whatdoido

I guess I’ll start with trigger warning
If you are someone who struggles with BPD related relationships, suicidal ideation, and relationships trauma which puts you in a not good mindset maybe don’t read this

So I guess I’m confused
Confused about how to feel
How to react
What to even say
So i guess this may be a rant a vent I’m not sure
My partner who struggles with BPD and potential DID and a Bipolar disorder
Has told me he has friend(s) who want us to break up
Im assuming this is because of whatever he shares with them
I did manage to bring it up to him just now
I’m not sure how the conversation started but I did share my thoughts about it finally
He said it was very honest of me
I told him that it was unfair of him to share that information with me
Especially because it was after I told him I’ve been extra depressed and suicidal lately
Personally I feel like that is an “off side” thing to tell your partner in general and just bad timing
Kind of something you keep to yourself and your friends i guess
Maybe I’m crazy for thinking that
I’m not sure it’s just my opinion
Anyways
He told me that it was someone in his system that told him that
But yesterday I overheard heard his conversation with someone saying “but I love her and you don’t leave when times get hard”
Something along those lines not verbatim
And I am jumping to conclusions maybe but i feel very sure that conversation was about me
In general i think that’s not an okay conversation to have infont of me especially if it’s about me
(I feel crazy and self absorbed writing about this)
Anyways
It’s hard for me to believe that it was just someone in his system telling him this and not a physical person in his life

This is just something that has been on my mind since he said it
How should I feel if he has friends telling him to leave me
I love my partner very much and have done basically everything in my control to be supportive of him
I mean in and out of hospitals
Reaching out to his best friends to check in on him
Tried my best to defend him when people in my life had something negative to say about him
Non verbal time
Bpd moments
psychosis episode
Much more
I just don’t feel heard or understood i guess
I feel like I try
All I’ve asked for resently is to be home for a little bit so I can decompress in my own safe space (we’ve been staying at his parents)
But even that has not been respected
I feel like if i could fill my cup just a little bit I could be a better partner
But I just haven’t gotten the opportunity to actually do it and constantly being shut down
I feel like I have no voice anymore
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #alone #whatdoido

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My nephews are home again today, and because my autism hates it for some reason (because of external stimuli and being overstimulated), I’m leaving. Again.

Pros:
- Finding a quiet space

Cons:
- Potentially being misgendered as someone who’s not non-binary (especially being misgendered as a girl)
- One of my triggers are the words c/v/d-19 (o, i), p/nd/mic (a, e), and q//r/ntine (ua, i) ⚠️(please, please, no one say these words in the comments 🙏🏽) ⚠️, and UNFORTUNATELY it’s pretty common in advertisements (which are almost freaking everywhere - thanks America /sarc) and I can’t even look at advertisements or even the outside world anymore since 2020. Once I accidentally look at a post or whatever (because I do that often) and one of those words appear, there goes my mood. It’s happened twice the last time I went out.

But I feel like I have nowhere else to go but outside in order to not feel overstimulated. This is ridiculous.

#fml #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Family #why #whatdoido

My boyfriend is really struggling with wanting to stay alive. I don't know exactly what is going on because he says he doesn't know how to describe it. But I, myself, have been through a good amount of unfortunate events and I know it was scary. I didn't have much help so I don't know how to help him. If you have any suggestions I would appreciate it. #whatdoido

I've battled trauma, Multiple Sclerosis and all the pain and worry that goes with it, mental health etc my entire life. My husband makes fun of me bc I'm on medication. He makes me feel so small everyday. He doesn't understand bc I look normal. He has never been to a doctor's appointment with me. I have imagining and proof. He calls me mammaw and I'm 35. I am beginning to hate him and starting to plot my way out. With covid around this is much harder. The fact I have zero money, everything is in his name and I don’t have a full time job. I do deliveries when I feel well but with Covid-19 being at it's worst it isn't worth it right now. I have a senior in high school to be a role model for. I honestly don't think he will ever understand and even more of a punch in the gut is, he probably doesn't care to understand. I put my life on the back burner for my daughter and needed to survive. I don't want to just survive anymore because it is killing me. #whatdoido #SOS #Divorce ?

I've battled trauma, Multiple Sclerosis and all the pain and worry that goes with it, mental health etc my entire life. My husband makes fun of me bc I'm on medication. He makes me feel so small everyday. He doesn't understand bc I look normal. He has never been to a doctor's appointment with me. I have imagining and proof. He calls me mammaw and I'm 35. I am beginning to hate him and starting to plot my way out. With covid around this is much harder. The fact I have zero money, everything is in his name and I don’t have a full time job. I do deliveries when I feel well but with Covid-19 being at it's worst it isn't worth it right now. I have a senior in high school to be a role model for. I honestly don't think he will ever understand and even more of a punch in the gut is, he probably doesn't care to understand. I put my life on the back burner for my daughter and needed to survive. I don't want to just survive anymore because it is killing me. #whatdoido #SOS #Divorce ?

My biological father is an abusive alcoholic. We never get along when we seldemly do talk. Yesterday my nana called me and told me that while he was drunk he decided to snort an entire baggie of heroin. He was given 4 doses of Narcan by the EMTs to revive him. He called me that night ddunk and was just talking about non sence. (Which is normal for him.) I am confused on how to feel. Of course i feel terrible for my nana having to deal with that and i dont want him to die but i want him to get scared enough so that he changes his life. A year ago he was on life support due to congestive heart failure. He made it out alive with his heart only functioning at 17%. What makes him think that he can just go back to what he was doing before and starting new drugs he has never done before. He has never been there for me. He only calls me when he is drunk. So why do i have this need to care? I know it sounds cold hearted but i dont want to care anymore. I dont want to worry anymore and most of all im tired of my nana dealing with this on a daily basis with him living in her home. ##Addiction ##why ? #NumbToThis #whatdoido ?