Notgivingup

I applied for college last week, for counselling skills level 2. They’ve reserved me a space & I find out next Thursday if I get a place. I’m so excited but at the same time, so worried!
What if I can’t get out of bed? What if I’m so busy trying to remember things, that nothing actually sinks in? I have so many what ifs!! Who would want to be counselled by me?!!
I’m trying to take one day at a time & try to enjoy each moment as it comes but my mind monkeys seem to be taking over! #Notgivingup

Hi, Mighty 👋 Until recently (and since last summer) I had for at least the 20th time become
suicidal (ideation, nonstop obsessive & intrusive thoughts about planning & doing it), intensely agoraphobic, 24/7 agitated & anxious, experiencing sustained anhedonia....utter hell in other words, that blossomed from a nervous breakdown last June. Only bc of recent Ketamine infusions am I able to do things again, and honestly I feel at most 30% better than before - but I’ll take it!! So I
was initially diagnosed w adhd as a child (before it became fashionable to recklessly diagnose/throw pills at any child who displayed behavioral/distractibility/emotional issues) and the adhd has made life that much harder.
By the middle of my sophomore year in high school I started to feel anxious all the time, hyper-self conscious, & I started to withdraw from my friends & all social events - I still saw friends periodically but it was difficult & I’d often have sudden crying fits I couldn’t explain or control. At this time the pain was very real yet I didn’t fully understand it. I would tell myself “as I get older this shit will just go away” in an attempt to deal/comfort myself which of course was the precise opposite of what my life would become. It took me 9 (!!) years to get through college because I couldn’t focus, would often withdraw from classes halfway through the the semester (my anxiety was so potent I often would leave class or have such bad panic attacks on the way to class that I’d turn my car around, and run away from responsibility - my mantra became “I’m a total worthless piece of shit” “I’m a total waste of space” “I’m non-functioning garbage” etc. etc. and I felt out of control. I’ve been told over the yrs that I’m “atypical bipolar”, have comorbid MDD//OCD/GAD/SAD/, BPD, but what makes the most sense to me is “agitated and treatment-resistant depression” along w several anxiety disorders. I’ve tried over 68 meds over the last couple decades, including every mood stabilizer, every ssri/snri, every antipsychotic (for augmentation) tricyclics, atypical antidepressants (such as remeron) and of course benzos which sadly I’ve been relying on for over 2
decades - if I don’t take at least 2 mg klonopin at night I won’t sleep AT ALL 😞 I’m just as anxious and agitated at 4 am as I am at 4 pm, my mind will not relent, & it’s hard to rationalize living even though I’m doing “a bit” better - as many of you know the psychological imprisonment is constant. Pathetically, I try to be “proud” of myself when I get out of bed, and even more so if I can go out and take a walk or deal w seeing a friend a couple times a year. If it wasn’t for loving parents who I don’t deserve & a beautiful daughter who deserves much better that I see occasionally (visitation) I would have “gone through” with the worst by now. Alas, the guilt’s always too great. So I “keep going”....every day, wondering what the point is. I’m hoping someday I’ll find out 😥🤔 -Kind regards to all!

Does anyone gets or has gotten something that asks to be taken care of just so you would have something to help you fight with depression, anxiety and /or other problems like that?
Atleast I did. My 22nd birthday was coming up and I just was in darkness for quite a while. So I don't know why, I just went to the petshop and started looking at betta fishes. I saw some that looked strong. But then more in the back I saw this blueish purpleish one who looked tired and passive. And I just knew that he's the one. Every time I'm down I just start talking with him and it helps me every time.

Cognitive distortions are also known as thinking errors, thinking distortions, irrational thoughts, distorted thoughts, and negative automatic thoughts.
Cognitive distortions are ways that you twist up your thinking to see yourself, your situation, and other people in a negative light. They’re basically your mind playing tricks on you; convincing you that you’re not as good as everyone else, people don’t like you, you’re at fault, things are hopeless, or other negative beliefs. The problem is that these cognitive distortions are very convincing.
##anixety #t #Notgivingup #BrainMalformation
Cognitive distortions are:

automatic and happen without you realizing it
negative
exaggerated
convincing
not accurate reflections of reality
something everyone does, but are much more prevalent in people suffering from anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems
all serve to validate your pessimistic outlook (things are hopeless, you’re worthless or less than)

#ChronicPain #PainManagement #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome