progress

#Selfconfidence #Disability #progress

Growing up, I was never a particularly confident person. I remember being a little kid, hiding behind my mother while at my grandma's house, too shy to talk to this woman I had known my whole life. In school, I was too afraid to raise my hand, so I would walk to my teachers desk to ask them my question. Somedays that was too nerve wrecking, so I just sat silently.

In middle school my self confidence PLUMMETED. I've never hated myself, or how I looked more than I did then. You'd think, that me becoming disabled as a freshman, in late 2020/early 2021 would make my mental health worse. Ironically the opposite happened. That's not to say it was an immediate change, infact it's much the opposite. I struggled a LOT in the beginning. My first symptom were tics, kinda ironic that the kid who hates any form of attention on them, now has a disorder that almost garuntees they get attention anywhere they go. In the beginning I could (for the most part) suppress them. So I went to school, and did my best to hide them. I mostly suppressed in class, letting my self tic freely at lunch with my friends who I knew wouldn't judge me.

This went well, until summer break, my tics got worse, I could no longer supress. My sophmore year was rapidly approaching, and I panicked. I could no longer hide my tics. What would people say? Who would stare? Would they think I was faking? And more "What if"s. I had a panic attack a bit before my first day of school. I go to school, and it wasn't as bad as I feared.

Then summer rolled around, and I got a cane (I technically got one during my Sophmore year, but I rarely used it, and didn't use it at school). My mobility declined to a point I needed to bring it to school. Again, I was terrified. If last year made me panic, I was fucking petrified. Again, I had a panic attack a week before school started. And again, when I went to school, I realized that it wasn't that bad.

Funnily enough the same issues that gave me so much anxiety, taught me self confidence. Being in public, as a teenager with tics, and a cane mean that people stare at you. At first I felt ever individual stare boring a hole into my soul. But, overtime I stopped noticing them. My tics have calmed down significantly (now I rarely tic), and I still use a cane. But people still stare, and I don't care anymore. I had to learn to deal with people making fun of me. There's so many things I was forced to deal with, that taught me self confidence. My body is broken, but it still does so much for me, if 11-14 year old River, could've seen how amazing she was, and just how much worth it had.

hey friends and fae!
just wondering what your favourite journal prompts are? the brain fog is thicc.

#mentalhealth #Journal #journalprompts #Writing #Healing #progress #BPD #audhd #ADHD

× " I'm Realizing That I Love Being Alone... And Content.. I Also Enjoy Alway's Helping Other's Or Mentoring People.. Or Just Being There For Someone.... I Also Cherish My Solitude And Peace... I Hate D.R.A.M.A. × Argument's.. Yes! I Still Enjoy Writing My Poetry... But Work Has Gotten In The Way Lately... I'm Also Starting To Become A Workaholic.. Which Can Be Dangerous And Super Stressful All The Time... But My Physical × Mental Well-being Will Alway's Be My 1st Priority... I Will Alway's Be Kind To Other's.. Even Though People Are Mean And Rude Nowaday's For No Reason.. My Pure Big Heart Will Alway's Be Pure... No Matter What.. My Body " IS BROKEN AND WOUNDED " ... And My Mind Is Kinda Here And There.. My Hearing Is Fading Away.. But I'm Still Human No Matter If I'm A Broken Doll.." × Sincerly, ☆ SKADI ☆ #growing

For the first time in the ten years that I have been taking medication for my mental illnesses, my doctor suggested I lower my dose. Don't get me wrong, medication is not the only way to show improvement and management. But it is an easy one to track. I have recognized that this will be my life long journey, and if my medication goes back up, that is totally ok. But I want to honor this season of hope, patience, and determination. My wish is for someone to read this and see that wins for mental illness come in all shapes and sizes. If you told me that it would be ten years for this moment to happen, I would have thought I failed. But I have not failed. I have been strong, and resilient. High five to me today for this win, and high fives to every warrior celebrating progress however that may look! #Hope #MentalHealth #progress #Medication