This photo shows me doing one of my favorite activities: top rope rock climbing. On the outset, you see me, belaying my climbing friend and my service dog, Griffey, laying by my side. I see the body that is imperfect and overweight, the thunder thighs and insecurities that plague me day in, day out. I see a girl who yearns to be skinny again and athletic and strong and capable.
I should be better about staying off toxic social media sites, such as any Instagram accounts where I can compare myself to peers. I feel so inadequate and ashamed, for everything I’ve done in my life and how stupid I am for the mistakes I’ve made. I feel sick to my stomach that the majority of my peers are engaged or married and here I am, single as ever and wondering, why am I not good enough? Will I ever be enough for anybody?
I want to be better. I want to be prettier and skinner and more athletic and healthier. I want to be loveable. And I’m tired of being shamed for being single by my families expectations of me. I want to be better and sometimes that thought in and of itself leaves me drained and wishing I had ended things a long time ago.