bully, 36 years when he hit me the second time. I tried counseling but before the divorce no one talked about ptsd or cptsd in non veterans. After the divorce, I ran out of money before I could start really healing. So in all my life its never been okay to be okay. I don't know what that will look like, and I am tired of being overlooked, disrespected and disregarded. People have always ( and I do mean always) treated me like a halfwitted dumb blonde..and while I have had moments of not knowing the right thing to do, I am not a stereotype. I am the perfect guardian as I can size up a potential threat in zero seconds. But acting like my best self? I don't know. #Itsoktonotbeok , but I really want #itsoktobeok .

This past year I’ve struggled a lot emotionally , in a previous post I think I alluded to some of these feelings of lashing out and feeling resentful. I loved being there for others and helping out when I could but it was also taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. I was burned out but I didn’t know how to stop it was almost like I needed to feel needed and somehow lost myself along the way. It cost me too , I made friends quickly but lost them just as fast. Recently I had a falling out with a friend and it was ugly , this though had more to do with her than me but it basically ended in her accusing me of extreme paranoia, passive, manipulative , possibly schizophrenic etc. that’s fair considering she put up with me complaining nonstop about life...
But is it really though ? Considering that she was just as equally guilty in complaining nonstop to me as well when it was convient to do so and what’s more she didn’t even have to decency to tell me all those things herself but rather had someone else text them to me. So no , I take it back its not fair and she’s a shit but that’s besides the point.
I was blindsided and hurt and in the wake of everything that has happened with Covid-19 felt vulnerable and those feelings of resentment and anger only amplified . For a while I thought, “oh my god! Maybe she’s right !” Is this how others see me? I realized for me to even consider what she said to even to be true was ludicrous . Nothing is wrong with me and it took for her to end our friendship for me to realize and I need to to step back and re-evaluate and take care of myself so I can continue to show up for others. Now more than ever with this pandemic we need to be kind to one another and more importantly ourselves . #CheckInWithMe#Selfcare#Loveyourselffirst #EverythingsGoingToBeOkay #Bekind #Bekinder#LoveOneAnother #Itsoktonotbeok