Riskybehavior

Today, is another day, thank goodness! I have been going through a period of major life transition coupled with extreme external and internal stressors. Yesterday, after a medical appointment, I was interacting with one of my family members, when I allowed a minor annoyance, to trigger me over the edge. I totally flipped a switch inside of me, where I no longer could access all of my coping skills I had learned and practiced from therapy. I left my place, in a rage! I don’t have transportation, and I was in flight mode. I wanted to get as far away from where I was as possible. I didn’t know how to do that, and all I could think is, “I need to get out of here!” So when I got to the highway near my house, I went right out into a 55mph speed zone, stepped in front of a car, forcing it to stop, then started toward the driver door. The car did an evasive manure off the side of the road and sped off. Within the next five minutes, I had no sense of reality. I turned around and stepped in front of a truck coming the other way, who was obviously afraid to stop and almost hit me before swearving around. Thren I was in the middle between two trucks that eluded my motions towards them. This rampage of mine ladted only about five minutes, but it shook me up tremendously. I don’t know how I csn practice, practice, practice… exactly for a triggered moment like this, yet when the moment comes, be totally unable to even have the awareness to realize that I am acting out a behavior that is totally, completely, insanely, illegally, everything about it WRONG! And in thst moment, I had no clue at all that I was acting out, doing something wrong, doing something dangerous, doing something illegal, doing something that could end my life or cause snd accident and injure someone else!! NONE OF THIS EVER EVEN ENTERED MY MIND!!!!
I am so grateful I am alive! I talked to my psychologist today, and we brainstormed how to help prevent this from happening in the future. I have a long history of impulse actions of similar magnitude. I am writing this for myself to cement it in my brain, that I cannot afford this to happen anymore. I need to put my self care plan in effect BEFORE I become overwhelmed. Take a vacation day. A self care dsy. And do not engage anyone or involve myself in any approach behaviors until at least the next day and only then if I am out of overwhelm. My Dr said we can’t stop me, once I’m triggered, so I must be vigilant of warning signs and take measures to reduce overwhelm before I could possibly be triggered while in that state. #triggeredstate #Safetyplan #impulsivebehavior #losttouchwithreality #Riskybehavior

Current Mode: Curled up on my bathroom floor hugging the commode. Using toilet paper for a pillow.

#bowelobstruction #vomitbowel #Gastroparesis #GastroIntestinalSpecialist #BackPain #Backinjury #DegenerativeDiscDisease #discherniation #SpinalStenosis #exposednerve #StressSeizures #Smothered #RestrictiveLungDisease #Lowbloodpressure #lightheaded #bathroomfloor #ChronicIllness #RheumatoidArthritis #Osteoarthritis #UncontrolableNausea #PelvicFloorDysfunction #Pelvicpain #Vulvadonyia #Surgery #ColonSurgery #ExcisionSurgery #Backsurgery #Biopsy #Colonoscopy #Endoscopy #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #Adenmyosis #Endometriosis #OvaryPain #medications #malnourished #Malnourishment #Canteat #BipolarDepression #Depression #CPTSD #PTSD #Flashbacks #Nightmares #BadMemories #Trauma #MentalHealth #UntoldStory #Nosupportsystem #Selfharm #Selfinjury #Riskybehavior #EatingDisorders #overwhelmed #overdone #OverStressed #Stress

So the other day when I was disassociating, I ended up going into the stage of being impulsive and risky. I took five ecstasy pills and ended up having sex. I didn’t wear a condom and I am not on birth control. He came in me. I’m only 18 and EXTREMELY INCAPABLE of having a child. Plan B exists but they make it at an unreasonable price of at least 60 dollars. Although I work, I’m VERY bad at budgeting. Plan B is only effective three days after the incident. I don’t get paid until next Tuesday and I’m freaking out. I tried opening up to my best friend of four years but she had nothing to say after saying what I already said, which is to buy plan b. So I opened up to my sister and all she could talk about is how she could or could not be pregnant , sounding excited. Making it about her, completely ignoring all my worries which is completely unlike her. Then , I talked to my counselor who totally disregarded that worry of mine and changed the subject to what happened to make me disassociate. For my last hope , I spoke to my other best friend who seemed to care but not worry about how serious it actually is. I’m freaking out and I feel 100% alone. I don’t know what to do. All I can think about is trying to steal it but last time I did(2 years ago) the alarm went off and I was lucky enough to get away. I’m freaking out and have no idea what the hell to do or who to talk to. #Risky #Riskybehavior #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #impulsive #disassociation #Sex