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Grow Up?!?!?! 😤😠😡🤬

If one more person says that I’m too old for this, or that I should be over it by now, or “that’s still going on?” I’m going to completely lose it.
Way too many people think self injury is a teenage problem and that it’s just for attention and that you’re gonna get “bored” and grow out of it. And when they see me, at 39 years old, still struggling, in fact a lot worse than when I was in high school, they think that it’s my fault. They assume that I just haven’t tried hard enough or done the right things or that I’m just being immature cause “adults don’t do that kind of thing”. It makes me furious, because I know that it’s not me who has failed (well, I mean, I have, but that’s besides the point), it’s the stupid, broken system that has failed me.
I am fully aware that no one can save me from myself, that I need to accept responsibility for my actions, etc. But this is an actual addiction. No one looks at alcoholics or people with drug addictions and says “really? You’re way too old to be addicted to that!” or “grow up already! Aren’t you tired of that yet?” They pick them up and clean them off and take them to rehab where they’ll spend a month or 2 and come out the other end good as new. What I wouldn’t give to be able to check in some place and have someone take care of me long enough to be able to call myself recovered. That kind of place doesn’t exist, or if it does, I’m probably too old to go there. Not like I could afford it anyway. Rehab, of any kind, really is just for the rich and famous.

Sorry that this is such a big, long rant…. I was due for a good venting session.
But seriously? How many of you agree with me? Or, can I just ask- if you’re comfortable with it, could you put your age in the comments? And how long you’ve been self harming for?

#Selfharm #Selfinjury #Ageism #Unfairjudgement #pleasehelpme #misunderstood

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Doing a little better today

Called the crisis line again today 😞 have not self-harmed or anything. Just panicked. Playing a video game and listening to music right now to try and stay calm. I kinda wanna self-harm still just stating distracted. Staying safe though.
Doctor's office called today and said the imaging place will be calling soon to schedule the mammogram and I'm freaked out about that. More tests results came back normal so they still don't know what's wrong with the other stuff.
Have counseling tomorrow and I hate explaining I'm suicidal. It scares me to, I don't want inpatient. I'm trying to keep myself focused on the good and things that help. Just unsure how to bring things up to my counselor tomorrow...
#ChronicDepression #PTSD #Selfharm #Selfinjury #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #Arthritis


Staying Clean!!!

I am currently 1 year 10 months and 15 days free of self harm! Urges have been strong lately but I'm stronger 💪🏻 #Selfharm #Recovery #Selfinjury #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #PanicDisorder


Idk what to do

CW: selfharm

So, over the last 3ish months I’ve relapsed with selfharm 5-6ish times, the last time being a week ago today. Which was also the morning of my therapy appointment for the week, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her in session so I sent her a message afterwards telling her I relapsed again. And so today was the session after that and of course she brought it up which is fine. But idk she’s normally so good at understanding where I’m coming from and making things relatable, etc. but I kinda feel like we’re speaking different dialects of the same language. It’s like she’s 100% focused on stopping any future relapses, whereas I… don’t really care at this point. Sure there’s this tiny part of me that cares and my therapist wants me to put more focus on the part that does care which I get. But just, I don’t like the way she framed everything and idk how to communicate that to her.

She really is a great therapist, and we’ve worked so well together on other things that like I know this is just a bump in the road, but like, idk what to do. Todays session didn’t go well in my mind and now all I want to do is cancel my next session and stop talking to her about my selfharm altogether. I know that’s not the right way to handle this, but the thought is really tempting right now. I hate complicated emotions and todays session has brought up a lot and I’m honestly just so done.

#Selfharm #Selfinjury #Relapse #Depression #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #Therapy #Therapist #ADHD #misunderstood #DBT #Emotions


One night at a time

Watched a movie last night that completely triggered me. Didn't realize that I was still that fragile, it's been almost a year since my last relapse. It's morning now, guess I concourd one more night. ##Se lfinjury #Selfharm #Selfinjury #SelfharmRecovery

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My diagnosis, part 1


I have c-PTSD from many forms of ongoing trauma throughout my life. If you’d like more details, message me, but I don’t believe getting into those at this point is helpful. I am willing to talk about any of it if it will help others, however this is about my moving forward and discovering how to move from surviving to truly living and enjoying life.

I have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I started starving myself when I was 11, but was not diagnosed until I moved out of house and was in college. My first diagnosis of anorexia was when I was 19. I relapsed at 25, and was diagnosed with it again. And this last time at 34. Since the weight criteria has been removed from the DSM-5, anorexia will remain my diagnosis, rather than it changing as I regain a healthy weight. I spent December of 2020 in a residential treatment center for eating disorders, but what has helped the most is working through my trauma, as it’s the underlying reason for my eating disorder.

I am diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do not mind answering questions about this, because I know it is widely misunderstood, even by professionals, and I am hoping to help educate on this. It took me a long time to get here. It was first brought to my attention that I might have it 14 years ago. I rejected that entirely. I first started to accept it maybe 2 years ago. I hid it. I told no one. Only my therapist knew for about a year. At the trauma treatment center, I was encouraged to open up about it. I was massively hesitant. I hid in my room a lot so no one would see. By the time I left, my alters had made friends. I was loved and accepted, and so were they. My alters never got to speak to anyone without pretending to be me before this. This experience was so healing.

I am, however, still apprehensive about sharing this at home. Only my mother and my children know about it.

I hide it as much as I can. I am completely open about all of my other mental illnesses, but this one is hard. I’m worried people will think I’m faking, especially with the tik tok trend right now. I’m worried because of all of the negative connotations & myths DID has. And I’m worried I will be looked at differently. I know in order to be the mental health advocate I want to be, I need to open up about this. I know my opening up will help others understand. I will get there in my own time, though.

I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, which is characterized in my charts as “severe”. I struggle with suicidal ideation and self-injury. When it’s at its worst, I struggle to get out of bed and function. I struggle to eat or sleep (or I sleep too much). I’ve been hospitalized for suicide attempts, as well as the SI and SH.

#MentalIllness #MentalHealth #Selfinjury #Selfharm #Depression #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #Trauma


Out of control. Addicted.

My self harm is out of control. And no one cares. I had a call with the CMHT after a trip to A+E for suicidal thoughts and all they are doing is changing my medication. That’s it. They don’t care that I am using self harm as a daily coping skill. No one cares. Why should I stop when there’s no help out there. #Selfharm #Selfinjury #self -sabotage

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Return of S-I (zero details given) #Selfinjury #Selfharm #CPTSD #DID #Depression #Anxiety #Shame

This past Saturday, I engaged in s-i, after years without it. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had done it.

I suspect the trigger was the anniversary of my dog’s death. I resisted as hard as I could, but in the end, my emotional & mental anguish were simply too much. What I did was very, very, very minor. . .but then I did it again this morning. Still minor, but the repetition isn’t a good sign.

I told my best friend, & emailed my therapist, not because I was in danger - I’m not at all - but because I’m afraid of the slippery slope. Frankly, I’m very vain, & don’t want anymore scars. I also don’t want to be asked about marks by anyone. I hate the shame that comes with that, especially when I have to lie.

Speaking of shame, it’s there, but I’m not feeling all that much, likely because what I did is so minor. More than shame, I just feel exhausted. I can’t see the end of this recovery journey. It just drags on & on & on, ad infinitum.

I had an exceptionally good week from 2/11-2/18. I mean *exceptionally* good. & then I absolutely crashed for the next 3 days. Again, the crash was likely connected to my dog’s death, but that doesn’t make it feel any better, even though today is ever-so-slightly less miserable. I actually managed to leave my home for an entire hour. Yay, me.

Is this what the rest of my life will be like? I string together a few good days, only to fall flat on my face again? How am I supposed to sustain anything - career, relationships, spiritual connection - when I have such wildly varying ups & downs?

I am not actively suicidal, but I am questioning if my life in particular is worth living. I hate rollercoasters, & that’s exactly how this feels. updownupdownupdownupdown...until all I want is to GTF off.
#Selfinjury #Selfharm #CPTSD #DID #Depression #Anxiety #Shame


Difficult in Managing Emotions

Isit just me or why am i find it hard to manage emotions. I always feel angry first at things that happen but cant figure out what i am angry about! Sometimes felt so frustrated until feel like harming myself #Selfinjury #managingemotions