Substance Use Disorders

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As the year is coming to an end in a few weeks, I hope you all on here live a life that you desire :)

I wish you all the best and the most happiest life full of joy, peace, and positivity. I hope that everyday gets better and better for you in every way. I hope you never suffer and you a live the type of life you want that makes you grateful to wake up to each morning.

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Disability #Addiction #Anxiety #Depression #Bipolar2 #Bipolar1 #BingeEatingDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Epilepsy #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Trauma #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Suicide #PanicAttack #PanicDisorder #PTSD #PersonalityDisorders #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SocialAnxiety #SensoryProcessingDisorder #Stroke #SchizophreniaSpectrumPsychoticDisorders #SleepWakeDisorders #SomaticSymptomandRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #AspergersSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #MajorDepressiveDisorder #DepressiveDisorders #Diabetes #DiabetesType1 #dissociativedisorders #DistractMe #EatingDisorders #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #LearningDisabilities #ADHD #BipolarDepression #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD #RareDisease

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Sleepyswampwitch. I'm here because being multiply disabled is making my recovery from drug addiction really hard. I live in a sober house but right now I'm LITERALLY the only disabled person I know in the recovery community in my area. I feel like I'm slipping away and I'm scared. Every time I try to reach out to someone I get told I "just need to stop glorifying drugs" when I'm not, I'm trying to explain why I'm struggling right now.

I feel like a feral cat and I don't know how to cope with it. (And no I'm not high right now, I'm 8 months sober I'm just living on the edge of a mental health crisis these days)

I'm sure it will get better but for now I need to hold on tight and I'm slipping

#MightyTogether #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fibromyalgia #AutismSpectrumDisorder #PTSD #ADHD #Grief #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #BrainInjury #Anxiety #Depression #SubstanceUseDisorders

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On the topic of Addiction

"General population surveys have documented that approximately 75% of individuals with a substance use disorder have experienced trauma at some point in their lives."
-- PubMed Central, National Library of Medicine.

Time and time again, I see comments from people online saying things like:

* People with addictions have no-one to blame but themselves.
* Addiction is a lifestyle choice.
* Addiction only happens to certain kinds of people.
* People with addiction are all criminals.
* People with addiction need tough love. Helping them just enables drug use.
* Addiction medications are just replacing one addiction with another.
* People with addiction are hopeless.
... and on and on it goes.

Statistics show that the vast majority of people with addictions are doing it to self-medicate. Some things, such as some types of illicit drugs, have the additional side effect of feeling good while they're being taken, but my argument is that people don't take them primarily for that reason.

They take them to dull/block out emotional and/or physical pain.

[Aside: I, until 2.5 months ago, used to do the same thing with nicotine, be it smoking and/or vaping. Every time I felt stressed or anxious, I craved nicotine. My body screamed for it. And I would find myself huddled somewhere away from everyone else, puffing away, because smokers are considered pariahs these days.]

Not every form of emotional pain is linked to trauma, but every traumatic backstory leads to emotional pain. It's perfectly understandable to want to kill that pain with whatever you can get your hands on, whatever works. Let's face it; Mindfulness really doesn't help with genuine distress, it helps with mild symptoms.

Tearing into people with addictions helps no-one - *especially* not the person with the addiction. It makes them feel worse than they already do. Don't people realise that the person with the addiction already *knows* they're addicted, and likely wish they weren't?

With seeking help for addictions comes the realisation and reality that once you kick the habit, the feelings you were trying to kill will come flooding back. Often it feels like they come back with a vengeance, to make up lost time, as it were. Quitting an addiction is downright heroic, because you have to face all your inner demons.

That's why addiction centres usually have 28-day programs, full of group and 1:1 therapy sessions. It takes approximately a week for the drugs to leave a person's system (the detox process is usually brutal in and of itself), then they need time and help afterwards. They also need to be among people going through a similar process, for inspiration and support.

[Aside: For anyone interested in the topic of addiction centres, I recommend the movie '28 Days' (not to be mistaken for '28 Days Later', a *very* different genre of movie.) It's a comedy, but does go quite deep into the more serious aspects of addiction. You can rent it through the Google TV or YouTube apps; it used to be available upon Netflix, but they've since removed it.]

