self-injury

Called the crisis line again today 😞 have not self-harmed or anything. Just panicked. Playing a video game and listening to music right now to try and stay calm. I kinda wanna self-harm still just stating distracted. Staying safe though.
Doctor's office called today and said the imaging place will be calling soon to schedule the mammogram and I'm freaked out about that. More tests results came back normal so they still don't know what's wrong with the other stuff.
Have counseling tomorrow and I hate explaining I'm suicidal. It scares me to, I don't want inpatient. I'm trying to keep myself focused on the good and things that help. Just unsure how to bring things up to my counselor tomorrow...
#ChronicDepression #PTSD #Selfharm #Selfinjury #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #Arthritis

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I have c-PTSD from many forms of ongoing trauma throughout my life. If you’d like more details, message me, but I don’t believe getting into those at this point is helpful. I am willing to talk about any of it if it will help others, however this is about my moving forward and discovering how to move from surviving to truly living and enjoying life.

I have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I started starving myself when I was 11, but was not diagnosed until I moved out of house and was in college. My first diagnosis of anorexia was when I was 19. I relapsed at 25, and was diagnosed with it again. And this last time at 34. Since the weight criteria has been removed from the DSM-5, anorexia will remain my diagnosis, rather than it changing as I regain a healthy weight. I spent December of 2020 in a residential treatment center for eating disorders, but what has helped the most is working through my trauma, as it’s the underlying reason for my eating disorder.

I am diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do not mind answering questions about this, because I know it is widely misunderstood, even by professionals, and I am hoping to help educate on this. It took me a long time to get here. It was first brought to my attention that I might have it 14 years ago. I rejected that entirely. I first started to accept it maybe 2 years ago. I hid it. I told no one. Only my therapist knew for about a year. At the trauma treatment center, I was encouraged to open up about it. I was massively hesitant. I hid in my room a lot so no one would see. By the time I left, my alters had made friends. I was loved and accepted, and so were they. My alters never got to speak to anyone without pretending to be me before this. This experience was so healing.

I am, however, still apprehensive about sharing this at home. Only my mother and my children know about it.

I hide it as much as I can. I am completely open about all of my other mental illnesses, but this one is hard. I’m worried people will think I’m faking, especially with the tik tok trend right now. I’m worried because of all of the negative connotations & myths DID has. And I’m worried I will be looked at differently. I know in order to be the mental health advocate I want to be, I need to open up about this. I know my opening up will help others understand. I will get there in my own time, though.

I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, which is characterized in my charts as “severe”. I struggle with suicidal ideation and self-injury. When it’s at its worst, I struggle to get out of bed and function. I struggle to eat or sleep (or I sleep too much). I’ve been hospitalized for suicide attempts, as well as the SI and SH.

#MentalIllness #MentalHealth #Selfinjury #Selfharm #Depression #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #Trauma

This past Saturday, I engaged in s-i, after years without it. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had done it.

I suspect the trigger was the anniversary of my dog’s death. I resisted as hard as I could, but in the end, my emotional & mental anguish were simply too much. What I did was very, very, very minor. . .but then I did it again this morning. Still minor, but the repetition isn’t a good sign.

I told my best friend, & emailed my therapist, not because I was in danger - I’m not at all - but because I’m afraid of the slippery slope. Frankly, I’m very vain, & don’t want anymore scars. I also don’t want to be asked about marks by anyone. I hate the shame that comes with that, especially when I have to lie.

Speaking of shame, it’s there, but I’m not feeling all that much, likely because what I did is so minor. More than shame, I just feel exhausted. I can’t see the end of this recovery journey. It just drags on & on & on, ad infinitum.

I had an exceptionally good week from 2/11-2/18. I mean *exceptionally* good. & then I absolutely crashed for the next 3 days. Again, the crash was likely connected to my dog’s death, but that doesn’t make it feel any better, even though today is ever-so-slightly less miserable. I actually managed to leave my home for an entire hour. Yay, me.

Is this what the rest of my life will be like? I string together a few good days, only to fall flat on my face again? How am I supposed to sustain anything - career, relationships, spiritual connection - when I have such wildly varying ups & downs?

I am not actively suicidal, but I am questioning if my life in particular is worth living. I hate rollercoasters, & that’s exactly how this feels. updownupdownupdownupdown...until all I want is to GTF off.
#Selfinjury #Selfharm #CPTSD #DID #Depression #Anxiety #Shame