suicideattemptsurvivor

Pardon the typos as I am typing on my phone because my laptop keeps logging me into my old account for some reason.

Yesterday I lost my state funded benefits and nearly went into a mental health crisis. Today I got new insurance and learned I can keep my therapist and psychiatrist. While I am happy about that, there is still a lot I need to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeve’s is that the abusers in my life don’t seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know them not caring makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to be in control of my situation. I don’t want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictably. Predictably meant safety. If I know what’s going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few “good times” when things went okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don’t miss the abusers but I miss what could have and should have been. She’s right. Sometimes I’m crying and grieving and other times I’m fine. It’s just frustrating because I thought I made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it’s really hard. I sometimes resort to my old behaviors and thought patterns for unknown reasons. I just don’t understand how an abuser can do that. The sexual abuse was bad because it ended in a sexual assault. The emotional abuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse distorted the way I see things and myself. Sometimes I feel abnormal but my therapist said my reactions are normal. As a side question: Anyone that experienced sexual abuse struggle with being hyper sexual and have sexually abusive fantasies or am I alone in this? How do I release my desire for control and how do I gain control of my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

Update: The insurance problem has been fixed. I am able to keep my therapist and psychiatrist:)

Despite this small victory I still have a lot to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeves is that the abusers in my life don't seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know that them not caring is what makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to have a sense of control over my situation. I don't want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictability. Predictability = safety. If I know what's going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few "good times" when things were okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don't miss the abusers but what should have and could have been. She's right. I find myself really sad and grieving some days and others I'm fine. It's just frustrating because I thought I had made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is all the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it's hard. I recently learned that you don't have to be abused in a cult to experience brainwashing. I sometimes resort to my old thought and behavior patterns for whatever reason sometimes. I just don't understand how an abuser can do what they do. The #SexualAbuse was really bad because it ended in a sexual assault. But the #EmotionalAbuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse have distorted the way I see things and myself. I hate it. Sometimes I feel so abnormal though my therapist says my reactions to the trauma are normal. I want to release the desire to control others but I think I struggle with control because I never had any before. I just don't want to be like them. As a side question: Anyone else that experience sexual abuse experience hyper sexuality and have sexually abusive fantasies? I struggle with this and though I've done research on the reasons why, I still struggle. How can I release my desire to be in control and how can I gain control over my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #needhelp #venting #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

I feel like I've put in a lot of healing work to get where I am now. Then again, I feel like there are things that I don't acknowledge. The reality of #SexualAbuse and #SexualAssault are too much for me to accept at times. The #EmotionalAbuse is a little easier for me to cope with I guess because there isn't that much shame associated with it. With the sexual abuse I feel so ashamed because it was a family member that abused me in both cases. Emotional abuse is somewhat easier to deal with because I can better see how it has effected me and I can work through it.

The sexual abuse however is a different story. I also struggle with healthy communication. Whenever I am ever confronted with something difficult or something that makes me feel ashamed or guilty, I instinctively shut it down. I refuse to talk and develop a f**k you attitude. I know that it isn't healthy and it's rude to ignore people but sometimes I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just refuse to confront it.

Yes I know that shutting down is no longer serving me but I still find myself doing it. Growing up I learned to keep to myself and I guess that's why I struggle with communication. The shame of sexual abuse is so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I'm drowning. I know that the shame and guilt aren't mine to bear but I still have a lot of internal conflict. So my question is, how do I resolve this? If I know all this then why can't I just move on? Part of me feels like I may never be over it but I want to finally be happy and healthy. How do I overcome the past so I can live my life?

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAssault #Healing #needhelp #checkin #BipolarDisorder #borderlinepersonaliydisorder #MightyTogether #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

Just read this and it resonates with me. Too often people long for and sometimes even return to abusive situations. I know I longed for the abusive environment. I know how hard it is to break that trauma bond but it is possible. It is very painful but it can be done. Remember as painful as it gets, don’t go back to what hurt you. There’s nothing there for you. Your future is ahead of you. So keep going seek help if you must but always keep pushing forward. You got this. Just wanted to share this with you all.

#Abuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAbuse #Trauma #childhoodtraumasurvivor #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor #Healing

Does anyone else with #PTSD go through random bouts of crying? I spent some time earlier today shaking and crying thinking about the #SexualAbuse and #SexualAssault I went through. Afterwards, I felt a little better but very confused. Is this normal, to randomly cry? The reading I've been doing says yes but it makes me feel like I'm going backwards in my healing. Can anyone offer any advice?

I try to reflect on all that I've survived such as abuse and abandonment but that gets hard. It always triggers something. I appreciate all the help.

*Thanks to everyone that commented on may earlier post about severe depression. It warms my heart to see how people can come together and offer advice and support :)

#PTSD #Abuse #abusesurvivor #Selfharm Survivor #suicideattemptsurvivor #abandonment #checkin #help #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Cryingspells

So far this week I've been doing okay. I have a lot to be proud of myself for. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I can tell my story without getting too triggered. I can release all those pent up emotions that have been blocking my path. There are days when my anxiety acts up but I can move through it relatively easily now.

There are so many things I am grateful for. I believe it is important to show gratitude. I am here and well (mostly). I have people that love me, I have a job and somewhere to live. It is the little things.

I do my best to manage my physical and mental health. I am slowly healing from my past of abuse. I am slowly getting to where I want to be. My path continues to clear as I begin to love and accept myself and what I have survived. It is not an easy path. I still have days and sometimes weeks where the negativity seeps back in. But I continue to heal.

The more I see the positive in my life the more clear my path will become. I am not going to tell you to stay positive because I know that advice doesn't always work but I will tell you to be grateful. Sometimes all it takes is a grateful heart. May you find what you are looking for and may your path clear for you too. Stay strong and you will be okay.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #strength #MightyTogether #Asthma #checkin #abusesurvivor #Selfharm #suicideattemptsurvivor #Healing #Writing

Sometimes I make breakthroughs and other days I’m stuck. #PTSD #Abuse #abusesurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor #selfharmsurvivor

Being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

Not until recently I was able to come to grips and admit to people that I have attempted suicide three times in my life. It was something I always held closely and under lock and key. I didn’t want to be judged or looked gone upon by others. My hardest suicide attempt to come to grips with was my second suicide attempt, suicide by hanging. This suicide attempt people knew I was going through a struggle and with this attempt I had marks to show what I had done. At first, I was able to downplay the marks on my neck as marks from shaving. Gradually people started to figure it out and this is when my suicide attempt which was already hard to grasps became even harder to grasp. I remember when the first two people figured it out and there first response was, I am selfish. Then came the next response that I am manipulative and attention seeking. This suicide attempt was related to an girlfriend that cheated on me and destroyed me mentally. So, I remember a few people telling me I got what I deserved both from her cheating and my mental state. The final unique response because many echoed the responses of others, was that I was a failure and that the nurse that was my coworker would teach me how to do it properly next time.

Being a suicide attempt survivor is extremely hard because society is full of stereotypes and stigmas that degrade and devalue the struggles people go through with mental health. Instead of view a suicide attempt as an unanswered call for help, many people view it was a failure on the attempters part. Whether it be a failure to do it properly or a failure to control their mental health. Showing weakness is too often viewed as a negative thing, when in actuality it is a great strength.

Being a Suicide Attempt Survivor - Bipolar Tater

#MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Suicide #SuicidePrevention #suicideattemptsurvivor #Depression

Each day is a new opportunity to learn about yourself.

Today I learned that my Disorganized/Fearful attachment style and my people pleasing are connected. That my trauma driven behaviors are actually the result of my attachment style.

If you are curious and want to know what your style is, there are tons of quizzes online.

I suggest taking one. It changed my perspective and helped me to understand what I need to change. I need to be more trusting and more mindful in my relationships.

Slowly, I am learning what drives my behaviors and the more I know the more I can heal.

#Trauma #PTSD #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #suicideattemptsurvivor #selfharmsurvivor #Healing #learning #attachment

When I go into a depressed episode because of my #BipolarDisorder or when my #PTSD acts up I start having those thoughts. Note: I do not act on them so I am not in danger. Just wondering if I’m alone in this. #suicideattemptsurvivor