Have you noticed the language I have been very careful in using for identification, yet? At no point have I used the word 'addicts'; I have always used the term 'people with addictions'. That is deliberate, as people are not natural addicts. They have addictions. I'm not sure if I believe in the so-called 'addictive gene' theory. I suspect I lean more into the no camp, as I believe the main cause of addiction is trauma, not genetics. That doesn't mean, however, that the two can't be at play, simultaneously. I am open to being wrong.

So the next time you see a person with an addiction, be it out on the street, in a psych ward, or even just looking into your bathroom mirror, think about what might have brought them to that point in their lives, and seek for some compassion and sympathy within yourself. If you're walking, or have walked the addiction path before, you can also try some empathy. It costs nothing, but means everything.

No-one chooses for their life to feel out of their control. They don't choose the tragedies in their past. They don't choose addiction.

#MentalHealth #Addiction #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #PTSD #Trauma #compassion #Sympathy #Empathy #AddictionRecovery #Recovery

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Remember

I used to discuss with clients how to transition from letting things and people define me in my journey. For instance, I struggled with discussing my mental health and challenges, feeling as though they controlled me because I stigmatized myself. So, each day, I asked myself what small action I could take to define my journey. I sought support only from qualified individuals, eventually empowering me to avoid being defined by others’ unhelpful and problematic beliefs and opinions.

Remember, it’s not about achieving perfection immediately. It’s about taking small steps to realize your potential, and that’s empowering too. Remember you got this even on your hardest days and that reaching out for help processing and going through challenging moments is more a sign of strength.

Also, it is not about not having those moments or challenging thoughts or memories that define progress. It’s about how you relate, define, process and acknowledge them because sometimes our biggest milestones and progress are the things that are unseen in our journey that we don’t realize are progress.  #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #BipolarDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #Anxiety #Depression #LearningDisabilities #SubstanceUseDisorders #Neurodiversity

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Self-loathing

I’ve been feeling really uneasy and confused today. That old feeling of condemnation has returned. The stigma attached to mental illness and SUD, is hard to overcome. I’ve internalized it and feel self-loathing as a result. It’s hard for me to remember to objectify the illness in myself and not objectify myself, especially when everyone else seems to be doing that to me. I need to remember I am not my illness or my past behavior. When people become emotional due to suffering they moralize, judge and condemn. And that’s okay, because all feelings are valid and just feelings not facts. What is not okay is to abuse someone with that judgement and condemnation and that’s what society does. It stigmatizes and makes it even harder for those who need help to seek it due to lack of support and resources and the belief that it’s a moral issue not a mental health issue. I have to make sure I don’t lose empathy for myself even when others have none to give me. #SubstanceUseDisorders
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#BipolarDisorder
#CPTSD
#Anxiety
#AutismSpectrumDisorder

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Rant!

Don’t tell me to conquer my “demons”. That I have
“emotional baggage”. That I need to clean up my life, repent, repair my relationships and restore my place in society. That I need to change my perspective from “half empty to half full”. Just think positive, smile, lighten up, etc. All of this is dripping with misogynistic beliefs and patriarchal values. No, I won’t put a fucking smile on my face for anyone. I don’t owe anyone pretty, or perfection. I don’t have to be anything other than what I am or feel. I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses or disabilities! I am not trying to rid myself of anything. I embrace all of me. All of my humanity, all my emotions all my feelings, all my wounds, and scars. Don’t ever, ever tell me, my trauma is “darkness”, “evil” or “demons”. That is emotional abuse and is part of the problem that caused most of us to get sick in the first place. Morality causes almost all suffering in society. Not the lack of it, but the strict enforcement of it that leads to all kinds of condemnations, violations of rights and lack of emotional intelligence and empathy in the world. I support Radical Self Acceptance!

