sahm

I am a survivor of #Suicide . I live with the guilt every. damn. day. So why tell my story now? I want to feel liberated. I want to #EndTheStigma . And I want people to know why and how and when. So that maybe they can see the signs or the #triggers for someone they love who might be struggling.

This is me. This is my story. And this is me at my most vulnerable.

First, an introduction. I’m a 36-year-old, former PR pro turned #sahm and housewife. I struggle with #Depression and extreme #Anxiety . I’m #neurodivergent , you’ll quickly come to realize just how #ADHD I really am, and I’ve recently been diagnosed with #borderlinepersonality disorder.

So that's me. Definitely not a princess and I don't wear a cape. I'm still hopeful for a happily ever after, though.

And now, some context.

It's important to understand that I've felt unlovable all of my life. Growing up in a traumatic home and seeing more hate than love had its toll on me. And being emotionally abused and neglected as a child and having it continued through my adulthood continually makes me feel unworthy of love. Despite my efforts to be the best daughter I can possibly be, I get constant reminders of my selfishness. My unhelpfulness. My failures. It's just facts. I'm in therapy, don't worry.

It wasn't until I met my husband at 19 years old that I experienced unconditional love from someone other than my brother, my grandparents (RIP), and my pets. To this day, I still don't believe it or understand it. I'm hard to love and I don't grasp how someone can love all of me - with everything that comes with me. Skeletons and all. I still don't love myself. I'm in therapy, don't worry ;-)

Ok, now for the story.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, suicide, self-harm, self-hate.

It was the morning of Monday, November 18, 2019. I had suffered a weeklong streak of migraines and hadn't left our bed in almost as long. I was depressed, and I was well off meds because I couldn't keep food or water down. I was exhausted and hopeless. At the time, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, #Insomnia , and ADHD. I was in a complete state of psychosis. I had no idea and neither did my husband.

In the most loving way possible, my husband was over my sickness and depression. He'd been single parenting our 4-year-old for over a week, and he needed his wife back. We fought. About what, I can't remember. It doesn't matter but whatever it was sent me into a downward spiral I couldn't climb out of.

This is where everything gets foggy, or completely dark. My mind has blocked most if not all of the rest.

Like a zombie (or so I'm told), I got out of bed, threw on some scrubby clothes, got my son dressed and fed, and walked him over to the neighbor's house for childcare that day. I don't remember any of that part, at all. My hubby said my face was blank and my eyes were vacant.

In my brain, the wheels were already turning. This was a feeling I was intimately familiar with. My comfort blanket. How many different ways could I imagine dying this time? If only I could just disappear and not come back. It would be so easy. So simple. No one would miss me. I'm a burden to so many. They're basically living without me already.

After dropping my son off at daycare, I returned to bed. Hubby had more words with me before leaving for work. After he was gone, I googled, "How much Xanax does it take to kill yourself?" and "Can you die from too many muscle relaxers?"

Five minutes later, I swallowed my entire prescription: 30 tablets of 2mg #Xanax .

As a topper, I also poured 15 muscle relaxers down my throat, left over from my car accident in early April. Or was it from my wisdom tooth removal? So many procedures and pain meds and illicit prescriptions to choose from. I then ditched the bottles to make it harder for the EMTs to identify what I'd taken. I'd planned this meticulously in my mind for years.

I sat forward and said my goodbyes to the dogs. The longest goodbye and cries for Duke, of course. Kisses for Cooper; he couldn't understand what was happening, but Duke was completely aware. Duke jumped on the bed and put his head in my lap. I cried as I said my goodbyes out loud to my son (as if he could hear me from afar), reassuring him that his life would be full of joy and accomplishments without the burden of his overweight, depressed, mess of a mom. I'd be there in spirit, I said. Watching him succeed and rooting him on, always. I cried and wished that my husband would find new love and hope. That all his dreams and wishes would come true. That life would be good for him because he is an amazing man that deserves the world.

I drifted off.

When I awoke two days later I was hooked up to machines from my neck and both wrists. My husband was right by my side and my brother came into view.

I remember thinking, "Fuck, how the FUCK am I still here?!"

So here's what I'm told.

After hubby left for work, he ran a few errands close to home. Before getting on the freeway, however, he got a *weird feeling* in his gut and decided to backtrack home to check on me before heading into Seattle for work. Thank god he did. He saved my life and he will forever be my hero.

When my husband arrived home, he called out for me. Nothing.

He found me upstairs, unconscious and blue in the face. I was halfway fallen off the bed.

He called 911 and immediately started CPR at the operator's direction.

It was six long minutes before paramedics arrived.

They couldn't identify what I'd taken and were unsure if Narcan should be used for overdose.

My heart had stopped. I wasn't breathing.

It took nearly 8 minutes for them to get a heartbeat.

With a faint heartbeat, I was quickly transferred to the ambulance and rushed to NW Hospital in North Seattle. After life-saving measures were taken, I'm told that doctors placed me in an induced coma to allow my organs to heal and regain strength after shutting down. I was on a ventilator to support my lungs, and another machine to pump my heart. Once the doctors took me out of the coma, they slowly removed me from the heart machine as I grew stronger. The ventilator came next. I finally awoke.

What's happened next? You'll have to follow my next posts to read more.

#MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #SuicidePrevention #depressionsucks

#Divorce Is something I never thought I'd have to even think about. But now after being with someone for 10 years and married for 4 years I told him less than a week ago I wanted a divorce. This whole pandemic crona virus has screwed up so many of the plans I had. With me asking him for a divorce during this stupid time I can't get a job because our 5.5. Year old is doing his 1st year of #Kindergarten On a chromebook from home. My step son is doing his 1st Year of high school on a chromebook. Meaning I'm still a #sahm without the ability to get a job because of me still being a #sahm . I asked for a divorce because I have been hearing more and more negative things which is really hindering my #Depression my #Anxiety ,my #mental #MentalHealth , my #mood and everything in between. I've tried for the past 2 years to show and explain to him that what he is doing and the way he is going about it is wrong and making it worse. I know that I am and haven't been the best wife , mother,friend whatever lately as well. Its not alL just him. I've been a #sahm for the last 5.0.0.5 years and it's taken its Toll on me. I've lost All the friends I had, IIf you can even call them that since they left my life so easily. I am always home unless I have to go to the drs or the store, and up until recently the kids always came with me so I was always around them. Up until last weekend I had never gotten actual alone time. (I was able to stay the night at my moms to watch her dog and my kids nor my husband was with me. I finally got a break from everyone.) But getting that took almost 6 years of being overwhelmed constantly. He has always worked and always has been able to just have his time to himself without anyone. Which I have told him many times before isnt fair and its always shrugged off. Up until this last year he was a hardhardcore drinker with liquor. During our years together he's beaten me while drunk, abused me while drunk and what not. The kids have heard and seen the abuse their dad has done to me and I feel for them because of that. I have been #SOBER for 4 years now because I as well was a pretty bad drunk. How do you figure out your next move when you have no income and there's a Wait to get help from the state? I have told him that I want to get help from the state and his response was " you tell them nothing because they will take child support from me!" Like why is that response even ok? Like don't you want to know that I have something to take care of the kids with? This has been very stressful for me and I am a trainwreck with emotions

Life is so hum drum and boring. I stay in the house most days. when I do leave out it’s suuuuuuuch a hassle with the children. my husband is amazing and super supportive but doesn’t really understand. I feel like we only have about 10-20 minutes to talk daily between dinner and bed when he gets home from work and our weekends are always booked. I can’t get anything done no matter how hard I try. My “village” is spotty. this sucks #sahm #threechildren #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MarriageWithDepression

I hate hearing ‘you’re such a good mom’. Fuck if they only heard how often I lose my mind and cuss and stomp and hit walls. Always followed by unbearable amounts of guilt and the thoughts that my twin toddlers would be so much better off without me. But I can’t do anything about it because I don’t know how long it would be before somebody came by to take care of them. I wish I wasn’t so good about hiding how awful I am. Maybe somebody would take them away and they could have what they deserve.