significant

Well, I think I am too intense and too on the defensive for some. When I think of my husband’s friends I tightened up. Can I really blame them? When I think of managing my life w my husband I tighten up. Can I really blame him? Or us? Or that doctor that schemed out this marriage?

Well, anyways I think I lost a potential friend. In other words I think she may think I am a little - “ nutty”. I am sorry if I offend here. But, that word to me can be be part of the everyday vernacular for. a lot of people. I think .

She asked me to join a group w her. I replied with my entire schedule. I sighted everything I do. have done and plan on doing. I went into great detail , way too much detail.
I think I made a mistake. And she is a friend of another friend who I think I may have embarrassed her, this other friend. Neither do I know through anything having to do w mental health.
Well, I think I embarrassed myself and maybe my other friend who was an x coworker. I am afraid she may be embarrassed for me and I don’t know what else to say.
She may be embarrassed that she referred her friend to me and that I sounded off on her.( her friend ) And all she( her friend) asked me was if I would like to join a group w her? Well, something else I have to let go.

As I sit w my embarrassed. I may never hear from- either of them- again . I feel
Very badly.

Can I let this old $$$$$ therapist- go- all I have been through, all I put my parents and family through/ no children / losing the love of my life-//my twenties in hospitals /they job & profession that I loved/ can I let all this go? All the loses? Can I let this go? I blame this old $$$$$ therapist.

Back when I was 25. I was a vibrant kindergarten teacher. I loved my job. There was another teacher put in my classroom. I had difficulty getting along w her. I complained to the principal. I complained to another teacher.

The principal took the other teacher out of my classroom. The teachers got very upset. I heard voices walking to my classroom the next morning. I was afraid to go to work.
I went to a diagnostic psychiatrist. He said I should go in the hospital.

At the time I knew nothing about psychiatry. I came back to work and told a teacher I had been in the hospital.

In the hospital the therapist/md/doctor changed everything about me. I had a toxic boyfriend. This md/psychiatrist/therapist help rid me of this toxic boyfriend. I then met another man who I fell madly in love w. This man asked me to marry him. The md/therapist/doctor when I told him this-this therapist said- “ I don’t think so.”

I started having a difficult time at work. I was a teacher- a teachers job doesn’t always go smoothly- the psychiatrist/md/therapist told me I should go in the hospital. I hated the hospital. I refused. Therapist said keep on going to work. Therapist dropped me immediately& gave me a new therapist, but I could not connect w her.

- I started to get very paranoid. I thought the teachers all knew my problem was my boyfriends. I started to ocd. I got confused as to the old me and the me this therapist devised. The old me I thought I wanted to be. I became very confused. I had trouble functioning.

I thought I had no support. When I told this doctor/ therapist I wanted to see my college friends- his reply was : “not yet.”

I did not marry this man. In the hospital the nurses drilled into us to trust your therapist. So, since this doctor didn’t think I should marry this man. This doctor never told me why I shouldn’t marry him. I did not marry him. I lost my job - I never understood what happens to me, so I could never make teaching work. Ever again. When I first saw this doctor I had minimal issues w my friends- college- that was never figured out- so I lost my college friends- I took a leave of absence and got very Sick - never to recover to the way I used to be.
Now I am as close to who I used to be as close as I can get. I get angry and bitter at times . So, I am not the person I was.
I do the best I can.

Life goes on. The voices I heard were because of this as well as prior behaviors I think. I would bury my feelings when I would do something upsetting up to this point.
Life goes on. I am married to a stable husband. No children. The marriage is platonic.

As time went on I experienced some delusions. This I believe was because I would bury my reactions to anything I did that was upsetting. I no longer have these.

I still have issues w my relationships today..

I do not know what would have happened if I went in the hospital that day.
I am bitter and angry for what has happe

Now that I am working on apologizing for my mistakes & taking responsibility for them ( realized how to do this one day after reuniting w old college friends. Friends that I lost at the time of my first hospitalization) I find the relationships I like the most- my old college friends and others like them- bring w them a sense of instability. Yet they are all very nice.

My husband who is a kind dear man whom I love very much - his friends who are people we spent all our free time w for the past 30 years - my husband and I parted ways w them abt 5/6 yrs ago. They upset me immeasurably especially this last time - about 5/6 years ago-. We haven’t seen them since.

One example- At my wedding a few of them made fun of me- they made fun of my drinking- they thought I drank too much. W the pressures of working full time - I just may have. - but to make fun of the bride!! right to my face at my wedding! - I could not believe this behavior - I was very very upset - and after that we still
remained friends! But, this latest -5/6!years ago incident - we parted ways.

- will it be necessary for my husband and I to maintain these friendships? W these people who upset me - for stability sake ? These people I have known for 30 years?

They have been friends w my husband since he was 17 years old. My husband turns 70 next month. I just don’t know.

Well, now I know what caused my delusions and voices when I was 25. Now @ 70 years young I look back.

Back before I heard voices and had delusions- when I did something upsetting instead of taking responsibility and addressing it- I would block it out, bury it.
The diagnostic psychiatrist I went to at the time said I should go in the hospital. I came out of the hospital a different personality then when I went in. Yes. I made decisions in the hospital. I had made decisions before in my life and it did not change my entire personality. The md/ doctor/therapist I saw knew I had no knowledge of anything psychiatric. Why did he change me? I could not have changed my personality w/o him.

I was doomed right then and there w my first hospitalization. I was changed and forever wanted the “ me” back that I once was. I also found a new boyfriend I was over my heels in love w. The doctor did not like this boyfriend if I am right on this. When I told the doctor this boyfriend asked me to marry him. This doctor said - “ I don’t think so”.
The doctor wanted me to go in the hospital again. I hated the hospital . I did not go in. And because of that doctor I did not marry that boyfriend. The losses were great. I lost my job, I lost my friends -I lost the boyfriend who was really a nice guy. I was forever altered.

Now- 50 years later- I still long for the “me”I once was. I am married and I have a stable marriage w no children -a platonic marriage . I still try to be the “ me” I once was and find resulting stability issues w the relationships I encounter.

I look now for emotional as well as physical health. I never heard voices except for that first time when I was 25.

I find taking responsibility for any upset I may have caused now only solves part of any emotional health problems. I have to concern myself w stability issues also. And for that I find the correct relationships are key.

William Saroyan
Armenian-American writer William Saroyan penned these words in his breakthrough article “The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze,” published in 1934. The quote above is part of a longer, rousing piece of advice that reads like a rallying cry to live life to its fullest: "Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste the food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive." #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #significant childhood trauma #CRPSWarrior

I got diagnosed with PTSD at a very young age and I’ve been struggling with it all my life even with therapy and medications it is always there and I wish it would just go away however that’s never going to happen. My main focus is learning how to live with it without it interfering in my daily activities. It is always a work in progress because the flashbacks come without warning and there are always new triggers that I can’t avoid. #PTSD #Livingwithptsd #Early Childhood Trauma #significant childhood trauma

Had a nightmare where I was being attacked by my brothers. Grew up in an extremely abuse house where I was severely scapegoated. #scapegoat #PTSD #severeabuse #postchildhoodabuse #significant childhood trauma