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Shopping on The Borderline.

Food shopping today was horrendous. It's rammed. everyone is on one agenda buy food for themselves and fuck anyone else. Shoppers are being ignorant, rude and hostile. I get to the cashier with half a basket, I Just wanted to leave. I said hello. She looked me straight in the eye and ignored me. I had enough bags. I had cash. She threw the shopping at me so fast that two items fell on the floor and I could not keep up with her so there was a back log. She said do you mind we've got other customers. I said I appreciate that you don't like to work on a Sunday, and I can appreciate that these are challenging times for you and your team. But I cannot appreciate your bad manners or ignorance. I am going to pack my shopping away into my bags and pay for my purchases right here. So I did. Calmly and unhurried. Paid for my purchases and left. When I got outside. I ripped the mask off and started hyperventilating. Shaking. Sweating. nearly in tears. Anxiety. Frustration. Panic. Anger... Any way, my first thought was I need medication. But I don't. I need to ride the wave and realised what I had just achieved..... Freedom... Comes in many ways... Mine came by buying my own dinner and getting home to enjoy it . ..and no I've not taken any medication or recreational drugs... Xxx

**Edit** Xx. It's an awful time and my heart breaks for "Joe Smith," working, family, house, not alot to show accept he keeps his head down and gets on with it . Doesn't bother anyone. Likes it that way .... People like those are targeted... Jobs, Family divided, no education, no benefits as such, can't afford basics but doesn't ask for charity and not flagged up (safeguarding) cus no service using history, government campaigning, propaganda, and opinions of others, Friends, Facebook, news, entertainment... What have you got left? .. I'm Just getting back to "society" "reality" after a very lonnnggg time, isolation, darkness, headspace, I'm aquatinted and going to the shop like that is an achievement. But not for someone who is not aquatinted or experienced any of the "challenges" the government are propping up or killing off. ...I can imagine they must be terrified... Xx #Thoughts #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #anxious #Smallsuccess #COVID #Shopping #iam1in10 ##AddictionRecovery #Recovery #MentalHealth #suicidelossurvivors #overdoseloss #Todaywasawin

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Finding Serenity After Suicide

It’s coming up to the anniversary – two years on Monday. I’m thinking about it more – although to be honest it’s still the first thing I think about most mornings when I wake up. It still renders me numb and I have to get up and get busy to distract myself from the thoughts. Sometimes my Mum is in my dreams too – sometimes she’s happy and sometimes she’s not, but I try to ‘cheer her up’ – whatever that means. Could I have saved her? It still plays on my mind every day, and then there are the triggers scattered randomly out there in the world – the car she used to drive casually driving past- a Border Collie, the same as her beloved Toby. They all remind me of her and inevitably I am drawn back to the terrible end.  
I have a copy of ‘The Serenity Prayer’ sitting on my windowsill, and the words serve to remind me of the way to go forward with my day and with the rest of my life under the weight of the grief I’ve been carrying since my Mum ended her life. I hope I can make it to the end of mine – although the doubts start to set in if I stay still for too long. I shake it off – just keep on moving – making the best of my time. That’s the plan. I hope I can make her proud somehow – redeem myself of any mistakes I may have made.
‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’ Those words mean so much, especially to a suicide loss survivor.
I have a picture of my Mum on her wedding day next to the prayer to remind me that she was happy once. There’s also a statue of the buddha to remind me that she is at peace. And then there are flowers, just because she loved them. I love you Mum, I hope I can find peace too. Until we meet again 💕  #Suicide #SuicideLoss #suicidelossurvivors #Grief #MightyTogether #Depression #serenityprayer

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Lobbying in 2007, sharing my ED journey beginning in 1992, was the first time I met someone else who suffered, as well. Surreal and Life Changing...yet still I live the battle of shaming and isolation from my family. Believing I never wanted help, and that’s my life’s dream to experience and come through from the trauma left in my 30 year battle. All I wanted was to go to the ranch in Arizona that was the only place I knew would save me. One year was requested by the seriousness of my health. Why do I still get shamed, stigmatized, and abused by the family members who have no idea how to support, Listen or care about my life leaving me in the hospital this summer in my fourth attempts of suicide after losing my love to his. I sometimes just feel complexptsd attacks. Why is it so hard to get the help that could relieve me from this all and do my best to shout my story out to anyone who knows the darkness that caused suffering, not healing or even validated. Never asked once about how I felt. Just told what I felt and pushed out by my family. I’m never invited to celebrate birthdays or join their zoom parties. I have not heard anything from them since they believe isolation “ will help me finding rock bottom, and quit making up my stories that I made up in my head “ that I actually lived and documented my road back. Why is this so important to me? I had to survive a whole different experience with the abuse that came in speaking up for help, and that’s not the message that should come out of my life journey to healing and raising awareness in learning how to communicate through all I’ve been taken through. I can still dream. #SurvivingEd #suicidesurviorX4 #Bipolar1 #Complex Post Traumatic Stress #suicidelossurvivors #resilientbutexhausted #dreamingofexperiencingtreatmentattheranchinarizona #Documentary

