Cant

It’s after 2am I’m working an extremely rare night shift at my weekend job it’s a Security company that handles several contracts thank God they love me because I’m kinda panicking a bit let me explain BPD causes me to do some pretty stupid shit like buying things I really don’t need like I have all the $$$ in the world I’m learning to get a handle on it but it still does damage I’m moving next month and we are literally swimming in bills I’m working like a manic to cover half the rent for next month plus car insurance and rent for the new place my check I just got today went to paying the mechanic to fix my truck just barely covered it I’m working the moving company when they need me I get a text the day before it’s annoying very difficult to plan things out I’m door dashing and working my weekend security job kinda hoping this hospital job pans out 3 12 hr shifts and 4 hr training shift per week paid lunch and full hospital benefits plus my 403b should roll over I’ve been working torwards this for over a year before we even moved here I bust my ass to provide for my family I didn’t ask for any of this shit that was given to me I’m taking ownership though I cannot change things in the past the only thing I can do is take one day at a time put the work in and keep pushing forward my wife told me today she’s seen a huge change this week and I haven’t even started therapy yet I have to find the keep the momentum going really just need a solid break

#Working for change #Cant change my past but I can shape my future #heres to my new beginning #I Choose life #Fuckbpd

Working 10a to 4p sitting by the pool enforcing rules and regulations this is my weekend job I move furniture during the week I love making money and being in a positive environment

I took this picture last night. I’m normally almost ocd about my house being clean. My friends and family make fun of me for it.

I looked around last night and really SAW what I was living in for the first time. I’m not beating myself up - but the contrast is stark. My best friend in the fucking world - scratch that she was/is more like my sister - of 15 years passed away recently. Now, my brother is missing. We had to file a missing person report and hire a PI. His phone hasn’t been used since he disappeared and someone else is using his credit/debit cards. It isn’t looking good.
I feel like my heart is being sucked out of my chest. I’m so numb and disassociated that I’ve been losing time. I’m either searching for my brother or in bed chain smoking (I had quit years ago) and watching shows. I won’t get up for days unless I’m searching. My bedroom is DISGUSTING- as the picture shows. I can’t sleep.

I guess I took the picture so that in the future, I can look back and see how bad things can get. Life can be pretty good one day and unbearable the next. Life isn’t about money or your job or anything but the ppl you love. Hold on to them. Tell them you love them. Hold them close.

Also, all the things you try and control. Punctuality, cleanliness, etc. can all go to shit.

Big hug to you all.