selfharmsurvivor

Pardon the typos as I am typing on my phone because my laptop keeps logging me into my old account for some reason.

Yesterday I lost my state funded benefits and nearly went into a mental health crisis. Today I got new insurance and learned I can keep my therapist and psychiatrist. While I am happy about that, there is still a lot I need to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeve’s is that the abusers in my life don’t seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know them not caring makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to be in control of my situation. I don’t want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictably. Predictably meant safety. If I know what’s going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few “good times” when things went okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don’t miss the abusers but I miss what could have and should have been. She’s right. Sometimes I’m crying and grieving and other times I’m fine. It’s just frustrating because I thought I made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it’s really hard. I sometimes resort to my old behaviors and thought patterns for unknown reasons. I just don’t understand how an abuser can do that. The sexual abuse was bad because it ended in a sexual assault. The emotional abuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse distorted the way I see things and myself. Sometimes I feel abnormal but my therapist said my reactions are normal. As a side question: Anyone that experienced sexual abuse struggle with being hyper sexual and have sexually abusive fantasies or am I alone in this? How do I release my desire for control and how do I gain control of my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

Update: The insurance problem has been fixed. I am able to keep my therapist and psychiatrist:)

Despite this small victory I still have a lot to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeves is that the abusers in my life don't seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know that them not caring is what makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to have a sense of control over my situation. I don't want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictability. Predictability = safety. If I know what's going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few "good times" when things were okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don't miss the abusers but what should have and could have been. She's right. I find myself really sad and grieving some days and others I'm fine. It's just frustrating because I thought I had made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is all the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it's hard. I recently learned that you don't have to be abused in a cult to experience brainwashing. I sometimes resort to my old thought and behavior patterns for whatever reason sometimes. I just don't understand how an abuser can do what they do. The #SexualAbuse was really bad because it ended in a sexual assault. But the #EmotionalAbuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse have distorted the way I see things and myself. I hate it. Sometimes I feel so abnormal though my therapist says my reactions to the trauma are normal. I want to release the desire to control others but I think I struggle with control because I never had any before. I just don't want to be like them. As a side question: Anyone else that experience sexual abuse experience hyper sexuality and have sexually abusive fantasies? I struggle with this and though I've done research on the reasons why, I still struggle. How can I release my desire to be in control and how can I gain control over my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #needhelp #venting #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

I feel like I've put in a lot of healing work to get where I am now. Then again, I feel like there are things that I don't acknowledge. The reality of #SexualAbuse and #SexualAssault are too much for me to accept at times. The #EmotionalAbuse is a little easier for me to cope with I guess because there isn't that much shame associated with it. With the sexual abuse I feel so ashamed because it was a family member that abused me in both cases. Emotional abuse is somewhat easier to deal with because I can better see how it has effected me and I can work through it.

The sexual abuse however is a different story. I also struggle with healthy communication. Whenever I am ever confronted with something difficult or something that makes me feel ashamed or guilty, I instinctively shut it down. I refuse to talk and develop a f**k you attitude. I know that it isn't healthy and it's rude to ignore people but sometimes I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just refuse to confront it.

Yes I know that shutting down is no longer serving me but I still find myself doing it. Growing up I learned to keep to myself and I guess that's why I struggle with communication. The shame of sexual abuse is so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I'm drowning. I know that the shame and guilt aren't mine to bear but I still have a lot of internal conflict. So my question is, how do I resolve this? If I know all this then why can't I just move on? Part of me feels like I may never be over it but I want to finally be happy and healthy. How do I overcome the past so I can live my life?

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAssault #Healing #needhelp #checkin #BipolarDisorder #borderlinepersonaliydisorder #MightyTogether #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

Just read this and it resonates with me. Too often people long for and sometimes even return to abusive situations. I know I longed for the abusive environment. I know how hard it is to break that trauma bond but it is possible. It is very painful but it can be done. Remember as painful as it gets, don’t go back to what hurt you. There’s nothing there for you. Your future is ahead of you. So keep going seek help if you must but always keep pushing forward. You got this. Just wanted to share this with you all.

#Abuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAbuse #Trauma #childhoodtraumasurvivor #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor #Healing

Sometimes I make breakthroughs and other days I’m stuck. #PTSD #Abuse #abusesurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor #selfharmsurvivor

Each day is a new opportunity to learn about yourself.

Today I learned that my Disorganized/Fearful attachment style and my people pleasing are connected. That my trauma driven behaviors are actually the result of my attachment style.

If you are curious and want to know what your style is, there are tons of quizzes online.

I suggest taking one. It changed my perspective and helped me to understand what I need to change. I need to be more trusting and more mindful in my relationships.

Slowly, I am learning what drives my behaviors and the more I know the more I can heal.

#Trauma #PTSD #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #suicideattemptsurvivor #selfharmsurvivor #Healing #learning #attachment