Panic Attacks

There is no way to keep this quick, but I'll try. I'm 50 and still battling with OCD, ADHD, panic, social and relationship anxiety, constant depression. I could take a conversation with a professional in so many directions in talking about my symptoms, my experiences, etc, to try to "get to the root of it", but it's never simple, and I'm now exhausted. However I HAVE to keep trying, but finding yet another therapist and doctor to trust and open up to is just so overwhelming. My life effectively ended at 17 when my first panic attacks took over, and from that very moment, I knew I'd never be the same. There are certain things I've been unwilling to openly discuss. I've seen many therapists, gotten a lot off my mind over the years (that probably saved my life), I've taken a million different prescriptions, but have never stuck consistently with therapy, never have been as open as I could be, and so have made only enough progress to manage the worst of my symptoms, and now I just exist. I feel I'm looking downhill at the rest of my life, craving my younger days prior to the onset of this horrible condition(s) with an aching and desperate heart to go back in time and experience even a second of peace again. With two daughters now turning into adults, no spouse or family around for support, I have more ongoing responsibilities now and need help now more than ever. I am terrified.

I am recovering from very high blood pressure and panic attacks. So thankful that I found a new therapist

Lately I feel like everything I do is wrong and nothing I do is good enough. I have sleepless night after sleeplesss night thinking about every little thing and all my shortcomings and all the ways I fall short. When I do sleep, my dreams are haunted with past trauma which lead to panic attacks and paranoia filled days. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know why I'm here. I feel like everyone would be better off if I just disappeared for a while and tried to get my shit together. Maybe then would I be good enough.
#Anxiety #PanicAttacks #Depression #Insomnia

I recently had a severe panic attack. The second one I've ever had. Almost blacked out, heart rate through the roof, limbs became numb and tingly, ears ringing, chest and jaw clenching, and shivering uncontrollably.. This came on all the sudden no trigger. Lasted about an hour. My husband called EMS. My Heart checked out fine and they said most likely panic attack perhaps triggered by being dehydrated. Now I'm 2 days post attack and I'm feeling like it could happen again at any moment and I'm living with worry. Does this happen? How long will I have to worry that this will happen again out of nowhere? Not to put a label on it but feels like PTSD. Please share your experience. I feel very alone. The physical aspects of the episode were debilitating and so scary. #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder

I can't sleep thinking about this part time job I took I shouldn't have even bothered to look for a job and start it! I was very specific about the hours days I could work and on my first week not in training she scheduled me for during my regularly scheduled counseling a standing appt that I explained last week that I have! My new boss screams and cusses freaking out if something doesn't go her way? I always try to work because people society treats you differently if you don't or can't hold a steady job! I can't sleep because I am thinking about the anxiety and stress it causes me to think about having to go in and deal with people all day in a store and I didn't know that I was going to be expected to make sellibg my major job? I thought people would come in pick out what they want and I would ring it up? No I am supposed to aggressively sell to each and every customer that isn't a rewards member?! Ugh! I just am not gonna be able to do this job and I won't be able to sleep worrying about it?! I'm not on disability yet but am trying just starting to get shit together to file!? Anyway I won't be able to do this job that is for sure I am over 50 and never held down a job? My anxiety panic attacks self esteem emotions being everywhere just doesn't go good with reg employment!? #BPD , #Bipolar , #opiate addiction,#domestic violence, #CPTSD , #Depression #Anxiety #panic attacks I am embarrassed and ashamed and poir and still won't be able to do this job so I am going to have to say so but I prolly won't I will probably just call in so many times she fires me!? This sucks! I always feel good looking for a job then getting it then the problems show and I bounce. I can't listen to her screaming and tripping out that triggers my shit!? When will I just accept that I can't do it? Man this really does suck!!!