#Bipolar2
#Bipolar1
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Depression
#SubstanceUseDisorders
#PTSD
#CPTSD

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Just a little about me

I always felt like my time on this earth was limited.
When I was a little girl, I lived in my head because the “reality” that I would make in my head was so much safer. As the sun went down and the sky grew darker and darker I would lie in bed with my eyes closed trying to drift to sleep trying to come up with a new reality in my head but all that I could think about was how scared I was. When I did fall asleep, I’d wake up and just cry. I have done that for as long as I can remember. My dad has been an alcoholic since before I was born and my mother was a workaholic. My dad was never really a dad to me but took my brother (who has Down syndrome) to every sports game ever. I used to beg my mom to leave my dad. The only time my dad and I spoke was when he was yelling at me. The first time I ever spoke about suicide was to my mom one night after weeks of being yelled at, and crying myself to sleep every night by my narcissistic father during my freshman year. I looked at my mom and said, “ I feel like the world would be a better place if I wasn’t in it.” At this point, I’ve been self-harming for two years. I found out my mom was having an affair when I was 15 and at 16, I moved with my mom and little brother. A few months later I was raped by my boyfriend I was dating at the time. In 2015, I began dating someone I thought was the love of my life. He fooled me because he was a psychopath. This psychopath introduced me to meth. I had been dabbling with drugs since High School and a very committed pot smoker since 7th grade but meth quickly consumed every ounce of my body, my mind, and my spirit. I was living with a psychopath, enduring abuse every day and then smoking meth to numb every emotion I had. On August 28, 2017, he attacked me pulled a loaded gun out, and told me he was going to take my life and then his. That was the last time I used it for the next 5 1/2 years. I began drinking, using cocaine, and popping benzodiazepines every night and when I didn’t have to work that day then it was all day. February 27, 2018, 10 days after my 23rd birthday I attempted to take my own life. I was sent to a psych ward where I spent three days and then my dad picked me up and took me to rehab. I stayed a month and moved in with my dad, step mom and brother. I had my new diagnosis of bipolar, I was on medication, I started going to meetings and aftercare and I was doing good until I started drinking again. I was drinking 1 sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night and stopped taking my medication. October 17, 2018, I was date raped. I woke up the next morning, naked and drove home while still intoxicated. When I parked and started walking towards the house, my dad came out and we started fighting and that night I took roughly 40 or more different medications. I woke up in the ER throwing up and all I remember feeling was pissed. I was sent to another psychiatric ward and spent 5 days. I moved in 2019 to my moms and step dads and I significantly reduced my drinking and got a really good job. I moved back to my hometown two years later to live with my grandpa and my grandma who has stage 7 Alzheimer’s. It wasn’t too long until my old lifestyle slowly creeped in. I was living at the bars, doing cocaine and then in the summer of 2022, I relapsed on meth. The biggest lie I have ever told myself was that I had control over my addiction. I became the biggest liar to everyone around me, including myself. I was getting myself into awful, scary situations and it didn’t matter and I stopped taking my medications. My body also started doing some scary stuff. I started experiencing vasoconstriction and that led to me seeing a rheumatologist because I was convinced that what I was experiencing was an autoimmune disease and not caused by me poisoning my body every chance I got. In August of 2023, I was raped and two months later, I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. I detoxed by myself in my room and after three weeks, I used again. In December, I went to the ER and they asked if I wanted help and I declined and then two weeks later they called me again and I accepted help but I never followed through. January 8th, I was at my suppliers house and around 4:00 AM I looked at him and said I was done and I meant it…. After being clean for a couple weeks, I couldn’t stop feeling really really depressed. That feeling that I’ve had since I was a little girl was still so strong. I just wanted to die. I wrote a suicide note which is something I didn’t do the last two attempts but this time, I really really thought I wouldn’t wake back up to have to deal with the consequences of trying to kill myself for the third time. February 13, 2024, I had my outpatient group meeting and when it got to my turn to talk about how I was doing, I didn’t say much, all I could think about was my note. After group, I had my therapy appointment over video and I started telling her that I was “tired” and that “ I wanted to go out fast.” She told me that I either drive myself to the ER now or she has to call the police. I drove myself to the ER and started to tear up. I walked in and saw my best friend of 7 years who works at the ER. The same best friend that sat with me while I was on my first 50-1-50 hold before being transferred out. I was in the ER for 1 1/2 days and then transferred to the psych ward. I spent 7 days and was put on new medications and I left to ward feeling like a new person and for the first time in my life I didn’t have suicidal thoughts. In the beginning of March, I met someone from my outpatient groups and we were glued. He had two weeks clean and I was a little over two months clean. One morning, I called him and when I went to his house he was high. He told me he used the night before and I said, “ Ok. This is your only day” and then I drove us to my supplier’s house. 76 days down the drain. I was the highest I’ve been since the first time I ever smoked meth. The next day, I couldn’t drive, I was hurting all over, I could barely walk and I definitely wanted to die. Today, I have 11 days clean and I don’t know what’s next for my life but I do know that I want to help others who have been through similar situations and let them know that they are not alone. I want to share my story. #MentalHealth #SubstanceUseDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #Addiction #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #Depression

