Living With Yourself

#LivingWithYourself could apply to about every condition present here for illness, plus chronic is like yelling « TIMBER » in the middle of Time Square. Within minutes, there’s no one left. And the co lateral damages are hardly ever mentionned…and they are almost as difficult to cope with than the cause itself ! One would think that when you show a credited articles saying there are 35 million people striving with the same condition you have been diagnosed (and scientifically tested, such as Lyme’s desease) one would finally beleive you. Well…NO. Not even after 20 years. Then the original symptoms are joined by others inflicted by the mere fact of living, and seeing doctors all to happy to put everything in the « Lyme » basket…including when after having to drag something super heavy, your arms are sprained , both, you can’t change your sheets, spread them to dry, and you end up , month after month, rolled up in a sheet on the mattress. Slowly, one gives in, with the « why » , wherever you turn : WHY ? No one will see you in the month, the phone doesn’t ring, grocery shopping beeing too complicated, « another side co lateral », for one doesn’t have the concentration time needed to fill in an order on line, finding Your favourite brand…you need to take a break, snooze off, come back, your basket’s empty, and you have to start the whole process…and finally give up. And day after day, you settle for the minimum, and one day notice you treat yourself worse than you would your dog ! First, it’s the gender that gives in. Female, male, the pain and problems are the same. 90% is the same. Then the human is a question. No one listens to you, people look Through you, you haven’t heard your own voice in days, and then one day, an article strikes you, you would never have dared give a name to « Social Death »…and how many are in that group. And growing speedily year after year. How many people I used to have contact with at least once a week wonder (if !) if I’m still alive ? One of my « used to be best friend » told me « our lives have driven so much appart now that keeping up is meaningless, so lets leave it at that « . I was astonished. But then i tend to do the same by not calling the few people who Would speak back, because , what’s to be said ? Nothing has changed, and if, not for the best …Who am I to pour my garbage in their lives ? Do they deserve that. I used to be the listener, the provider, the Strong one. And I’m struggling to stay alive, even with minimal treatment on account of COVID as SOoooo many people, in much worse emergency situations are on the « side lane ». I should do this, inquire about that, and Monday is like a little more active Sunday, catching up with Mails, messages, un finished Friday work, and discussing around the coffee machin. Tuesday’s a possibility…but I find an excuse…and excuse after excuse, it’s Friday, and « oh, I’ll do it next week », there’s no rush, not like it’s going to change something. Co lateral. my name.#

I know I have to stand but can't stop trembling.
I know I have to work, but I can't stop crying.
I know I have to eat, but I'm not hungry.
I know I want to live but I can't remember how.
I just know...

#LivingWithYourself #Depression #Anxiety