makeitstop

#Depression #makeitstop #anger #Pain #Mourning #suicidalnotsuicidal #struggling

I've had depression almost as far back as I can remember. Wasn't diagnosed until after a parents suicide in my early 20s. I'm 45 now and have been struggling a lot the past year or so. honestly I really tired of being negative all time. I fell like I am bringing everyone else down with me. I've been having trouble controlling my anger too, something I'm not even sure where its coming from, sometimes its an obvious event, other times its just not being able to focus to send an email. I feel like everything is a struggle just to function 'normal' (event though there is no normal). I have never been one to shy away from telling others that I have depression and have always been an advocate to bring more awareness.

However this past year is taking its toll. Had to say goodbye to my dog/bestfriend/companion of 12 years years in June and I miss him more than anything. The fall/winter has always been the most most difficult time for me (there are about 8 friends/family members that have died in December alone (including my fathers suicide a week after his birthday); thanksgiving was the last time I saw/talked with him about 2 weeks prior to his death.

I'm scared of what the next couple of months will bring, who I will hurt, what property I may break. I do not have a positive outlook and can't see a future anymore. It's not really my pain I want to end, it's the pain i am causing to those around me that i need to stop

Everyone says to talk to someone, I feel like I have talked to so many therapists, counselors, friends , family , doctors and I still keep struggling. True some days are better/worse than others. I don't like to be around anyone anymore because I am that bump on a log around everyone, I am the one that never really has anything nice to say. I am the one lashes out in an argument and burns bridges. I am the one that causes a scene. I feel as I am the problem since I am the common denominator. I've lost so many friends, family member don't include me anymore. No one called for my birthday or my dogs passing besides my best-friend from high school and my boss (not my mother, sister, or cousins, or "friends").

I cant focus anymore enough to get anything accomplished. I feel like I'm dragging everyone and everything down with me. I am a sinking ship. I've never really been suicidal before but think it's inevitable at this point. I'm just tired of hurting people, so tired of this. I know if/when I die it will hurt those I love, but I cant see how my death would be worse than me continually hurting them the rest of my life. At least I wouldn't make things worse than they would be if I were around. So far I've been too chicken, but started thinking about a lot more.

How do you get this never-ending rollercoaster to stop?

it won't stop. I'm living life, I'm working, I'm shopping, I'm at church.. I'm staring you directly in the face having a conversation with you.... But behind my eyes is a different story. It's all the trauma. It is the never ending hell that is my life. It's the intrusive thoughts. It's the guilt shame and remorse. It is a nightmare. And, it will NOT stop. my doc said this is PTSD and this is a different type that I'm experiencing. I'm not ok and I don't know what to do to make myself ok.
#Anxiety #PTSD #help #makeitstop #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Flashbacks

I just recently found out that I am bipolar I also have epilepsy and PTSD I just don’t understand the bipolar thing I am super sweet and the nicest person in the whole world one minute and then I’m talking shit to my best friend in the whole world or my husband or one of my kids and then later I’m crying because I was so mean to them and then I say I’m sorry and I love you how do I Stop that mean devil person from coming out I can’t stand it and it just all of a sudden comes on I think people are out to get me or use me or whatever. I guess that’s part of the bipolar I just want to know how to stop it from happening #twopersonalities #thebipolardevil #makeitstop #Tiredofbeingtired

How do you function when the person you love most in the world is addicted to porn and sex? The thought of it makes me so sad and unworthy feeling, I already felt like this because I have Extreme anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression… Self-worth has never been one of my things, and now I literally feel like I’m nothing all of the time… #addicted #nothing #makeitstop #help #Sex #Hope

#ChronicPain is so horrible and insidious! It takes away from your entire life. Everything you want to do is #onconstantstandby because you don't know if you're going to be able to move, or see or breathe that day.
My children are getting a little older, but they are still babies, 8,6,4. They've told me that I never play with them and they're right, because I'm usually too sick or too tired to even wash the dishes let alone roll around and play with them. It's so rare for me to feel good enough to do anything , yet I force myself, guilt myself and berate myself to get up and do What I can. In doing so, I make my anxiety and depression a little worse because using more healthy methods don't seem to work. #makeitstop

I've been readight Mighty stories for a while now, but this is my first post. I obviously have BPD but I also suffer from Fibromyalgia & scoliosis, lots of ligament and joint problems, ADHD, and PTSD. I'm currently in a toxic relationship with the man of my dreams, but he's currently fallen off the bandwagon which is what leads to the toxicity. My bf doesn't quite understand BPD, although he has read up some stuff it's just hard to comprehend for ppl who don't have it.. But anyway, my ptsd is formed around #FearOfAbandonment and abusive past relationships (ex bfs + ex husband) and any yelling will give me a panic attack..

I cry. A lot. I have good reason too. I'm ultra sensitive both emotionally and physically (fibro) so there are a lot of situations that feel tremendously worse than they would feel to others, like my bf for example. After 3.5 years together, he is now pulling away again and it's causing me paranoia which leads to frantic efforts to keep my bf which, as many of us know, pushes him away even more. Anyway, he gets triggered when I cry. It makes any fight we have nearly impossible to be done in wise mind since he ends up getting more aggressive and annoyed because I'm crying because I'm in pain and it feels like my world is crashing down on me. I get a strange ball of energy/fire/pain in my chest that is so so so uncomfortable that I need to punch a pillow or scream a bunch to get it out.. It makes me cry harder and not be able to stop.. And then the yelling bf makes me cry harder..

Idk.. I guess I'm seeking advice on ways to cope with the intense distress cuz distractions aren't helping and Epsom+lavender bath didn't do anything. I'm laying here shaking and full of confusion and hurt. Any advice is welcome.

I’m sorry that you don’t understand my situation, but that’s exactly why it is MY situation. I’m sorry you don’t know what to say, even when I haven’t asked for advice. I’m sorry it doesn’t make sense to you, because it doesn’t make sense to me either. I’m sorry I don’t have the words or time or energy to be who everyone expects me to be. I’m sorry I am angry and sad and can only focus on my health. I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be, that I’m not who I use to be. I’m sorry, but not really. This is my problem. I don’t need you to understand, but don’t stick around expecting me to change either. We did not choose this life, because if we had the choice, I think most of us would choose a different path. #Undiagnosed #chronic #Pain #alone #IfYouFeelHopeless #alone #help #makeitstop #done

With my diseases and signs of mu bi polar coming back after 12 years without any episodes. Watching a video of my 18 month old grand daughter have her first real egg hunt they live in Belgium and we are in south africa breaks my heart. With my daughter at home telling me I am not a mother cause being in so much pain so I am limited to what I have been able to so do the past 5years. I just want to give up. My marriage is in trouble For the same reason. I dont know what to do. I am not happy I just want to run away and live by myself so I cant let anybody down. I want the old me back. She comes out sometimes but its fleeting and confusing for everyone
#chronic#ChronicPain #makeitstop