Godhelpme

I know He gave me life and I know I should feel blessed for still being here today; it’s that fact that my emotions, situations, and the people in my life are making me lose it. My memory is going bad for some reason and now I’m pissing off my boyfriend who has a little bit of a temperament; he gets angry with me because I can’t remember saying something or that I cant recall what I found on the internet or anything really. I just came home from work and cried because my pulled or strained Lattisimus Dorsi area that happened three weeks ago, I feel like I can’t work a well paying job and I feel like I can’t even keep a relationship from going toxic. My family is manipulative towards me meanwhile my sisters both have great jobs as teachers and get rewarded for that. My life is crumbling and I don’t know if I can take this anymore. Everything is making me frustrated and I feel like the worst case scenario alway happens. I feel like I’m about to lose my job and boyfriend all because of my depression and anxiety (mostly because I feel like I’m not doing things fast enough or not doing things the way my boss wants me to do them); the past three jobs I’ve had I got injured from: hip strain, tendon release & rerelease & then another rerelease in my left wrist, now it’s my entire left side that can’t really be mobile. There’s too much to list on here. Yeah, most of y’all are probably thinking just go see a therapist: I would if I wasn’t drowning in debt from my doctors visits in the past three years or so. I feel like I’m failing at being me. #PainManagement #Godhelpme #Depression #anger #ADHD #Anxiety #Crying #Disabilities #Temptation #LivingWithYourself #manipulation

I’ve been isolating a lot since March 2020 and even more since May 2021 when my semester ended. I reach out online but otherwise I talk to my chosen family and treatment providers and that’s about it. I live with my chosen parents which is why I’m still alive after lockdown, so I see the two of them every day. But in terms of friends, I don’t push people away exactly, I just silently drop out of their lives until I’m quite sure they couldn’t possibly remember me. And then I wonder why my phone never goes off unless I specifically reach out, and decide nobody must care. When really it was me that left.
I’m getting to the point that I’m pretty sure every adult in my life would breathe a huge sigh of relief if they suddenly were relieved of their burden of carrying me. It’s the fact that I don’t want to teach the two small children in my life that suicide is a viable way to deal with their problems. That’s why I’m still here. I’ve milked that excuse for about all it’s worth though. I’m running out of options.
I promised my safe mom I’d make it to shepherd pratt alive but a waitlist 7-8 weeks long is a lot longer than I bargained for. And apparently the waitlist is about that long for acute general psych inpatient/PHP/IOP, also.
I’ve completely relapsed with self harm to the point of multiple times daily and I get no endorphins benefit from it due to the naltrexone but it brings my adult to the front or my flashback brain to the present.
I am going to need like some kind of psychological rocket fuel to get through the next 2 months. #Godhelpme

argued with my dad few hours ago. he says I need to get ahold of my emotions. he also kept saying that I don't need to feel anything and that feelings and emotions are a WEAKNESS! I know that I'm not well known in this world. but when I am looking for comfort from my parents all my dad seems to say is that I need to pull my self together. "Stop letting your emotions control you". my mom just want to put me on new meds. and last night before my dad even got home from work my mom had told me that I was one step away from being in a hospital for self harm and anger. so now that I think about this I think It might be the right choice. but one thing keeping from admitting myself is the fact that I don't know how I would pay for it. and my dad was yelling at me telling me that he's not gonna foot that bill. this all after I told him that I wanted help with struggling suicidal thoughts and the fact that I have wanted to cut for the past 24 hours. but I haven't. why? because I don't want to hurt my mom. realize that I didn't mention my dad in there? well because I know for a fact that he would not miss me. probably wont even miss me when I die. which is hopefully much farther down the road. I think the only thing I know is maybe two people will possibly miss me. #Hatemyself #fuckthislife #Godhelpme

Why can't I sleep? I have to leave for work in 3 hours. My anxiety is overwhelming. #Anxiety #Insomnia #depressed #Godhelpme #angels #Prayersneeded #prayersplease #restlessness

woke up witha headache, 3/4s of my neighbors ignore me,in a place where i am unaccepted. almost everyday is the same. soon as i walk out the house neighbors ignire me. i go to work and its the same thing. customers ignore my customer service. i mean i do have a lot of friends but i must speak to people since it is my job discription. they get feel upset when i speak and get mad when i dont. i mean what do they want me to do lol?i think i neeed to be thankful for the friends i do have but it gets hard like days like today. I know im not perfect and sometimes its my fault but this is ridiculous #firstpost #Racism #Selfacceptance #sad #Lifestyle

I can barely write this, and theatricality aside I’ve never been this overwhelmed. The Darkness has spilled into my physical life. #Godhelpme