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chris' Series Part 12 - The final chapter
So i ended the last episode on how do i cope, which means asking a load of questions to myself. Do a self route cause analysis. i'm a Business Analyst, so let's use these tools on myself. Ask the questions:
How do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Who am i - Why, why, why, why, why
What am i - Why, why, why, why, why
Where do i - Why, why, why, why, why
When do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Why do i i - Why, why, why, why, why
That is a load of questions with loads of answer, and answers needing more questions giving more answers - Things just started making more rational & logical sense. i become less emotional as that would lead to irrational thoughts which are normally dangerous for my life
With a list of diagnoses like this
#ADHD
#ADD
#CPTSD
#pstd
#GAD
#Depression
#DID
#OCPD
#suicidalidealation
#SubstanceAbuse
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
& a history of
#molestation
#Rape
#Groomed
Having done my own deep evaluation which lead me down many dark paths, all i could do is tell myself to look for the light. Like looking for a single star on a clear & dark evening - Just look for the light. So that becime the crown for my left 1/2 sleeve tattoo, keep looking for that light, no matter how you see your life now. Whether it is though deaths eyes or the devastating after effects of that nuke which exploded. Look deeper there is that fighter - the breaker of chains. you have done it before, you can do it again, the reflection in the mirror doesn't always have to be from a broken mirror - look for a different mirror
In my lowest of moments, i know i need to TRY keep myself rational & evaporate my emotions. So i do this exercise - it buys me time to find that light & snap out of my mental relapse:
STOP - Stop what ever i'm doing.
THINK - Think about what you are doing. Ask the Who, What, Where, When, How & Why you are doing or getting ready to do.
BREATHE - Breathe, deeply & slowly. Try to center, ground, calm, even relax while in a panic state. Switch between Thinking & Breathing as much as you need.
REACT - Now you are better equipped to make a decision in a rational manner looking for that light.
i still have what would make most people think i'm nuts. i have a date in my calendar where i will die from one of my mental illnesses - Everything is ready, stocked & good to go as i type this. However all i need to do is fight my @$$ of for 1 day a year and not 365 & a quarter days a year. Keep myself busy, i take the day off from work. i go to places in the beauty of nature. Honestly the day is the easier part, it get hard once that sunsets & its the long Winter nights but i will put in my earphones, play some awesome & uplifting music, lying in a warm sleeping bag on the lawn & look up at the evening skies ... Looking for all the lights, satellites & meteors. i will meditate to ground & center myself after taking my evening sleeping tablets, then wake up in bed the next day & so the cycle continues
Keep looking for the light & keep safe out there ... ✌🏼❤
