I have suffered a lot of traumas from childhood into adulthood with a most recent, devastating trauma that happened 2 months ago. Since then, all of my symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks, trouble sleeping, de-personalization/realization, flashbacks, dissociation, etc skyrocketed to the most extreme. Chaos reigns. Internal struggle/conflict about whether to live or die until I realized …. I can’t protect myself. This most recent trauma involved my son putting his hands on me and trapping me/keeping me from leaving my own house. I have been hurt physically by a lot of people, but my kids are my LIFE. When one of them hurts you …. How do I describe that feeling? It felt like my soul was ripped out. I CANNOT and will not suffer from one more f-ing person putting their hands on me EVER AGAIN. I have tried multiple times to end my life in the past due to physical abuse when I was a kid, a sexual/physical assault, etc. They were very serious attempts that I just couldn’t believe I survived. I used to think the hospital was a place I would need to be in order to save me from my driven self-destruction. That was …. UNTIL … a hospital staff member grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head into the wall repeatedly while her co-workers looked on. Until … a month after I was assaulted I was taunted & physically hurt on purpose bc hospital security. Until … I was threatened by a “nurse” who said she would tie me down to a bed and cut my clothes off me if I didn’t change into a gown in 5 seconds…. Until …. I was forced to “let” a female staff member strip search me or else face male security as a way to “enforce” what I didn’t want to do.
Therefore … “help” for me only comes in the afterlife where I can be with God and angels. Where I KNOW I will be safe and no one can hurt me again. I contacted a lawyer to draft up a Will and funeral arrangements for me. If he hadn’t been dragging his feet and I hadn’t been so LOST in waves of grief — it would have been complete by now and I wouldn’t be writing this post. There have been agonizing days that just making it through SECONDS was such a huge struggle when ALL I wanted was to be GONE. But my Will is important and I have to make sure my wishes, things I left to family members, etc is enforceable on a court after I’m gone.
So … I understand people have thoughts about suicide. But for me, I fully intend to complete it. I have a plan and a back-up plan if by some damn miracle I happen to wake up. I go back and forth between huge waves of grief to just looking forward to PEACE. Not a single person can guarantee that no one will hurt me again while I EXIST here on this earth. I’ve been suffering for so long and I’ve just had ENOUGH.
I have a counselor that I recently started seeing in February of this year. I’ve had a really hard time connecting with her and trusting her, but she knows about my Will and my plans. Throughout my life I have never had the CHANCE or opportunity to deal with all of my traumas bc it’s been extremely hard to find a counselor who knows what they’re doing and can handle the severity of my symptoms. I WISH I could have gone to this place called The Refuge in Florida. They have a specialized program for trauma survivors. My insurance doesn’t cover it. Yeah —- there’s help out there, it’s just not available TO ME.