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Its been 3 months since i lost my cousin/ best friend to suicide. Still struggling to accept that shes gone. Everyone expects me to be ok and deem her selfish and that she committed a selfish act but throughout her life she was judged because of her bipolar yet she soldered on more than anyone i know. She taught me perseverance a few days before she attempted suicide she helped me through a mental breakdown . I feel guilty because i feel i triggered her suicide. I miss her everyday


I year, 3 months and 27 days #

In 2019 I lost my boyfriend to suicide. He was the love of my life. He struggled with depression but refused to seek help. When he told me about his suicidal ideations, 2 days prior his suicide, I made him go to his family doctor and I encouraged him to book an appointment to a psiciatrist, and he did. But the appointment was 3 days ahead. I lived in another country and had no contact number or adress to his family. I told my boyfriend I wanted to call his job, to his friend, he said I was not allowed to do that, and that I should not worry, we would get through this.
We did not. 3,5 hours before I was waiting for him to come to his job so that I could call him and tell him that I had decided that we have to reach out that day to his family and not wait for the appointment next day, 3,5 hour earlier he killed himself. I sat waiting for him to answer me, but he did not, he was dead.
His friend sent a messag that night, and my life stopped.
You died darling , while I was 1900 km away and I died too. The guilt of not going towards your words darling, to act sooner, is consuming me. I miss you and the pain is unbearable. Love you darling, forever. And I miss you so much. I’m so sorry. #Loosing my partner to suicide #suicidelossurvivors #SuicideSurvivors


a daughter grief is a eternal grief #Suicide #Depression

it's all about life. life is hard and dark for those who are knocked down so many times. we don't deserve all that. life has taken my mom from me, cause she was tired, lonely, and in so much pain. suicide was the only thing that ended all suffering that she felt. the thing is, i carry my suffering and hers now. living with this sense of a pointless life, just like she did. counting down the time. just like she did.

#Suicide #suicidelossurvivors #SuicideLoss #Depression #mother #SuicidalIdeation #Suicide


I’ve lost my mother to suicide about 3 months ago. She asked for help. She asked for me, for my support. And I just lay down on bed, thinking that I cannot help her cause I needed help too. We bouth suffered for years to the same mental ilness... now I can’t move on cause the guilt is killing me. I am high from cocaine all the time I was wake up. This is the only thing keeping me alive right now... the drugs and how they make me feel “better”. I have 28 years old and my life has no sense at all. I can’t feel nothing. My mother used to be the reason that I kept myself alive. I have no idea what i’am doing right now, or why... even this post makes me feel ashamed. Cause I already know that my mother is gone forever. There’s no solution to this. Only cries out loud and feel the painful emptyness. Just waiting for the day. The day.
#Suicide #suicidelossurvivors #SuicideLoss #Depression #mother #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #SuicidalIdeation #personalitydisorder #Suicide #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety


I Could D;e Tomorrow (Repost)

“I Could D;e Tomorrow”
Poem written by: Jim Irion


People who do not know what lies
behind these dull brown eyes.
Too preoccupied with your lives,
nor the time to ask me why.
Unfamiliar with mental health.
Inexperienced with how to help.
It's some of those who know better
that have made life a living hell.

People who have been intolerant
of free speech and opinion
have claimed to be anti-stigma,
but exclude me from their agenda.
"Stuff your "all due respect," Jim",
followed by blocked on Facebook.
Oh what bigotry I have been gifted
for just a single election vote.

People who identify as LGBT
have been encouraged to hate me.
Sympathy for his cancer scare.
Let me know what the tests show.
"Message me, say one bad word...
I will contact the law" (on you).
A threat for being compassionate?
He is popular and protected.

I hope he has no cancer, though.
Even if he punches me again in public.
I pitched my anti-bullying article
to another who blocked me on Facebook.
"im not sure this is of any interest
to anyone in the group".
Such ignorance from an LGBT member
bullied on a bus three years ago.

People who are so deeply consumed
by pettiness and bigotry...
What were those subtle "signs" again?
The ones many are late to see?
This intolerance, anger, and hypocrisy
is inexcusable if you ask me.
After all I could die tomorrow,
and would be missed by so many.

Not missed like that. I'm sorry.
As if I do not exist at all.
A cherished several, maybe fifty
if I am lucky and likeable,
would actually miss me when I'm gone.
More than I may ever truly know.
Bless your hearts. I love you all!
You know exactly who you are.

So, this could be a suicide note
to end my pathetic life.
It could easily be one day to live
before I die from a weakened heart.
What if I suffered through addiction,
or struggled with cancer?
I learned from Martin Luther King Jr.
Judge by content of character.

My Dad once taught me:
do not throw stones in someone's path.
One thing I learned from suicide:
all lives matter no matter what.
Can this world still be saved?
Just re-read this poetry.
Share it with those who hate you,
because I care about them too.

I've never believed in my future,
and in fact I still don't.
I am doing what I believe I must do.
I will make it. I have to.
I might not know how to save myself.
If there is a single breath in me
I will not give up on th;s.
Neither will I give up on you.