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Substance Use Disorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Addiction #Depression #Anxiety #AlcoholDependence

I started drinking when I was a kid. My parents would give me sips of their beer when I would tell them I was thirsty and then laugh at how cute I was when I drank it. I loved the attention. I got drunk the first time at 11, after my sister died. I started drinking full time at age 14. I drank almost every day from the age of 19 until I was 40, except when I was pregnant: twice (and boy, did I not like that).

I “tried” to quit drinking a few times it never lasted. Finally, I joined AA. There, I was love bombed and abused much like the dysfunctional family I grew up in. They taught me I had a disease that was incurable and I was morally bankrupt. Any normal human emotion was a selfish symptom of my alcoholic/addict brain. Since, I was morally bankrupt I couldn’t be trusted to manage my own health. I must rely on a “higher power”.

I was encouraged to stop taking my prescribed medication and to stop seeing therapists and was being steered towards a certain religion. Further disempowering me, and making me dependent on the program, was the belief that I would have to remain dependent on this
“higher power” and be a life time member or I would die.

So to put it simply I had a scientific “disease” that science could not cure, I was too morally deficient to think for myself and AA knew what was best for me. I stayed for 6 months, before I had a falling out with a member when my dad died. The lack of empathy for my situation was appalling.

We had one member who was the leader rather than someone who shared that role with everyone the way the meetings are traditionally conducted. She verbally attacked me, stalked me, harassed me, started a smear campaign and threatened physical harm. Even my sponsor was harmful, she joined right in and so did her husband. I almost got a restraining order, instead I didn’t leave my house for almost a year. Even after, I rarely go out alone.

That experience caused me to finally quit, not because the “program” worked, but in spite of it. I never wanted to be involved with people like that again, nor did I ever want that life again.

So, those outside of the 12 step programs don’t know, and believe they’re great programs. Let’s be honest, that’s what you’ve been taught to believe, and until recently there has been no other choice. For those in the programs, you are desperately seeking love, acceptance, approval, and relief of your addictions (self medicating, that’s what it truly is). You have been taken advantage of, I hope you realize that, and get some real help someday. And for those who left, I’m proud of you, for finding that inner strength that was repressed in you; thinking for yourself, so you will never fall victim again to exploitation and empowering yourself to truly heal.

I’m 6 years alcohol free, and nearly 2 years tobacco free. No higher power did that. Thoughts and prayers didn’t do that. I did that. I can have all the alcohol and tobacco I want, I simply don’t want it. I have healthier choices and better ways to love my self.

I know a lot of people reading this, will experience cognitive dissonance.

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#DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder #SubstanceUseDisorders #Bipolar1 #Bipolar2 #Insomnia

I learned two things about myself today. Apparently, I have been experiencing Depersonalization / Derealization for a very long time but I didn’t know what it was. I knew I dissociated, but I suddenly started having some strange experiences lately that I have concluded are depersonalization. This has led to discovering that I have experienced many symptoms of both Depersonalization / Derealization for decades. The second thing I learned today, is that, my issues with sleep may not be solely bipolar disorder, but a trauma response. My brain speeds up after a certain point at night, and I think it is hyper vigilant to protect me from the unpredictable behavior of my parents. They threw wild parties and I heard lots of loud yelling, laughing, fighting, music and violence. I never knew what was going to happen. I would lock myself in my bedroom by pushing my dresser up to the door and put a butter knife in the door frame as a makeshift lock. I was afraid of their friends. I needed stuff, but was too afraid to leave my room to get it, lest I draw too much attention to myself. So, I went without, or listened and waited trying to discern a time that I might fly under the radar. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. Often, I just ended up putting a pillow over my head, tuning them out, so I could fall asleep and eventually did from exhaustion. My parents both suffered from substance use disorder. I do too, or did anyway. I quit using 6 years ago and quit smoking 2 years ago. Trauma often causes us to ignore its’ symptoms, because we are used to them, don’t think they are symptoms, or that those symptoms aren’t important enough to talk about, or seek treatment for.

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