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    University, the future, hopelessness

    I have 12 days before my first exam and I am not prepared at all. The unpreparedness has been hanging over me for the entire semester, I hate studying and I do not know what I will do in the future. My boyfriend said "Last year I told you it'd get better, you would be more focused, etc. But I am actually quite surprised that it didn't". All while he is trying to help me, I think he has no clue about how mental health works, and I did not choose to be bad at my studies or feel so sad all the time. He analyses stuff that do not require analysis. I think being sad in front of him is a big mistake. It is just frustrating despite the fact that I did not expect him to understand me. I think everything just got worse when I started sharing my problems with him. He doesn't understand me at all. #Boyfriend #Relationships #relationship #School #studentlife #study #studies #Education #Anxiety #future #Career #MentalHealth #despair #Sadness

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    feeling low to no energy to pursue my plans (if I do have plans, really can't tell at the moment)

    I'm trying to be active and productive. I have spent the whole day (now it's 5pm) waiting to reach the point of my to do list where I would have had to study.

    Here I am, 10 hours after I woke up, and still haven't done a thing. As yesterday and as the day before.

    I've actually found an inspiring spot and have all my stuff in front of me.

    The progress today is: I have opened the file I should listen to and focused for 15 minutes. Then I just watch myself opening up pages, daydreaming, thinking, unfocusing. -.-

    Good thing: I'm in a public place and they're playing some music - "I Want It All" reminded me of how I used to feel, when I was 11 yo, listening to Queen.

    I do have energy and enthusiasm inside. A LOT.

    I miss it. I sense it, but I don't feel able to grab it and take it up here.

    [People who knew me before remember this, my old self, and maybe something of it it's still visible, I'm not aware].

    It's part of me, I could burst and explode, if only this drowsiness would fade away. I have a sun inside which got suffocated through the years and now I can't move. I just follow the days as they go by and this crushes me.

    I've tried several strategies, in the past three years, but I can't find what could work for me.

    I've tried to concentrate for short periods of time, then take a break, then study again and so on, but it has worked for a few days and then stop.

    Same applies to anything else.

    (I change my way of studying as my needs do, though, so I don't expect a method to work all the time).

    Does anyone have tips to focus on the short term, heading to bigger goals?

    (I'm referring to college's exams in particular, in my case!)

    How do you manage to mantain a regular studying activity? If you manage to do so, otherwise feel free to comment down below you too, if you wanna share something. :)

    How do you like to study?

    Btw: "My Fairy King" and "Great King Rat" are two curious songs by Queen I really like. I'm trying to take my light and my younger spontaneous and full-of-enthusiasm self out and these songs resonate in a particular way, now eheh ^^

    Thank you for reading - a hug to everyone ~

    #concentration #Motivation #Tips #study #Goal #help #enthusiasm #lowenergy #active #productive #Procrastination #Inspiration

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    Pain of exams and chronic pain

    Anyone preparing for their exams?
    #study #ChronicPain

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    Planning The Year Ahead

    As my body is currently out of order, I have decided to put my brain to work. Planning and preparation are key to success. There are two sayings that I have lived by for as long as I can remember, “preparation prevents poor performance” and “fail to prepare, prepare to fail”. These sayings are bitter sweet when you have unpredictable health conditions that fluctuate from hour to hour! Not knowing what you will face each time you wake is exhausting in itself, so anything that can be done in advance to help your day run a little bit more smoothly. My number one focus next year is me. Am focusing on my health from the inside out. Starting with my gut health because what goes on in the gut has an affect on the whole body. Everything from brain fog to inflammation can come from bad gut health. If the gut is not causing the issue then it certainly is a factor that compounds the issue. Getting my gut healthy is not only important to me because of my autoimmune but because I know it holds the key to me achieving a better quality of life.

    As much as people go on about diets, I choose a way of life because if I stumble and fall along my journey then I can stand back up and carry on. Diets for me tend to evoke the thoughts of deprivation, hunger, tasteless bland food and unhappiness. My choice to embrace a certain way of eating make this become a way of life rather than a temporary fix. The temporary fix of a “diet: will more than likely cause me to slip back further than I was each time I start. Embracing the way of life enables me to plan and focus. I can take control of my food and the way it is sourced, cooked and then eaten knowing full well what exactly is on my fork.

    Buying local organic food is the second must on my list right underneath my main goal for next year and that is to grow more of my own food. This way I can reduce my carbon footprint as I am not travelling to shop and not buying food that has its own carbon foot print just to get on the shelves of the supermarket. The gargantuan task of preparation, planning and designing a garden to enable maximum yield and more importantly, accessibility for myself has been paramount for success. My health conditions make planning sometimes fall by the wayside as I am unable to complete tasks on given days. So to help with the unpredictability I have to prepare for the eventuality that I will be ill and devise a fail safe so the work I can complete doesn’t get ruined by the work I am unable to do.

    Exercise is part of the plan and the main chunk of my goal setting. But as with the garden, I must prepare and implement a fail safe into my plan so I don’t loose instead of gain. Good nutrition will help my gut, fuel my body and help me find the energy to exercise. The exercise and good food will help me gain strength and achieve my goals. What are your plans?
    #preperation #Prepare #actionplan #study #autoimmune #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #InvisibleDisability #InvisibleIllness #Fibromyalgia #guthealth

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    Broke.

    So I have maybe a week to find a job. Before I can’t find afford rent, food, water and power.
    My flatmates know I’m broke, but like I have $230 TO MY NAME.
    I feel like such a failure at life.
    And I am retiring to study next week, which means, textbooks, bus fares, and everything and anything else that comes with study. #study #Broke #money #MentalHealth

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    #pandemicdepression

    I apologize for my week or so away from The Mighty. The pandemic blues hit; hard. I was surprised by some of the symptoms. #whatdefinesme ? I have not been employed outside the home for years but had always felt secure in my skin. What happened??? I consider myself a victor over decades of #emotional /psychologicalabuse, but my partner's narcissistic need to talk 'at' me was blurring my thought processes. NOW is the time to devote my time, energy, my all to me! Return to #dailyrituals #Meditation #Gratitude #readvarious genres #study /research #reclaimmyhomeasmysanctuary #ArtTherapy #cleanorderlyenvironment #IKNOWMYINNERTRUTH

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    Finally getting my gastric emptying study done. Next week! I've been waiting forever due to my 18th birthday complicating things.
    #gastric #test #study

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    How do you read when you can't concentrate?

    Does anyone else find their mental illness prevents them from being able to read? I used to be a bookworm but now I can hardly make through a few pages. I get so frustrated with myself. It's even worse when it comes to studying/coursework.
    Has anybody got any tips on how to combat this? #Depression #Anxiety #study

    8 comments