findingme

So there are many things at play here..
My childhood was incredibly traumatic and I was put through years of systematic and ritualistic abuse, thus I lived in a hyperaware state most of my life..

I've had issues with trust in relationships due to this..
I stupidly trusted my last partner, then I found out he had been drugging me and having sex parties trafficking my past out body..
Even 9 months on It's horrific to even try and get my head around.

I had to flee my home city with nothing but what I stood up in, change Everything in my life..
I've done so much to move forward.
But it still hangs over my head I Can't Trust Anyone!

Ive had a life of hiding from my bio father and the powerful ring of people he works with..
Im sure some people of my past were sent to 'keep an eye on me' by people that abused and tortured me as a child.

I live somewhere new, yet I still can't trust new people, it's just simply Not Wise in my situation!
I've had 2 possibly 3 people try to spike me since I got here, I don't take tobacco off Anyone anymore!

The thing is since I stopped drinking I feel like I got a bit of my power back, it's a lot harder for anyone to try and mess with you when you're sober!

I have soo much going on with having to give statements about the abuse I lived through as a child, I can't allow Anyone or Anything to knock me off track with that process!

I just feel so weird that I can't trust new people, I have old friends I can trust..
I just don't know how to trust new people, especially as the only 2 people I thought I'd connected with are actually not gd people..
one used Everything she had learnt about my life, childhood to try an hurt me via calling me a lier and screaming in my face.
The other is one of the people who tried to spike me.

They are Not worth the paper they are printed on!
This in turn made it harder to trust.. again..

So im left with the feeling ill never be able feel fully connected or trust anyone new again!
Ive just been through so, so much.

I'm such a social person it kills me to feel this way.

Thanks for reading 💖
#PTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #CPTSD #Childhoodtrauma #movingon #trustissues #BipolarDepression #CheckInWithMe #findingme #Anxiety #Stress #MeToo #Upallnight