I was weak, desperate, and easily manipulated. I was trying to keep myself from falling apart, and nearly ruined my life in the process. He saw an easy opening, and pressed his advantage. I was just one of a long line of trysts for him, but his was the only hand I found reaching out, when I felt like I was drowning, and I grabbed it in desperation. I split myself in two, as I betrayed my very identity. He only wanted one thing, and I knew it from the start, but I needed more. He knew the words to say and I heard what I wanted to hear.
Then, he took it further, and decided to “share” me. For 3 hours of my shift I was followed around, being sexually harassed by my boss. I tried to say no. I told them that’s just not me. I don’t know if they realized that, unlike their long lists of women, my relationships could fit on one hand. I said, not tonight. My “friend” said, right now, let’s go. He grabbed me by the arm, and walked me to the car, my boss right behind us.
I don’t know why I didn’t fight. I don’t know what made me go with them. Maybe I was scared that my boss would fire me. I think I was mostly in shock. It felt like a scene out of books I had guiltily read. After being happily, faithfully married for 9.5 years, before getting involved with this “friend” and also being quite sure that I was not desirable to anyone besides my husband, I couldn’t wrap my head around the current circumstances.
They drove around so long looking for a “safe” place to park that there was no way I’d make it back on time from my lunch break, so I made up a “family emergency” to go home. It didn’t matter. Everyone at work had already figured it out. The gossip, dirty looks, etc. lasted for weeks.
Afterwards, my “friend” bragged about my boss thanking *him*, and telling him how great it was and that “he’s the man”, for letting him in on the action. My boss even bragged to someone within hearing of another employee! At first their comments made me feel proud and sexy. Then, as I looked back, I felt dirty and used.
It had always been about him. Asking me for money. Always on his schedule. It never mattered if I said No. He would manipulate me until I gave in. And I let him. Because I was weak and pathetic. Then, it became about both of them. I was overruled. They didn’t care about my reputation at work. I was pretty much shunned, though I learned that most of the girls there had slept with one or both of them.
I quit that job, and a few months later my “friend” found a way to get a hold of me, and asked how I was and if he could see me. I naively thought he was being sweet and was actually concerned about my well-being. I told him that it would be purely platonic, not physical, and he agreed. I realized just how stupid I’d been, when he first tried to pressure me, and then began threatening to force me. Never have I been so grateful for being too fat to be easily shoved into a back seat. I got away, and blocked him entirely. For once, I was strong.