domestic abuse

I posted this yesterday but deleted it… I am so much worse today…. Hence the title. I’m losing control and I’m scared. I’ve reached out to the only help I have and my mom doesn’t understand how badly I’m doing right now. Her answer you can’t give up you have to get through it.
But I’m kinda past that point. So this post from yesterday is really outdated but I don’t have the energy to write another.

I’m having so much trouble finding joy. I’m miserable lately and I feel like I shouldn’t be. I’ve had a major decline in my mental state and I’m struggling to get out of it. I’m struggling to breathe. I’m probably in one of my deepest depressions in my life and I’m not sure how I’m going to get to the other side of this one. I have a lot I need to get through in the next few weeks and I’m just trying to get through until the end of June. But then July will be here and I’ll have to face that. I feel like I’m always just trying to get through time with nothing to look forward to because I don’t find joy in anything anymore. I’m just here and wish I wasn’t. I have to get through the next couple weeks because a friend/my employer needs me to take care of her mother while she’s away for a week and a half so I have to keep it together until the end of June so I don’t let her down or let on to her how badly I’m doing. But I’m having trouble getting mentally prepared for that when I’m this depressed. It’s awful. I’ve barely been able to care for myself lately so this trip feels very daunting. I’ve done this so many times for her and know I can do it I’m just really struggling to get myself prepared this time around. It’s going to take a lot out of me but I just need to get through it. I’m dreading it and want to be past it because my regular day to day is hard enough right now. This trip is coming at a really bad time. I’m trying to muster up the energy and get mentally prepared for this but I’m having a really really hard time doing this. Having this big responsibility right now is really overwhelming me. I’m having trouble just trying to wrap my head around basic things right now. This feels too big. I always feel guilty when things like this feel big and hard to me because I have no one that understands why it’s so hard for me. When I’m like this I feel so alone. I feel stupid and weak for struggling so much over things that I should be able to do. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m spinning out of control. I wish I had any feelings of self worth. I’ve felt so bad about myself lately and I don’t know how to change that. #Depression #feelingalone #Anxiety #overwhelmed #lost #stressed #

I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Which has left me with c-ptsd, which includes horrible anxiety which I do take medication for but it's not enough. I must meditate, go to therapy, go to church, do yoga. These are my forms of self- care.
Unfortunately, I became involved with my ex boyfriend a year ago. He was abusive in every form but physical, and that became a reality so I left him in September. I did my part and got a restraining order but I was only able to serve it yesterday. I had to change my number. I lived in fear for many months. Which, while that was bad, it brought up memories of my abuse as a child. So, I used this opportunity. I continued my therapy and I've been able to process and heal, even during all this, issues I've had since childhood.
I want to say that the only thing that kept me sane through all this was God.
When my ex started abusing me in small ways, I never told. Just like when I was a child. So, I felt that I had no one to talk to but God. And so I did. Boy, did I.
I discovered that when I reached out to God and told Him about my pain on a daily basis, it changed me.
I discovered that when you are so afraid of humans, because you've been hurt or betrayed so much, that God can become your best friend, your confidant, your strength, your hope.
That's what happened to me anyway.
The abuse as a child and an adult, though I thought at times it was breaking me, it didn't. It made me stronger, because that's what God does, I finally realized. All my pain was never for nothing. There was a purpose. I feel stronger and more capable. I now want to follow that purpose, which I believe is to help others with their pain if I can. I still have bad days, of course. But I'm not suicidal or without hope any longer. If I can just help one child, or one woman who suffers, then everything makes sense. We don't suffer for no reason. We all have a purpose. I surely don't mean to sound preachy. I just wanted to share that I found my strength in God. The Bible says for when I'm weak, then I'm strong.
I'll end with this this. If God is for you, which He is, then who can come against you? Even when you are your own worst enemy, He can even protect you from your own self. Love you all💜

I just went to the court house and filed an emergency petition to have my boyfriend psychologically evaluated. I also filed a protective order. I’m back at my mom‘s house and I’m freaking out. I just blew my whole life up but my boyfriend he is really sick mentally and was taking it out on me. I can’t think straight. I feel soooo awful. He has intermittent explosive disorder and I’ve been living with it so long that I finally gave in and told my Mom. But now my life as I knew it is completely over. I am completely alone. I have #Bipolar2 and terrible #PTSD and #Anxiety and I’m worried how I’m going to get through this. #Trauma #DomesticAbuse

I’m very trauma, bonded, and struggling to move from a partial separation to a full separation from my abusive husband of 33 years. Any suggestions or support from those who have experienced the similar struggle and been successful would be much appreciated. #DomesticAbuse #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #DomesticViolence

I’m new to the group and just wanted to say hello to fellow survivors of childhood and domestic abuse. I hope to be able to connect with others here. I in a partial separation from my abusive husband, but I am extremely trauma bonded so it is difficult to move to complete separation. However, that is my goal and I would love suggestions from others who have struggled with this and been successful. Thank you. #DomesticAbuse #DomesticViolence

I just remembered something and I wanted to share it with you all. When I was at a Rehab facility for 15 months I had group therapy for domestic violence and drug abuse. I also went to individual therapy as well as sexual assault therapy ( which went at my pace). My first time at individual therapy and sexual assault therapy I just kinda sat there trying to make words form that would let my therapist know how I needed help. I than told my S A therapist that I have difficulty speaking what's on my mind because of years of being told that what I had to say didn't matter. But, I can be very talkative when I write what I want to say down on paper. I would put it under my SA therapist door when I was finished so she can read it before our next appointment and she can ask questions. When I got in her office the next time she was all smiles. Because I had wrote about one instance that I've had flashbacks about. She was surprised I was very explicit with details and revealed what I felt afterwards. I told her that if I can't be honest and open about what's messing up my head, then you don't know how to help me. I was told by different case managers, instructors and staff that I was brutally honest and they thought that it did help me along my healing journey.

It's funny isn't it, even when we were together I would never call you by your name because I knew I would get hurt so I gave you nicknames. Never did I think you would rape me. Then again no one ever think it is going to be them right? I always try to see the best in people and no matter how awfully you treated me I still saw the good and thought you were just misunderstood and my friends didn't know you like I did. How wrong I was. Was I just naive? Even after it happened I questioned myself, I told myself that it couldn't of just happened. That wouldn't happen to me. I have been through a lot of shitty things but never did I think i'd end up here. I can't even say I am a survivor of rape, because i am not surviving. I don't know when this pain subsides, when do I stop being afraid to leave my house, when will i not be on high alert when i will get to leave the house it happened in when will i get to move away from you. I can never heal whilst you're so close everywhere i go, there are memories of you and i. the inly thing i can say that i have gained is the ability to say your name out loud. It is the only power i hold. Not only did I question whether it was rape before someone told me what happened was rape, i never even realised there was domestic abuse all the way through. How do i ahve anyone else to blame apart from myself there were warning signs, my friends tried to warn me but i didnt listen and now i am here #Rape #DomesticAbuse