Panic Attacks

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I am here. But who am I?

I've had anxiety on and off in my life. It was never the main diagnosis at all. Besides the, General Anxiety Disorder. Which carries no weight with me. But now, for a few months or so, I'm having either panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and an overall feeling of anxiety. Every single day. I mean I've had anxiety and fear attacks. And I'm curious, anyone ever have more of one symptom, not technically related to the new diagnosis, creep up? Like my panic attacks. And I'm absolutely hating how I'm feeling, what's going on, and what's happening. It sucks! I have coping skills, counseling, a prn for anxiety. It's like I'm having anxiety about a panic attack. Go, me lol
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BPD

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Just sharing…

I have no one who’d listen anymore. People I called friends are tired of me. They are tired of my mental illness, my struggle. I don’t blame them at all, because even therapists got tired. Doctors got tired… and imagine how tired I am. I am so tired I don’t want to get out of bed, eat, or do anything. Reading about suicide brings me sense of relief. Just reading, because I am too much of a coward to do this. I hate people for being selfish, including myself. I am feeling selfish for dreaming big, that’s one of the things that brought me to this point. I am feeling selfish for not being there for my family. I am feeling selfish for laying in bed and relying on my family… on the other hand, I know, if I tried to get out of it and fight for my life, I’d ended up here again, just crying harder, with a headache, perhaps a panic attack. What wouldn’t be selfish? Suicide is selfish. Preying on family is selfish. Going to work is not an option… I feel like I am destined to be selfish with no way out. I am crying out for help. I am crying out for the opportunity and sense of belonging. I thought I belonged somewhere until I realised how delusional I was. I thought I belonged into the elite world of artists that I wanted and got to work with sometimes. I thought my name was a little bit recognised and that meant it. How wrong I was… and it feels better to know I was delusional anyway. It means these people in the industry have a good reason to ignore me - I just never meant anything. And it’s okay. At least it’s logical, and not that personal…

#Depression #Anxiety

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What did I do?

Another night of nightmares. motional flashbacks. Panic attacks in my sleep. Just spent another hour walking the house in circles in the dark.

Sadly, the question that kept coming up while exfoliating my mind in my panic/meditation walk was 'what did I do?'.

We all have asked that question over and over again. Why did this happen to me? Tonight I found myself asking this question again. Not in anger. Not in rage. Not with my entire insides threatening to fall out. This time it's much more calm. It's knowing the answer but still having to ask the question. Nothing. I did nothing that caused me to have a lifetime of nightmares and living nightmares. I wasn't born under an unlucky star. I'm not paying for sins of another or my own in another lifetime. I came to be in a family of two mentally ill parents. Who passed their sickness onto their children. Who all passed their sickness onto me unrelenting day after day after day. I've paid for that unrelentingly my entire life.

I guess my point here is to figure, once more, that it is important to ask 'what did I do' over and over again. As many times as it takes to understand that we did nothing to deserve this. Not the horrors of the trauma, abuse and neglect and not the years and decades of what these things did to us.

I feel so bad so often about my failure to connect to others. The fear, the loathing of the fear, the looking at other people's eyes and seeing the distaste, the listening to the words and their distaste. I know at least some of its my BPD. I have always lacked social skills. It's the affect of the trauma, abuse and neglect.

The answer to that question includes that it wasn't my fault. I have 58 years trauma, abuse and neglect. 58 years of pain, suffering, nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, triggers, etc... that I struggled heroically against trying to make a semblance of my life. I think that I just don't deserve respect for being survivor. I deserve to be me. With all my flaws that aren't my fault. I did nothing to deserve my nightmare of a childhood. Or the life that came from it. I have struggled at my utmost capacity just trying to pretend a semblance of normalcy. It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve it or any of this.

Once more, going through this process.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#DissociativeIdentityDisorder

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Ugh

I woke up at 530am with bad tummy pains. I hurt all over. I fell asleep on my couch at about 8pm and now I'm hurting . But I needed to get away from my bed cuz it was triggering my panic attack.. now I just can't get back to sleep so I'm gonna make a bottle of coffee.

In other news, last night I told my friend that I have a crush on her. She doesn't have feelings for me but she cares about me and she sees me as family. I hope my feelings go away soon.

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I'm having a really bad panic attack right now

Please only read this post if your in the right mind and can because I'll be talking in detail about suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm and it's basically all trauma dumping too.
So my friend just commited suicide like I mentioned in my other post but today I saw her suicide letter and after seeing that I feel so so so horribly triggered and genuinely like I have to commit suicide too right now. Don't worry , I'm way too big of a coward to actually do it but I'm just so disturbed I cannot put it into words. There's so many similarities between our situation. There's so much. Her entire plan of suicide is exactly like how I've imagined suicide everyday since I got depressed. The same scenario where I actually have the courage to commit it. The way I do it. That scenario I think of everyday. And this is like that scenario come to life. Her way of ending her suffering whilst also making the people who hurt her suffer by committing suicide is so twistingly inspiring to me because I also have severe depression. I genuinely feel a NEED to do it. Like as if it's a must because she didn't even have to deal with being in physical pain all the time and she did it so how the hell should I still be standing when I have to deal with all these symptoms everyday while someone who wasn't even in chronic pain did it. Did what I've wanted to do for so long. The way that the people around her treated her. God it's so similar to how the people around me treat me. And the worst part is the blame. She said she has no friend to talk to about her struggles and no one will care if she died her friends won't even notice. I literally spent the entire morning crying. She really thought I didn't care about her? I offered so many times "do you wanna vent" "do you wanna vent" "I'll listen if you need to talk about anything" "wanna talk about it" what did I do that made her feel like I wasn't a safe enough person to talk to? What could I have done to make her feel safe??? She probably didn't even think of me while writing this since she didn't consider me one of her immediate friends but she was definately one of my closest friends. God the panic attack is not stopping and I feel like I'm about to throw up or die or something. I literally have tution in a few hours too. Sorry for concerning anyone I just really needed somewhere to get this down and share because I have literally no one to talk to. Oh god she's gone it's hitting me that I can't do anything at all. Yesterday was her funeral and her birthday both together. They found the letter afterwards. I'm literally so disturbed right now. The suicidal thoughts are so strong. I would genuinely appreciate any kind words or validation at all.#Fibromyalgia #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

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I need a different distraction

I'm close to having a panic attack and I tried to take a shower like I always do but it's not helping me at all. My best friend is at the museum and I think she's driving home now. She lives in a different state than me. I have a crush on her and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to distract myself from all this thinking.

Im just hanging on.

She knew I missed going to museums so she sent me all of the pictures of the stuff she saw. She's so sweet.

4 reactions 1 comment
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#Depression #PTSD #Fibromyalgia #Anxiety #PanicAttack

My mind can not stop thinking. My thoughts on top of thoughts . Feeling the pressure in my chest . Not being able to get the support from family . Feeling all alone .

66 reactions 18 comments
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#Depression #PTSD #Fibromyalgia #Anxiety #PanicAttack

My mind can not stop thinking. My thoughts on top of thoughts . Feeling the pressure in my chest . Not being able to get the support from family . Feeling all alone .

66 reactions 18 comments