OnedayAtaTime

Sorry I've been away a couple weeks, & not kept up with my notifications. I will work on attending to each soon as can. Fibro pain has had me in bed (on couch where I sleep (& where I live) throughout. It's been extreme, and I had my first #suicidal thought a few days ago. First in a couple months or so. See, I forgot that the Tegratol had been prescribed for the broken leg (& ran out of same time that pain got back to overwhelmingly torturous & insurmountable) was helping the fibro pain at the same time. I thought I'd achieved/reached a new place, but found id just ran in a great big circle. Yuk. It really sucks & I not sure how long I can bear it. One day at a time; one harsh moment at a time ! #fibrosucks #toomuchtobear #OnedayAtaTime #onemomentatatime

First I want to say, September is Suicide Awareness Month. In honor of this month I shared my thoughts on my personal social media. I shared my own trials and tribulations.. to which my mother made of joke of my post. I will copy and paste what I wrote below and attach the photo I added to the post below:

"Sparkling with resilience, the semi-colon tattoo on my skin tells a story of triumph, a testament to the human spirit's capacity to persevere. It symbolizes the darkest moments, the times I felt lost and hopeless, when surrender seemed like the only escape. Yet, I chose to hold on, to keep going, one day at a time. 💪I think of those who stood by me during my darkest times, their unwavering support, their unconditional love, and their unrelenting belief in me. Without them, I would have missed out on the breathtaking sunrises, the warm embraces, and the joyous laughter, and beautiful celebrations that followed. I would have missed out on the opportunity to love and be loved, to experience the beauty of connection. I would have missed out on meeting my person, and gaining another family and added them to mine❣️. I am a warrior, scarred but unbroken, with a story that will ignite hope in the hearts of those who feel lost. My tattoo is a reminder that life is a tapestry of moments, some dark, some light, but all precious. It's a declaration that I am still here, still fighting, still loving, and still living.The day I got this tattoo, will forever be etched in my memory as a milestone, a celebration of where I am in my journey, and a reminder that no matter what lies ahead, I will face it with courage, with strength, and with the knowledge that I am not alone. This is my testimony. My truth."

My narcissistic mother told me that my post was dramatic, stupid & pathetic.. I feel like my own mothers won't understand me, they will never get me. ever. I feel so unseen, unloved... advocating for things like this because I have been through it more than once is a passion of mine because I want to help others. Spread awareness. #SuicidePrevention #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #OnedayAtaTime

On this Monday as I wait for sleep to get here (it is now 4:07am)… I just wanted to give a shout out to my little Hunter baby here.

On December 17, 2022 I had every intention of adopting a doggy and giving him a home.m, not knowing that eventually I would see that I was wrong about me being the savior… he saves me every day.

If you have a wonderful furbaby like Hunter here, give them a big hug and a kiss on their head for they stick with us even when we are at our lowest.

If you don’t have a furbaby (yet), give the person you love or even the person who’s been by your side, never giving up a hug of appreciation.

Let them know how much we appreciate them being in our lives, even at times we might not show it.

Also, give yourself a hug, because YOU are one STRONG individual and I and Hunter believe in you.

#OnedayAtaTime #youmatter #youareloved #YouAreNotInvisible #YouAreAStrongWarrior

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve had a lot going on emotionally and physically. I’ve had to learn that it’s ok not to be ok no matter how others make me feel. If you’re struggling, I hear you and sending prayers and good vibes your way. #ChronicMigraines #OccipitalNeuralgia #Fibromyalgia #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #OnedayAtaTime

Mom passed 7 months ago and grief isn’t simple (for anyone). Since early May, my grief has tangled so tightly with my bipolar depression, anxiety, aging, chronic pain, and highly sensitive nervous system that I’ve been left with a knotted ball, growing heavier and heavier.

I move between rooms of our home, no routine, no logic. I will do one-quarter of a task before leaving for another spot where I’ll notice another thing to do and before it’s finished I retreat to the couch. It's a great deal like a Roomba (and if I could fit under the couch like the Roomba, I'd hide there some days).

In one room I will cry because I can’t tell if it’s a King sheet or a Queen and leave the bed unmade. So I'll pull out all my nice Sharpie markers to draw but then can't think of anything to doodle. So, I'll go for a walk only to turn back by the end of the street because I’m just too physically weak (or it’s much hotter than I thought). Eventually, I'll make it into my office to edit an essay but go online to research my local politicians instead. Soon I'll start crying again and go outside to pull weeds. On the porch, I’ll read a single paragraph of the same book I’ve started and stopped four times since Mom passed and then give up and take out the trash but not the recycles.

Perhaps it is post-pandemic, empty-nest, aging-brain induced ADD? I am certain my friends and family with ADD can relate to this Roomba feeling. Grief itself brings a disorientation as the brain accepts that someone should exist that does not anymore.

And while I’m not ready to call this thought "hope," at least today, in this moment, I find comfort in the ways of little Roomba:

move forward a little at a time,

spin away from obstacles to find another path,

be patient with the process, and

return to base to recharge your batteries.

#Bipolar #Grief #funwithanalogies #patience #Depression #OnedayAtaTime #Analogy #KeepMoving #rest