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Taking time alone….

I am about to sit down and make my apartment the perfect hotel space for me to repair and bask in this goodness of a home that I have.

I need to realize that right where I am is what I asked God for. I’m so thankful and I want to write about it and enjoy the company of myself and my dog…. 😌 Today hasn’t been easy but I’m listening to my inner needs, (the positive ones), and not allowing #Depression to win this time. My negative invasive thoughts have been crazy lately. #Madness #Anxiety #BipolarDepression

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Stronger #stable #risingabove #thephoenix #Healthy #Madness

I’ve struggled is a statement we have all used or heard someone use at some time. I didn’t know I was struggling until my kids were in elementary school. Sounds funny but it’s because I was so quick at learning ways to cover up and mask my emotions even at young age. I had an imaginary friend with me starting at age 4 for protection. She made my world were struggling was not a thing. When I was 14 I spent 18 months in a youth drug and alcohol treatment facility. Honesty was not my policy. I graduated from high school. I had my first daughter at 19, second at 23. I was using drugs and alcohol by this time to lesson the struggle. I didn’t identify the struggle. I truly thought this was the world and how things were. I didn’t identify with sadness or joy. I just was getting high or drunk making sure the girls and the house were running, but they weren’t. I had no clue what was happening with me or the world. When I was 28. I met people who had something that I didn’t have. I noticed joy and happiness. I became profoundly aware that my behavior and emotions did not match those of others. I became concerned and others expressed their concerns. I turned to my medical providers who diagnosed me with bipolar. I was horrified. I remember the first time leaving the pharmacy with the bag of medication. I was entering my 30’s with a mental illness, for sure a death sentence. For years I battled myself, not excepting the diagnosis. I was noncompliant with medication, suicidal, hospitalized, and went through ECT treatments for years. I went through therapists and therapies. I disliked all that they said and wanted me to do. I disliked myself. However, during this time I was able to graduate college, sum cum laude, maintain a teaching job, keep a marriage, raise my girls, and be a part in several capacities of an international motorcycle club. What changed me to end the struggle? I read this quote “ Strength is what we gain is the madness we survive.” and I turned 50, I realized I no longer wanted to be waking up not equipped to deal with what I would wake up to. I needed to have an adequate tool box and build on it, practice using those tools to face what bipolar will through at me. So, I did. I also, created a positive foundation of safe friends and family and to this day I still build on it. Continuing to do maintenance so it is strong in the face of storms. I developed a medication routine that assures I take the right medication at the right time. I see my doctor, always as prescribed. I keep a journal that if I write anything I write 3 things I’m thankful for. All of this and so much more I keep and analyze for its effectiveness.l strong and far more stable then I ever have. Even if an episode creeps up I’m prepared because I’ve practiced for the moment. I might not be successful at shortening or ending the episodes but I am able to call for help, adjust medications, practice self care and many other things. I’ve got strength!!!


I'm Finally Free

It's been 20 years
With these tears
That you've caused
I've been choking
On the promises
That you'l never do it again

It's been 20 years
Since I've had this paralyzed fear
Of letting you go
I'm not mad
I'm not sad
But I am glad
That I'm finally free #Sadness #Madness

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Cycling and it won’t stop

I have been struggling so much the last few months. The people inside me have been fighting and telling me to do harm to myself. A couple of days ago I lost dory. She’s the one who is my voice and she tries to manage everyone else. Ended up in the hospital this week, but I know what to say so my certificate was lifted and I was out of there in 7 hours. I literally have no idea how to stop this.

Suggestions welcomed.

#Madness #afraid #CPTSD #DID #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Voices #badenergy

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I hate when these memories hit me out of nowhere

Today I woke with the idea that I would accomplish many things- then as the day went on, the memories of those beautiful days, then the horror of the ones that followed. When my heart was crushed before my face, when I was blamed for my own betrayal, when I still got down on my knees before you and begged you not to destroy yourself and everything we held dear ... I am so tired, my heart so heavy, my shame so great that my love for who you were, what we had, overpowers my dignity and still makes my cry out with sheer pain of heart for you- how I long for who you once were, the love we shared that made so many beautiful memories, brought so much happiness to us and those around us. A love that rivaled the power of the sun, but that you threw away in a moment of pure madness! For someone not fit to lick the dirt from beneath your shoe- even as you are now, the shell of the amazing man you once were! Will you ever return to me? Will you ever be the inspiration that you once were to so many? Or will you continue to sink deeper into the mire, trading your respectability, and my dignity, for this wretched thing? This monstrous cruelty that you somehow confused for love? How can there be love in the destruction of the very thing that makes you lovable? Please! I am drowning in a sea of memories.... in a sea of pain so deep I fear it will consume me! #CheckInWithMe #Loss #Grief #Madness #Broken

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Drug addiction. AKA, my white, icy cold, Devil

I have lost everything in my life to drugs. It has destroyed my very existence! I lost my 4 children, my wife, my house, my family, my friends, my mum, my job, my savings and my pride because of the cold devil.... so please can someone tell me why I can’t stay sober??? Why can’t I stop? Why do I need it? Why is it my best friend, now my only companion? Rock bottom keeps kicking me in the vagina, really effing hard! But I keep running back to the devil, why? #Drugs #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #Narcotics #bad Habbits #selfdestruction #SaveMeFromMe #Madness #selfshame


#Irritability #Madness #anger #Depression #Anxiety

I’m not sure if it’s just me...since I was a little kid, I’ve been struggling with really bad irritability. It could be a sound of a mouse clicking or someone eating something too loud or someone just speaking, I fill with rage. Does anyone struggle with this? Or has struggled with this in the past? I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I feel like there’s something more.