I decided to go out with some friends tonight. Out of nowhere I felt like I was disassociating and I instantly knew something was wrong. I kindly excused myself from the conversation and I went into the bathroom to calm myself down. I had spent maybe 10 minutes in there when a woman begins banging in my stall. I kindly say that this stall is occupied but she wouldn’t leave. Then I firmly say ‘I am having a panic attack please leave me alone’. Next thing I know two security guards are walking me out mid panic attack. No one asked if I was okay. No one asked if I needed help. All of this is to say that mental health episodes are still not taken seriously. Many people brush it off and treat us so horribly. Why can’t we get the same respect as someone who has a visual illness? Why do us with invisible and mental illnesses get pushed to the side and stepped on? It feels horrible and it is beyond maddening. Things need to change.

I have suffered a lot of traumas from childhood into adulthood with a most recent, devastating trauma that happened 2 months ago. Since then, all of my symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks, trouble sleeping, de-personalization/realization, flashbacks, dissociation, etc skyrocketed to the most extreme. Chaos reigns. Internal struggle/conflict about whether to live or die until I realized …. I can’t protect myself. This most recent trauma involved my son putting his hands on me and trapping me/keeping me from leaving my own house. I have been hurt physically by a lot of people, but my kids are my LIFE. When one of them hurts you …. How do I describe that feeling? It felt like my soul was ripped out. I CANNOT and will not suffer from one more f-ing person putting their hands on me EVER AGAIN. I have tried multiple times to end my life in the past due to physical abuse when I was a kid, a sexual/physical assault, etc. They were very serious attempts that I just couldn’t believe I survived. I used to think the hospital was a place I would need to be in order to save me from my driven self-destruction. That was …. UNTIL … a hospital staff member grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head into the wall repeatedly while her co-workers looked on. Until … a month after I was assaulted I was taunted & physically hurt on purpose bc hospital security. Until … I was threatened by a “nurse” who said she would tie me down to a bed and cut my clothes off me if I didn’t change into a gown in 5 seconds…. Until …. I was forced to “let” a female staff member strip search me or else face male security as a way to “enforce” what I didn’t want to do.

Therefore … “help” for me only comes in the afterlife where I can be with God and angels. Where I KNOW I will be safe and no one can hurt me again. I contacted a lawyer to draft up a Will and funeral arrangements for me. If he hadn’t been dragging his feet and I hadn’t been so LOST in waves of grief — it would have been complete by now and I wouldn’t be writing this post. There have been agonizing days that just making it through SECONDS was such a huge struggle when ALL I wanted was to be GONE. But my Will is important and I have to make sure my wishes, things I left to family members, etc is enforceable on a court after I’m gone.

So … I understand people have thoughts about suicide. But for me, I fully intend to complete it. I have a plan and a back-up plan if by some damn miracle I happen to wake up. I go back and forth between huge waves of grief to just looking forward to PEACE. Not a single person can guarantee that no one will hurt me again while I EXIST here on this earth. I’ve been suffering for so long and I’ve just had ENOUGH.

I have a counselor that I recently started seeing in February of this year. I’ve had a really hard time connecting with her and trusting her, but she knows about my Will and my plans. Throughout my life I have never had the CHANCE or opportunity to deal with all of my traumas bc it’s been extremely hard to find a counselor who knows what they’re doing and can handle the severity of my symptoms. I WISH I could have gone to this place called The Refuge in Florida. They have a specialized program for trauma survivors. My insurance doesn’t cover it. Yeah —- there’s help out there, it’s just not available TO ME.

My thought is how important inner self talk is in the recovery process of anxiety, panic attacks, social phobia, etc. It takes some practice, some time, but not as much time as it takes to get to where our illness has immobilized us in some way. It involves paying close attention to what anxiety is negatively trying to have you BELIEVE as TRUE,. And at that Moment your positive inner coach is going to say things like " that statement is NOT TRUE, or " I will be fine" or " These feelings WILL NOT hurt me" etc. Etc.. be stern when you say these positive affirmations to yourself. You can make up your own affirmations that you feel are easy to say, as long as you are consistent every day. You are not fighting against your negative thoughts, you are just becoming the " Pilot" of your thought plane and not just a passenger. Your becoming the " Conductor" of your symphony of thoughts and not just a good listener any longer. YOUR taking back CONTROL of your train of thoughts, NOT with agression, but by re- directing them. It works! You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain. 🙂