battlewithinmyself

I just did something really good tonight that is something I’ve been anxious about for a long time. It was a terrifying thing, but I did it! I didn’t give into overwhelming fears and run away from it OR give myself the chance to freeze and avoid doing it. I reached out for support and I did the Terrifying Thing!
Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been drifting along in my life, not really living, but tonight I feel the most alive that I have in a long time, and I’m the most proud of myself that I have been in a really long time. What I did was, in reality, just something small that might not result in what I’m hoping for, but the end result of this isn’t the point. The point is that I’m finally turning around the fight with my anxiety, and I’m starting to do things despite my anxieties. The point is I’m rebuilding my life, and I’m starting to help myself do it. The point is I’m happy and proud of myself right now. The point is my anxiety did not win tonight. This was a small thing that I did, but it was a big step for me.

#Anxiety #stressed #scared #Depression #fightinganxiety #battlewithinmyself #battlewithanxiety #iamproudofme #Victory

i have been without meds for a month. anxiety has gotten better but the #MajorDepressiveDisorder has been very difficult. i hate when people say that it gets better and that life isn’t always gonna feel like this. and that our emotions come and go. it is like i am in a constant battle with my mind. how do you beat depression ?!!! i don’t want to “manage” life...... i want to enjoy it by LIVING.
Yes I have a psychiatrist, therapist, and a great support system.
but seriously this is just 😢
it is like it just isn’t gonna ever go away
#Suicide #Depression #Selfharm #battlewithinmyself #CheckInWithMe

Do you ever feel like you’re losing a battle but you realize you’re the only person on the field.. this is what I struggle with every day. I have loved ones that I know I have to appear as this confident, strong women.. but inside I can’t breathe. I’m so alone within myself that I want to cry on the shoulder of anyone who shows me kindness! When my tears are right on the edge of finally being set free.. I am 100% no one cares even the slightest. I know I have a serious problem.. and when my spouse is constantly saying he doesn’t care how I feel, he can’t relate so don’t try, or it’s my fault for being so insecure.. I feel like I have no right to even seek help. As if.. maybe the problem is me. I am so sooo exhausted of forcing my smiles or playing Miss Comedian and my whole body aches from internal screams. Some days I feel like I’m cured and it was just a phase but then I realize that I’m putting a show for myself. I wish I could just give up, I wish I could ugly cry without being judged, I wish so much.. but I feel like I don’t have that right. I’m just not important enough. I just wonder.. how many lost souls are there in the world.. that feel just like me.

There are times when I can live in harmony with my anxiety. And those times are great, when I can “I see what you’re doing but hey that’s cool”

There are other time when it feels like an all out brawl, like I’m going through a boxing match just to drown out that voice. As much as I know what it’s telling me is wrong and unjustified I still can’t help but worry and get worked up.

It makes it very difficult for me to trust new people.....family...partners.

On the days it gets too much I don’t know how to deal with it;
I go silent or I stutter or I do this hand thing where I tap my fingers to my thumb. And those close to me notice and ask what’s wrong?.....It’s on these days I don’t know how to get past this voice....the voice reminding me how easy I am to crush, the voice that tells me I’m not worthy of love.

So I’m trying this new thing where I face this and get it out.....I have people that I care so much about and I don’t want to let this push them away like those in the past......it’s time for Round 2.....and I’m determined to face this head on.

This story is about a girl

A girl who was used and abused.
A girl who had to grow up fast, to find a way to survive.
A girl trying to live in a world she doesn’t belong to.
A girl trying to find a place in a world, that is cruel.
A girl who’s trying hard to win a battle.
But the villain in this story is, herself.

#PTSD #Depression #battlewithinmyself #mymightystory

I had a friend of the oppisite sex that I was crazy about. She indirectly asked me to do something for her so I obliged. The job didn't finish the first day as she expected so I drove to her house to complete the rest on the second day. When I arrived she was very cold so I asked her if she was angry and she snapped and said she was mad at everybody and told me to get the hell out. She didn't say what she was angry about. I don't understand why it is when you try to help someone they treat you like crap.
#battlewithinmyself

I am a fixer
I fix things
For you
For me
I anticipate things
I get it done before it needs getting done
I make the problem not get as big as it could
I can do this well
But it is killing me
And maybe you
It doesn’t let you get the skills you need to fix things
Then I get mad that no one can fix things but me
But I don’t know how to give you the chance to fix things
In a way that doesn’t work for me
#CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #itstimeformetochangeithink #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #tryingtoheal #selfawareness